Jessica Simpson at the VMAs

Please believe me when I tell you that no one wants to have sex with Jessica Simpson more than I do, even though I might get arrested if she looked like this and we went for a walk downtown. I assume when she gets paid it’s just in giant bags with dollar signs on them so I’m not sure how a disaster like this happens. I think raccoons are as cute as the next little girl does, but I can only think of a few dozen times that I’ve actually masturbated to them.