Alleged rapist and overall douchebag Joe Francis, creator of the Girls Gone Wild franchise, called into the Howard Stern Show Wednesday morning to brag about his pending lawsuit against the people behind ParisExposed.com amongst other things.
Joe Francis called in to Howard this morning to “discuss” his and Paris’s pending lawsuit against Parisexposed.com. While he claims he and Paris are not behind the leak, he mentioned the website name numerous times, and Robin and Howard didn’t buy it for a minute. Joe sounded extremely drugged up, or hungover, or still drunk?? But then again it was around 8 a.m. Howard time, 5 a.m. Hollywood time…Howard got him to admit that Paris was the best blowjob he’d ever received. When asked who gave the better bj, Paris or Lindsey, Joe responded, “Paris,” even though a few statements earlier he claimed, “Lindsey and I are just friends.” When asked who was the worst in bed of all the famous chicks he’s slept with (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsey, Kimbo Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst, and when Howard asked why, he went silent again. When asked to explain why he claimed Tara was so bad, he wouldn’t come out and say it, but merely mumbled, “…well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable…” Howard then began asking more leading questions like, “So she just laid there?” or “Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?” Joe responded, “More or less, yeah.” To conclude such highbrow topics, Joe stated, “Well I don’t plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site.”
Holy shit, there’s no telling what this guy’s penis looks like now. It probably has tentacles and eats cats. When he goes to the hospital, the doctor has to stand behind lead and wear those glasses that generals wear during atomic bomb tests in the desert. I wouldn’t admit having sex with these skanks if I was kneeling in front of a Iraqi flag and wearing a blindfold.
Warning: Most of these are NSFW
Tara Reid:
Kimberly Stewart:
Lindsay Lohan:
Paris Hilton:
Labels: joe francis
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Trolling Harry Potter
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Harry Potter is a Murderer
Think of Harry Potter's story arc. He starts his saga as a put-upon 11-year-old boy who learns he is has magical powers, and was unexpectedly enrolled in a complex and dazzling school for wizards and witches. While at school, he learns that his parents were murdered by a wicked classmate of theirs, and it's up to Harry (tracing shades of Hamlet) to avenge their deaths. As the books and the movies progress, they get increasingly dark and turgid, characters die, and everyone mobilized for a great war with the evil classmate in question. So the whole point of the story is to watch a sweet-hearted 11-year-old boy be whisked into an enchanting world, only to be primed for combat, to feel hate and fear, to watch loved ones die, and to ultimately commit murder at age 17. This is not fun or magical or dramatic. It's just dark and sad.
Harry is no hero. Hogwarts is no school. Harry is a brainwashed soldier who was intentionally psychologically damaged by his bootcamp. He may be depicted as heroic, but one can easily see the parallel between Harry and Gomer Pyle from Full Metal Jacket.
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Voldemort is a Bad Villain
If our hero doesn't quite cut the mustard, maybe the villain of the Harry Potter world can pick up the slack. Sadly, Voldemort doesn't really have much to add to the proceedings either. Let's take a look at his arc. He was found to be an immensely powerful young lad who was rescued from the Muggle world by Dumbledore, only to eventually flip out and go on a genocidal spree that is never fully explained (at least not in the movies). Along the way, Voldemort picked up hundreds of disciples who would obey his every command.
Why do people follow this guy? He's a slimy, pale, clearly evil noseless crackpot. He has no charisma, no philosophy to sell, and only seems to rule his minions with threats of violence and death. We are never really given Voldemort's motivations. He's just a bad egg from the start. Yawn. Bad eggs are not rich or complex, and certainly cannot lend any texture to what is supposed to be the central conflict in the entire Harry Potter film series.
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What the Heck is the Function of Hogwarts?
Harry is a wizard, and goes to a wizarding school, which lies hidden in the remote hills of England. He goes there to hone his wizarding skills. He learns to mix magical potions, cast spells, and ride around on broomsticks. This is all very neat and fun and adventurous. But I can't help but wonder: What exactly does a diploma from Hogwarts offer a young wizard? The only other adult wizards in this universe are either shop owners or teachers. Some work for an ill-defined Ministry of Magic, whose function isn't too clear either. Are those the only choices of employment once you graduate? Why is it important to be a powerful wizard if you're just going to work either as a retail wonk or a government clerk? If that's all Harry has to look forward to, doesn't his arc seem churlish?
Some of the wizards have no working knowledge of the “normal” world. Hogwarts, then, is painfully backward in their curriculum. Sure, there's plenty of magic to learn, meaning classes in the sciences may seem a bit unnecessary, but where is the literature? The music? The sex ed? The three R's? Do any of these kids ever do a single math problem? I feel bad for English kids who never get to read Shakespeare or Dickens. You learn to move things with your mind, but you never get to read David Copperfield. That's a bad school.
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About Half the Movies are Just Bad
The films based on the Harry Potter novels begin strong, and then take a dive somewhere around film #3. The fourth is pretty good, actually, but the fifth through the eighth are, well, convoluted and badly filmed. The movies are perhaps the worst kind of literary adaptation, i.e.: they rely less on telling the story in a fresh way, and more on merely depicting what has already been fleshed out on the page.
This means that the movies are not adaptations, but mere dramatizations of key plot elements from the books. The pace is too quick, the tone too dark, and the story too complex for most of the movies to work as actual dramas. Important stuff and unimportant stuff whizzes by without any sense of majesty or portent. The filmmakers were so hellbent on including every detail from the books, that they had to expand the seven-book series into an eight-film extravaganza. This is not how you adapt literature to the screen. You have to have a sense as to what makes a good film. The motivations have to be explained, and, yes, the story needs to be shortened and altered to fit into the 90-to-150-minute time limit. This is a series of films that tried to do everything at once, and came across as a narrative traffic jam.
