Curb Your Enthusiasm Guide To Dealing With Crappy Friends

Photo: HBO

Curb Your Enthusiasm is finally back after six years, and it’s refreshing to see how Larry David is dealing with close friends who suck so far in season nine. A lot can happen in six years. Snapchat, Instagram stories, gluten became kind of a big deal, kale puns are on every asshole’s shirt, and yet, we still have friends who suck. Why is that? Ironically, it has something to do with your Seinfeld DVDs, which you’ll find at the end of the slideshow.

Find a new favorite: 7 Star-Studded Features to Expect On Apple TV+

Luckily for you, we’ve concocted an incredibly hilarious life-changing guide to dealing with close friends who suck using 20 of our favorite Curb Your Enthusiasm GIFs, starring Larry David, Ted Danson, Jeff Garlin, Susie Essman, JB Smoove and some of the best guest stars of the show. It’s raw honesty with some of the best reactions to shitty friends that we can all relate to.

Whether you have the friend that’s always late, won’t shut up, can’t split a check worth a damn or if you simply don’t know how this person is in your life, we can help you suss it out. Enjoy.

Now give this a good read: Cosmo Kramer’s Guide to Living Life on Your Own Terms

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Curb Guide

First Off, Fuck Your Birthday

You're not 13 anymore, it's awkward. And if you think I'm a grown man who feels comfortable buying another grown man a birthday gift, you don't know me very well at all.
I Don't Like You THAT Much

Yeah, you're alright. We like the same music and sometimes make the same joke in our filthy heads, but doesn't everyone when they see a two Brussel sprouts next to a zucchini? I just saw you two months ago, ease up.
I Could Easily Kill You (and Vice Versa)

There is a very thin line between our brotherly hugs and all out war on one another to the death. Alcohol seems to keep us on the good side, at least to a certain point, which we now call "time to go home."
Tiny Bladder for a Grown Man

You wait all day long for your moment to speak. So what happens when you finally get the floor to voice an underwhelming opinion? Quick pee! It's like talking to a child.
You're an Obscene Public Scene

Can't take you anywhere. At the fundraiser, you made fart noises. At the funeral, you were cracking jokes. You still imitate handicap people and use the wheelchair ramp when the stairs are right there, as well as a handicap person.
Fuck Your Weather

Just admit you have nothing to say. Don't start talking about the fucking clouds to me. I've known you for 25 years and you want to start talking about clouds now? Fuck your clouds.
Still a Bit Racist When Applicable

We thought we'd outgrown that until a subtle setup for a racist joke appears, then you, of course, spike it like you're 19. Bad day to get the families together.
Pretty Much the Worst Party Guest

You show up late, eat all the food, drink the good booze even though you didn't bring any, and somebody got food poisoning from your expired "entree." And you ruined the ending of The Sopranos for the whole room.
And a Terrible Dinner Guest

I can't even look at you while you eat. It's either you haven't eaten in days or you were raised next to a trough. Have another slice, you fat fuck, then split the check with me right down the middle.
Always With the Colorful Embellishment

You have never done anything in the fashion in which you speak. Your words may be colorful but your life is bleak so when you speak I can actually see real bits of bull's shit flying from your lips.
Never Suffering Bullshit Gladly

If your friend's daughter took her first steps, you'd face-palm her and show her what she's doing wrong. This is you're the only single guy at the party. That, and your donation to the one-year-old's party was a piñata filled with single-serving liquor bottles.
Astounding Inability to Keep Your Mouth Shut

I can't tell you anything. If I share one personal thing about myself or anyone else in the group, it's on the street in minutes. You're like a 22-year-old girl who just had her first drink, you blabbermouth.
You Are Not Helping Anything

I love when there's a heated debate and you offer your unsanctioned opinion, despite having no clear idea what the conversation is or what you're talking about. You simply like the sound of your voice, and yet somehow nobody else does.
Odds of Getting You Out at the Same Time as the Others? Low, Very Low

It's Friday night and your best buds are all getting together for the first time in six months. Why the hell would you come out? That would be silly.
Splitting the Check Still a Nightmare

How is it that you can somehow hold down a job, pay your taxes, and complete any number of difficult tasks, but you still don't know how to add tax and tip to your goddamn cheeseburger?
Completely Dysfunctional in Conversation

You say something, then I say something. You immediately remark that you weren't listening. How is that possible when you're looking right at me?
Asking Questions You'll Never Need Answers to

You're the guy who asks about the plot of the movie before the plot has been revealed. You guess the ending in the first five minutes. And it takes all my energy to not dump out the popcorn and suffocate you with the bucket.
Honestly, I Can't Stand You

At the end of the day, I'm not sure why we're even friends. Did I date your cousin? How did this happen? You use worthless phrases like "at the end of the day," too.
But We Have Our Moments

Oh yeah, we did have that one time at the Christmas party that was pretty funny. OK, I get it now.
But Ultimately, I'm Onto You, Asshole

Seriously though, this friendship is pretty much over. I'm just waiting for my Seinfeld DVDs to be returned.