Lessons Learned From The Oldest, Wisest Students In College Comedy Films

Photo: Michael Ochs Archives (Getty).

Growing up, we were often told to listen to our elders because they had presumably learned from experience. But there should have been an addendum to that guiding principal to exclude older college kids, because I’m pretty sure the longer you stay in college, the dumber you get. Still, the students featured in the college comedy films below learned a thing or two from their many years in school. It was mostly about partying, but that’s still gotta count for something, right? So I think it’s best to take a seat on your inflatable chair, lie back and read some of these important lessons. And pay attention, you might learn something.

Now read this while you wait for your Hot Pocket to be finished defrosting.

Lessons Learned From The Oldest, Wisest Students In College Comedy Films

So there you have it. While your degree may or may not be useless (it probably is), at least we can say that these college dudes certainly give a whole new meaning to the term “stay classy.” I hope you learned something, now hit the books! (we mean bar).

Also: 10 Movies From The ’80s That Taught Us Terrible Life Lessons

Lessons Learned From The Oldest, Wisest Students In College Comedy Films

Van Wilder, Van Wilder (2002)

Though being a seventh-year senior might imply a high level of ineptitude, Van was obviously learning the whole time. Since partying is the one thing most folks actually learn during undergrad, Van excels. Van was such a good partier, the film was released internationally as “Van Wilder: Party Liaison.” Partying, like life, is all about relations. The more people you know, the better chance you have of throwing an excellent party. And if you can throw an excellent party, chances are you’ll get a lot further in this world.

Photo: Artisan Entertainment
Thomas R. 'Tommy' Callahan III, Tommy Boy (1995)

A lot of people go to college for seven years. They’re called doctors, Van Wilder and Tommy Boy. But what Little Tom Callahan lacks in brain power, he more than makes up for in sincerity. Tommy isn’t smart enough to be conniving, as many big business types must be. He simply knows how to deliver a quality product, as many big business types don’t. Karmically, Tommy’s as sound as they get. As far as the qualities of a salesman go, a guy who will check out the inside of a bull’s ass for you is what you want.

Photo: Paramount Pictures
Thornton Melon, Back to School (1986)

Though just a freshman, Thornton Melon was asked to speak at Grand Lakes University’s graduation ceremony. For good reason too: payola. Also because after opening a chain of Tall & Fat men’s clothing shops without the benefit of a college degree, the man already knew the real business world, not the widget one. And because he’s the only man to ever successfully pull off a triple lindy in competition, a dive so difficult it requires an additional springboard. And because Oingo Boingo plays his parties. So what lesson did well-lived, dived, and partied Thornton wish to impart upon all those graduates making their way into the world?: “Don’t go!” Cause “it’s a jungle out there.” So I guess what he’s saying, along with every other character on this list, is stay in school. Always.

Photo: Orion Pictures (Getty).
Joseph 'Blue' Palasky, Old School (2003)

Technically, Blue may not have been a student, but there’s no doubt he was a frat guy. Sure, he didn’t make it through pledging, but Frank’s boy still left behind a treasure trove of life lessons, probably none more important than this: Go out fighting. More specifically, go out fighting naked, greased-up college co-eds.

Photo: DreamWorks Pictures
John 'Bluto' Blutarsky, Animal House (1978)

Another seven-year student! John "Bluto" Blutarsky gives us a lesson in resilience. He distinguishes himself on this list for being the only old, wise college dude with a GPA of 0.0. Even with that track record, Bluto overcomes the odds and becomes a United States senator, an idea that seemed far more far-fetched back when Animal House came out in 1978.

Photo: Universal Pictures (Getty).
Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

You don’t just become a particle physics legend overnight; it took Chris Knight four long years at Pacific Tech under the dickhead tutelage of Prof. Jerry Hathaway (William Atherton, aka “THE ‘80s dick”). As a senior, Chris learned not to take things too seriously, or seriously at all for that matter, lest he end up like Lazlo (aka Uncle Rico), the former whiz-kid who lives in the closet of Chris and his roommate Mitch, the new whiz-kid. Though I’ve never built any weapons, or shot them at any megalomaniacal professor’s house in order to exact six megawatts of revenge, I can appreciate Chris’s lighthearted attitude. In fact, I’ve pretty much patterned my own sense of humor on it (and Irwin Fletcher’s, of course). I only wish more in the weapons industry shared it.

Photo: Michael Ochs Archives (Getty).
Lazlo Hollyfeld, Real Genius (1985)

Though technically not a student -- and not a master partier -- Lazlo’s still middle-aged and living in the dorms, so that counts for inclusion into the older/wiser trope. Also, once Chris and Mitch befriend Lazlo and learn from him, that’s when they’re able to figure out what despicableness Professor Jerry is really up to. Without Laz, they’d never be able to hack into the Pentagon’s new long-range laser and redirect it at Jerry’s popcorn-filled new home. The lesson here is clear: befriend the smartest guy in the room -- even if it’s a closet -- because he’ll lead you to the popcorn.

Photo: Michael Ochs Archives (Getty).
Officers Schmidt and Jenko, 22 Jump Street (2014)

While there are many lessons to learn from officers posing as college kids, the biggest is this: never do anything to get Ice Cube mad at you.

Photo: Columbia Pictures / MGM Pictures
James 'Droz' Andrews, PCU (1994)

Yet another seven-year man like many of the great partiers of yore, Droz elevated his exceptional partying to make a political statement: to raise a giant middle finger to those who would tell him that life shouldn’t be celebrated. For partying is not just our unalienable right, it is our duty. And the more the merrier, because we all love George Clinton, right? Droz’s message of inclusivity resonates even more loudly today then ever. Yes, you gotta fight, for your right, to party. The best way to insure that party really rocks is to make sure everyone’s invited.

Photo: 20th Century Fox
Dudley 'Booger' Dawson, Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

Though perhaps still a freshmen -- or at least sharing a gymnasium with freshman -- Booger’s definitely wiser in the ways of the big bushy world. And, from a facial-hair aspect, he’s apparently older too (although something tells me Curtis Armstrong came out of the womb looking old). Regardless of his actual age, Booger's actions are those of an older, wiser student. Indeed, he’s the only reason the nerds got smart enough to start puffing wonder joints in the first place. It's that kind of out-of-the-box thinking that made them great. You don’t just come up with that kind of talent show skit without being high AF. So yet again, we see that partying better is the key to success at the university level.

Photo: 20th Century Fox