Photo: Fox
You would think after 25 years of being an FBI agent, you’d get the hang of it. Well, in the case of Special Agent Mulder, that is simply not the case, based on all the unsolved cases (and a few other things that we’re about to investigate).
David Duchovny said, himself, Mulder would make a horrible FBI agent, but that didn’t stop us from digging into why. But wouldn’t a half-decent FBI agent be able to convict Donald Trump of treason with his eyes closed and hands tied behind his back? Maybe. They’d at least be able to figure out what’s going on with his hair.
As Fox’s X-Files turns 25 years old this year, we start asking the tough questions, like “Where was Mulder between the years of 2002 and 2016?” and “Does he even know what a UFO is?”
Follow along as we help Mulder and Scully celebrate their lengthy working relationship, as well as break down just how bad of an FBI agent this guy really is. In all realness, we love you, David, and we’re thrilled you haven’t been fired for good, yet.
In other ancient TV news: We’re Linking 20 Years Without New ‘Seinfeld’ to Skyrocketing Depression in America
Mulder
-
Thinks Everything's a UFO
Photo: Pinterest
The FBI can't even convict Donald Trump, so what do you think? Clearly you can't trust a guy to solve an investigation on UFOs if he doesn't even know what one is. I mean, you could shit in his cereal and he'd call it a UFO. The show has focused on solving the unsolved cases of the strange and extraterrestrial, and yet I haven't heard one rumor about an E.T. reboot.
-
Special Agent Klutzo
Most of the time growing up, we were pretty sure Mulder was just high and talking government conspiracy as a result. Then he would fall out of his chair or trip or say something that would confirm it.
-
Completely Delusional
Yeah, and I saw Alf in my Cheerios. Who hired this guy? The FBI vetting process is very in-depth. I would know, my mother worked for them in the '80s. I doubt they'd hire him above her; she knows everything and worked as a secretary.
-
Definitely Hiding Something
That sounds like classic porn addict talk there. Enter a more appropriate casting in Californication in 2007. So that's where Mulder went!
-
Poor Time Management
You wouldn't pay somebody who jerked around on the clock, would you? Mulder basically makes a living of jerking around, but then again he was like a young, attractive John Cusack back then.
-
Lazy on the Job
Every time the guy sits down, he's less than productive. Somebody should've gotten him an exercise ball back in season two. We may have made extraterrestrial contact by now, if they had. Or at least figured out what's going on with Trump's hairline.
-
Again With the Cats
You can't trust anyone who talks about cats all the time. They can have two. One is acceptable, two if you want them to have a friend but three? No, three is a sociopath.
-
Full of Hot Air
It could just be gas. Duchovny is getting on in age. Who are we kidding; he looks better, and he's got like 20 years on us.
-
Knows He's Spooky
If he knows he's spooky, that doesn't necessarily make him a sociopath. However, somebody who goes around asking if you think they're spooky has some explaining to do.
-
Trust This Guy to Solve a Case? I Don't Think So
Photo: Fox
Sure, he wears a nice suit most days, but if you knew a special agent who disappeared 2002 to 2016, you'd have a few questions of your own, too.
