Pack a Xanax, the live-action Lion King is finally here.
Twenty-five years after the original Lion King film scarred animal lovers‘ psyches by way of feline murder, sibling betrayal, and stampeding, Disney has rebooted the murderous story that caused so many cat fans to suffer from decades of paralyzing post-traumatic stress. Jeremy Irons’ character, Scar, has been brought back to life to prove there is truly no cure for the common house cat, while Disney is seemingly hell-bent on reminding us that not even Claritin can soften the stress-induced, allergic reaction that animal rights activists have been crying over for years.
If you’re a true lover of animals, especially cats, then the newly rebooted Lion King may not be your particular brand of catnip. Nothing can erase the catastrophic tragedy of seeing another lion-on-lion murder scene. Call your therapist and set up an appointment, and check out the GIFs we’ve put together to help ease you back into the horror that awaits.
Cover Photo: Walt Disney Pictures
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Lion King Reboot
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The Cuteness Sucks You In
Like most traumatic build-ups, the Simba cuteness factor lures your attention away from the traumatic death that soon will follow.
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Everything The Light Touches Is Doomed
It's a slow build. Disney has a unique ability to give us everything we want, then take it all away with death and destruction, then reward us with happy tears for not walking out of the theater.
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We All Love To Hate Scar
He's sarcastic, he's witty, he's funny, and he's disgusted with society. He's the best villain to root for since Lex Luthor.
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The Watch On The Wall
Mustafa: "Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom."
Simba: "Yeah, but what's that dark, scary area over there?"
Mustafa: "Don't worry about it."
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Don't Ruin The Reboot
The cast is unreal: Donald Glover as Simba, Billy Eichner as Timon, Seth Rogen as Pumbaa, John Oliver as Zazu, Chiwetel Ejiofor as Scar, the legendary James Earl Jones as Mufasa, and Beyonce as Nala.
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Seriously, Scar Is Hilarious
He's the Sean Hayes of Disney villains, a true Lothario of cynicism and sarcasm.
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Remember, The Cuteness Leads To Death And Destruction
Kitten sales are skyrocketing already. Disney's quest for monopolizing the animal adoption market is well underway.
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Disney Love Conquers All
If two lion cub friends can become soul mates, then maybe there's hope for us all.
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'Lion King'/'Die Hard' Death Scene Parallels
In the original Lion King, Scar (Jeremy Irons) kills his brother Mufasa by throwing him off a cliff. In Die Hard with a Vengeance, Simon Gruber (Jeremy Irons) gets blown up in a helicopter by John McClane after attempting to avenge the death of his brother, Hans Gruber, who fell from a skyscraper. Now Jeremy Irons reprises his role as Scar to complete the circle of his characters' lives.
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Kitty Lovers May Need To Close Their Eyes
You know it's about to go down when slow-motion lions glare into the camera.
