Tara Reid Had Plastic Surgery

No one talks about Tara Reid anymore unless it’s to say, “That girl’s a drunken slut like Tara Reid…” or “That girl’s boob job is really bad, but at least it’s not as bad as Tara Reid’s…” or “This road is really bumpy, but not as bumpy as Tara Reid’s stomach.” So Tara needed some positive press … well, any press … and finally admitted to Us Weekly what we already knew – that a plastic surgeon hacked her up Jason Voorhees style. Here’s what she told Us Weekly:

On why she had plastic surgery in the first place:
“I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34-B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now, but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I’m in Hollywood, I’m getting older, I’m going to fix them.”

On what went wrong:
“First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn’t want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better.’ But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.”

On being intimate:
“Guys I was dating would be like, ‘What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.’ So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”

On getting lipo:
“I got lipo because even though I was skinny, I wanted – I’m not going to lie – a six-pack. I had body contouring, but it all went wrong. My stomach became the most ripply, bulgy thing.”

Don’t exercise, just get lipo. Don’t find a good plastic surgeon, just find anyone with an axe and a blowtorch. Don’t bother doing anything worthwhile, just do enough to get yourself in the gossip rags. Don’t bother kicking the guy out of bed when he’s horrified by your body, just turn off the lights so he can get his penis hard again. Tara Reid is so lazy it’s almost admirable. Almost.

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