Photo: Ollie Millington (Getty Images)
Mark your calendars. The opening weekend of Avengers: Endgame is shaping up to be the biggest event of the year and it’s only days away. As Marvel fans descend upon movie theaters like diabetics at a doughnut giveaway, the race is on to be among the first to witness the final chapter in MCU’s greatest saga, out April 25.
But slogging the long lines and big crowds isn’t easy. Neither is sitting through a three-hour movie while scarfing down a proper cinema picnic of popcorn, three hot dogs (one relish), an ice cream Snickers bar, Sour Patch Kids, half a sleeve of Red Vines, and a giant Dr. Pepper (plus, whatever you brought for the second hour).
Enter The Mandatory Avengers: Endgame Opening Weekend Starter Pack. It has everything you need for a stress-free moviegoing experience so you can sit back, relax, and let your fanboy freak-flag fly.
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Avengers Starter Pack
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A diaper.
Eat all the candy and hot dogs you want. Drink all the cola. You won't miss a moment of action.
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A jumbo popcorn (in case your diaper is full.)
It's a long movie. Just saying.
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An entire box of Kleenex.
If Avengers: Infinity War was any indication, we're going to need some Kleenex...for the tears and…you know.
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Xanax.
Are the Avengers really over? Not if we don't remember a thing. Numb the pain. Close the void. Let the fog of benzodiazepines consume you.
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Your Captain America swag.
Show your superhero street cred. Rep which team you're on. And get ready to rumble.
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A picture of your ex-girlfriend to remind yourself you made the right choice.
She wanted to get married, you made a judgement call. With hours of Avengers movie action to enjoy, you'll never be alone again.
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One single condom.
Because, after all, it's a fantasy weekend.
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At least $1,200 cash in case you decide to get that chest tattoo of Thor’s face you always wanted.
To hell with your medical bills, you've been talking about getting this tat for, like, two years. Tonight's the night.
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A notebook in case they stole any of your ideas from your comic book vlog.
Your idea about the kid that gets bit by a radioactive cockroach and develops super powers is pure gold. Top-secret gold. But that guy near the Marvel booth at Comic-Con took your script and never returned your calls. Get the lawyer on standby.
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Your A-Game stunt moves.
There will be a lot of rabid fanboy horsing around on opening weekend. From the box office to the lobby, at the concession stand, and possibly even in the aisles during a scene with an explosion. Are you going to be the only one not properly horsing? We think not.
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Your dad's phone number so you can get a ride home after.
After the movie, Uber is going to be surging like crazy. Dad said he would come get you if you call before 11 p.m.
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Be prepared for anything.
Nobody knows what will happen on opening night. There could be surprises, disappointments, or a complete and total lack of closure coupled with a sudden sinking feeling. Steel thyself.
