Vin Diesel Was 2017’s Highest-Grossing Actor Because 2017 Was A Hellscape

Hey, dudes. We’ve had some publishing issues the last two days and banner pics still aren’t showing up, but there are smarter people than me working to fix that now. And I’m gonna publish anyway. I thought I would have better news when I came back, but it’s still 2017, and I’m sorry to inform you that Vin Diesel was 2017’s highest-grossing actor with $1.6 billion in global ticketing receipts. I’m sorry you had to hear it this way. Per Vanity Fair:

The eighth installment of the Diesel-fueled Fast and the Furious franchise became the second-best performer in the series,  topping $1.2 billion at the global box office. Action flick xXx: The Return of Xander Cage boosted his tally…Diesel edges co-star Dwayne Johnson (No. 2; $1.5 billion), for whom the Fate of the Furious‘ $1.2 billion global gross more than made up for the embarrassment of Baywatch, which managed a paltry $178 million worldwide. The Rock’s final turn for the year in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle will continue to add to his total (the movie is still in release).

I assume Guardians of The Galaxy 2 also helped this out, so you can use that as another reason to not like that movie. And obviously this is another reason to hate 2017. The best we can hope for in 2018 is for Vin Diesel to do a movie with Hillary Clinton so everybody will stay at home. Except maybe black women because they think they’ll have to then leave the theater disappointed because the movie was nothing like the trailer. Then women who didn’t pay to see the movie will blame it’s box office failure on sexism.