Photo: Warner Bros.
Nothing makes a movie more timeless than that classic love scene. Although, with today’s political correctness, women’s self-defense classes and the invention of Tinder, Neighborhood Watch and rape whistles, we’re finding it more difficult to enjoy these love scenes, which by today’s standards, are totally creepy. Let’s see how we do at ruining some of your favorite on-screen love scenes, as we take what looked romantic back then and make it look real scary in 2017.
The Doors – “I followed you from the beach.”
Following a stranger home, climbing the tree to her porch and then kissing her without having said ten words is probably a tough thing to get away with these days. Val Kilmer’s Jim Morrison is blatantly honest with Meg Ryan’s character, Pam, in telling her exactly how he knows her. His reason for following her home: “Because…you’re the one.” Yeah, good luck doing that now, and in Venice, no less, without getting stabbed.
Say Anything – Neighborhood Disturbance
You can’t just show up at some girl’s house unexpectedly and start making a bunch of noise without somebody calling the cops. Between the loud music and Neighborhood Watch, there’s no way you’d get through an entire song without being cuffed on the hood of a police car. Not to worry, you probably wouldn’t be able to find a boombox of that size with much ease anyway.
Titanic – Nude Sketching
Good luck drawing naked pictures of a girl you just met on a boat and getting away with it. Here on land, we call that sexual harassment. Oh, she was consenting, was she? Well, expect to get flagged and removed from Instagram when you try to share it on social media.
The Notebook – “I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day of the year.”
Every day of the year, bro? Never admit that! We’ll admit the art of a good handwritten letter is lost on us, so maybe one here and there would do. But every single day? Come on! That’s not going to convince anyone these days that they should pick you. It would, however, convince them to steer very clear of you.
Ghost – Stalking in the Afterlife
If you were a burrito, you might have better luck with the ladies, or if you were Patrick Swayze. Unfortunately, neither seem like likely scenarios. Once you punch your ticket, that’s it. Quit romancing the girl, it’s not going to happen. If it were today, you’d just be ghosting around while you watch her go out on creepy first dates with dudes who have hilarious Tinder profiles.
Pretty Woman – Climbing a Woman’s Fire Escape in Broad Daylight
I don’t care if she is Tinkerbelle, you’re going to get yourself shot or thrown in jail if you come down the street hanging out the roof of a limo with flowers, making a scene and then climbing a fire escape that’s not yours. You have to think first, because we both know the first two or three floors is full of people who don’t want some looming stranger on their fire escape. That’s like showing up to someone’s house unexpected and uninvited. It’s not as cute as it was 20 years ago. People kill for less on Black Friday, dammit.
Sleepless in Seattle – Bringing Your Kid on a First Meet
Tom Hanks and Megan Ryan is the quintessential ’90s love-scene couple, but any movie about a girl who bails on a perfectly sound relationship to date a guy whose son called into the local radio station to get his dad a girlfriend is nuts. We’re lucky the movie had this power couple to take our focus off the ridiculous plot line. But the scene that drives us nuts is that no guy would ever take his son (and his stuffed animal) to meet a girl for the first time on top of the Empire State Building (which is in New York, not Seattle).
You’ve Got Mail – Mr. Hanky
And another thing, Tom/Meg movie lovers! We can’t help but get a little perturbed by this ending, too, the one where they meet in the park at the end. It all seems sweet up until Meg Ryan starts crying, and Tom pulls out a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. Though it may seem gentlemanly in 1993, it would probably terrify any city girl in 2017. A single, real-life Meg Ryan’s first thought should be, “Why are you carrying around a handkerchief? Who carries around a handkerchief?” Her second should be, “Why are you wiping it on my face, strange creep?”
10 Things I Hate About You – Public Karaoke Dedications
Look, we all miss Heath in our lives, but if you try to pull this trick off in public, you’re going to send some poor girl running for the hills, scarred for the rest of her karaoke bar life. It’s bad enough singing karaoke in front of anyone other than yourself in the mirror, and that’s bad, too. Let’s just assume that if you dedicate a song that’s not yours to a girl in public, she better damn well be your wife. Even then, there’s no guarantee she’ll go home with you.
Love Actually – Again With the Neighborhood Disturbance
Nice try, Rick Grimes, but we’re not falling for that old move anymore. The only way it would be likely humorous is if it weren’t Christmas when you played the music. Aside from his Say Anything moment, this scene showed us it takes balls to show up to some girl’s house while she’s with her boyfriend and Bob Dylan-ing your way through cue cards thinking it’ll go over well. Try doing that today and watch yourself end up a viral video online. The holidays are over, Rick Grimes. Now get back to slaying zombies.
