New Year’s Eve is a crushing day full of expectation and regret as the weight of an entire year stands on our neck like some unflappable loan shark whispering in our ear not to fuck this up again next year. And so we make resolutions, promises to ourselves, made under the duress of time’s boot heel, that we will do better and be better. We tell ourselves this year is going to be the best we’ve ever had. And for a moment, we believe it. Until sometime around February or March when we realize that resolutions might as well be fairytales. That is unless you’re famous. Because celebrities already live in fairytales, resolutions are well within their grasp. So in the spirit of giving, we thought we’d wish a few resolutions upon a dozen of our friends on high, so they may make the world a better place (and live happily ever after).
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Celebrity Resolutions
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Mark Zuckerberg Gets a New Haircut
Surely with a fortune worth well over $1 billion, he has the resources to not get his haircut at the East Palo Alto Great Clips. It's time, Mark.
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Jeff Bezos Doesn’t Pursue Medicine
The man who looks exactly like the love child of Dr. Evil and Lex Luther wants to take his absurd capital gains and pour it into health care. Um, maybe he should give his own employees health care first.
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Donald Trump Seeks Treatment For His Early Onset Dementia (And IBS)
With the nonsensical rant now becoming his go-to speech pattern, we hope Trump finally takes some time to treat his dementia. And while he's at it, he should ask his doctor for help with his explosive bowel syndrome.
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Willie Nelson Un-Quits Smoking Weed
The back of the bus just isn't the same without the thick plumes of smoke. And smoking weed is a little less fun in a world without red-eyed Willie.
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Drake Learns How to Dunk so He Can Stop Harassing NBA Players From the Sidelines
We love his enthusiasm for the sport and hope this year he learns to dunk so he can stop trash-talking from the sidelines and start trash-talking from inside the paint.
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Kanye Buys a Desert Island, Moves There
We hope Yeezy can finally live the beach-side life he's always wanted by settling down on the most secluded, inaccessible island on earth.
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Kim Jong-un Takes Some Time to Have a Childhood
With such a grand imagination and no friends to share it with, wouldn't it be nice for Kim Jong-un to enjoy the childhood he never had? Here's to a safe sandbox where the dictator can build as many Lego rockets as his sensitive heart desires.
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Miley Cyrus Takes Time For Herself (And Her Tongue)
Is 2020 the year we discover a cure for Cyrus' tongue syndrome? It's a resolution worth fighting for.
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Elon Musk Takes Time For His Weed Plants
All work and no play makes Musk a dull boy. A little time in the garden can go a long way toward inner peace.
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Adam Neumann Starts a New Business
We hope his massive failure as the CEO of WeWork doesn't deter him from starting other pointless real estate scams aimed at millennials.
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The Patriots Just Play the Damn Game
This year, may the Patriots be reminded that it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that counts. Maybe it's time they stopped being such dickheads and just played the damn game.
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Jussie Smollett Learns to Forgive His Perpetrators
A new year means a fresh start. And we hope Smollett can bury his grievances from 2019 by forgiving the men who tried to steal his sandwich. Because 2020 is all about new beginnings.
