These ’80s Movie Plots Would Never Work Out Today

By Matt Branham

Photo: New World Pictures

Who doesn’t love ’80s movies? They’re the bedrock of our favorite coming-of-age tales, cult comedies and bad hairstyles. It’s just too bad these ’80s movie plots would never work out today.

While movies with antiquated plots like Die Hard and outdated characters like Top Gun are in no shape to be made today, it’s funny that they’re still getting sequels, reboots and other shitty Hollywood reimagining. Rumors spread that Back to the Future was on the chopping block of movies to be rebooted, along with Ghostbusters, which actually did get to the modern era. Apparently, 1980s Ghostbusters is just untouchables, as are these classic movies that should stay in the ’80s where they belong. Stand by Me itself is a foreshadowing of Stranger Things, which wisely is a modern-day ’80s throwback. Hell, even Will from Stand by Me looks like Will from Stranger Things.

You know we’re right. Now join us for an all-out ’80s movie throwback that should never happen today. If you don’t believe us, just watch Kevin Spacey do cocaine and get real sexual in Working Girl. Classic Spacey (allegedly).

These ’80s Movie Plots Would Never Work Out Today

Now go ahead and check out some of these ’80s movies.

For more throwbacks: Finally Legal: The 18 Most Memorable Movies Turning 18 This Year

80s Movies Not Today

  • "Working Girl" (1988)

    "Working Girl" (1988)

    Because Kevin Spacey.

  • "Ghostbusters" (1984)

    "Ghostbusters" (1984)

    Because clearly that didn’t work out.

  • "Die Hard" (1988)

    "Die Hard" (1988)

    Because cell phones instead of walkie talkies. And Alan Rickman.

    Related: Ranking the 'Die Hard' Franchise

  • "Stand by Me" (1986)

    "Stand by Me" (1986)

    Because Corey Feldman lost his marbles, dead bodies and kids with guns.

  • "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off" (1986)

    "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off" (1986)

    Because helicopter parents with spyware apps and Charlie Sheen is a wreck.

  • "Heathers" (1988)

    "Heathers" (1988)

    Because Columbine and homophobia. 

  • "Tootsie" (1982)

    "Tootsie" (1982)

    Because gender non-binary is a thing now.

  • "Top Gun" (1986)

    "Top Gun" (1986)

    Because Tom Cruise is a dick. And Val Kilmer is fat.

  • "Sixteen Candles" (1984)

    "Sixteen Candles" (1984)

    Because anything Molly Ringwald (Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club). Also, rape culture amongst drunk kids.

  • "Back to the Future" (1985)

    "Back to the Future" (1985)

    Because we still don't have our goddamn hoverboards.

  • Seriously, Those Hoverboards...

    Seriously, Those Hoverboards...

    Seriously, we shouldn't be allowed on these things.

Matt Branham
Matt Branham

Matt Branham is the Editor-in-Chief at Mandatory. A Los Angeles-based author, originally from Illinois. A man of metaphors, challenging the norm and going against everything you believe, one of Mandatory's original writers. Whether music or movies, TV or taboo, he's always writing, mostly in alliterations. His latest book "Stop the World! I Wanna Get Off" was released in 2016, following "Feeling Out of Shorts." Stick around for more from this big hat wearing, topsy turvy troubadour.

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