Photo: Warner Bros.
As much as we love the Caped Crusader, the abomination that is Joel Schumacher’s 1997 Batman & Robin is just too awful for us to let it go two decades without dubbing it the worst movie of the past 20 years. It somehow garnered 11 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, which seems incredibly high (this ranks down with the worst Sandler films). So is it the worst? The answer is most likely a big, fat “yes,” but we’ll come back to that later after we’ve given you endlessly hilarious, indisputable evidence. We begin with you, George Clooney, you magnificent bastard.
George Clooney is, by far, the worst casting of Batman to date.
Bruce Wayne, maybe, but Clooney is the least likely choice for a superhero, not even by a long shot. It’s hilarious because we think of him as a sensible actor who would laugh at the idea, but he must have really needed that cool $10 million, considering he’s only worth close to $200 million. He knows it was a terrible mistake, which makes it all the more hilarious.
The first five minutes alone…
Wasted on gadgets, rubber crotch shots and staring at the Batmobile like they’d never a car before, that would’ve been the opportune time to turn off the TV. At the 11-minute mark, Batman and Robin were surfing on doors they broke off a spacecraft with O’Donnell screaming “cowabunga” in mid-air. So that would’ve been the next best time to turn off the TV and just wing this whole thing.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has way too many ice-related puns.
The puns aren’t even remotely catchy, that is, if you can make out a word Arnold is saying. “What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!” That’s not even a pun. That’s just factual. The CGI for his character is so brutal, and pretty much every line is meant to be an ice-related joke, which is only more brutal, considering he’s not funny, nor are the lines.
That is a huge fucking diamond. Who can afford that?
Never mind the terrible CGI and dialogue. Let’s talk props, like the diamond that is bigger than any diamond ever, or burrito ever eaten, for that matter. It’s hard absurdity in it, considering his henchmen are dressed in rollerblades, and his face is covered in glittery silver paint.
Alicia Silverstone was completely clueless (nailed it).
From England, eh, Miss Wilson? You sure don’t sound British. Looks and sounds freakishly like Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions, though. I was wondering why Bruce Wayne had a glittery purple motorcycle in his garage.
The best part was when Chris O’Donnell saves her from falling off a building during the motorcycle street race, somehow landing her on top of a giant skyscraper, but first he takes off his helmet to reveal himself to her and starts with witty banter before saving her. Actually, wait no, the best scene was when George Clooney didn’t recognize she was Batgirl.
Uma Thurman is simply insufferable (and we love Uma Thurman!).
We love Uma Thurman as much as the next guy, Kill Bill and all, but this was hard to see. The overacting was unbearable to watch throughout.
Quick question: Why was her greenhouse next to Floronic Man’s (John Glover) lab for creating Bane? Whatever she was using to grow her plants somehow created a hole in the Earth when spilled that pulls her under before she resurrects as Poison Ivy. What a lousy botanist! Who the fuck wrote this?
After she’s turned all sexy Poison Ivy, she reverts to her nerdy persona and wears her old dorky clothes in the immediate next scene, then takes off her glasses and begins to talk sexy again, just before she reverts back again. I can’t.
Batman and Robin have built-in ice skates?
And a giant Bat Bomb. And a heat laser, how convenient! These two each need their own batpurse. And yes, of course, there is a hockey scene, you know, since Freeze’s henchmen have roller blades on already. Why the hell not? This thing has already gone off the rails anyway.
But the absolute best is the Batman vs. Robin bidding war.
Two million, Robin? What are you going to do, borrow it from the guy you’re bidding aga–yep, you just said it. This solidifies that Batman & Robin is a cruel prank played on diehard Batman fans.
Christopher Nolan’s Bane makes Schumacher’s look like a joke.
It’s a real joke, as he is Poison Ivy’s driver with a very inconspicuous top hat. Does he wait in the car?
Chris O’Donnell should have been canned after Batman Forever.
Once was enough, Christopher. Actually, once was too much, but the rubber lips scene made it all worth the while. At the end of the movie, Dick Grace (O’Donnell) asks Clooney why he didn’t save him at the end, since “you’ve always been there to catch me.” You could tell Clooney wanted to say, “I was hoping you’d just die already, Dick.” We all know he was jerking off to Batgirl every chance he could get, drooling over her from scene one.
Coolio.
There are no words for this. It’s either amazing or just the worst — most likely the latter.
They almost killed the only likable character.
Michael Gough’s Alfred appeared in all four of the original live-action films and was unarguably the only likable character in the entire film (other than Elle Macpherson). BUT. He did drop the ball giving all the bat-secrets to his niece, who is strangely about 60 years his junior but conveniently trained to become Batgirl. He did eventually die (in real life) in 2011, but not without his perfect last line of the franchise: “We’re going to need a bigger cave.” Rest in peace, Alfred.
In summary, it’s safe to say this is definitely one of the worst big-budget blockbusters of the past 20 years, if not the worst. Screw you Schumacher, even the music at the end is exactly the same as the end of Batman Forever. No wonder Warner Bros. ended the franchise. It’s amazing we got through the entire movie, albeit not easily. Can you think of any worse big-budget blockbusters of the last 20 years? Dammit, I’m so pissed I paid to watch this.
