Photo: Universal Pictures (Getty)
If you’re like me, your parents went off to go make money, leaving you and your older brother to be raised by HBO. Since we were raised in the heyday of inappropriate programming, that meant we were indoctrinated by some very suspect role models. Here’s ten that had way too much influence on this degenerate, and likely many of the fine folks reading this as well. Basically, what I’m saying is, it’s not our fault we’re like this. Blame the pinko lefties in Hollywood.
’80s Movies That Taught Us Terrible Life Lessons:
Then again, it sure is to find many movies in this day and age that were as good as anything that came out in the ’80s.
The absurdity levels didn’t stop in the ’80s, either: The 10 Most Ridiculous Movie Premises That Somehow Worked
'80s Movies That Taught Us Terrible Life Lessons
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Weird Science (1985)
This movie gives you carte blanche to go ahead and create an underoo-clad super hottie, throw the biggest party the state has ever known, discuss your family jewels with fellow blues men, freeze your grandparents, Pizza-the-Hut your dick older brother, and shoot off massive firearms in public. As a reward for such efforts, you can then take your high school crush home in a Porsche 928 or a Ferrari Mondial. Not exactly a stern warning. On the flip side, the film did cause a number of horny adolescent punks to pay more attention in science class.
Photo: Universal Pictures (Getty).
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Zapped (1982)
Before Scott Baio became a spokesman for the dark side, he played a thoroughly convincing pervert whose lab-accident gave him the super power to take girls clothes off with his mind. As you’d suspect, he used this power for the greater good and disrobed many women in public, including prom queen Heather Thomas, the girl who made my middle-school bedroom wall so great. Look, I’m all for nudity, but only if it’s the freewill kind. Of course, Baio’s character knew no lasting repercussions, considering he still got the girl in the end. Thank goodness his Republican Party won’t lead us back to those dark times when women were so lecherously disrespected.
Photo: Embassy Pictures
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The Goonies (1985)
I think the lesson here is obvious: keep a disformed sloth-like human locked up in a basement for long enough, and eventually he’ll become a swashbuckling hero.
Photo: Warner Bros.
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Risky Business (1983)
This film teaches us that if you know enough horny guys and prostitutes, you can throw a good enough party. Then, you can remove a drunk guy from a train and have moving sex with Rebecca De Mornay. You can get into an Ivy League school because of it, too.
Photo: Warner Bros. (Getty).
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Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Why did the ‘80s make it seem like being a peeping Tom was perfectly normal behavior as long as it netted us a voyeuristic view of boobs? You wouldn’t know it from most of the films that portray such peeping, though, as I’m pretty sure it crosses into illegal territory once you start filming naked women without their knowledge like the Tri-Lambs did to get back at the Pis. Unless, of course, there’s an odd law on the books that says furtive videography is proper retribution for greased pigs unleashed during a wonder-joint party.
Photo: 20th Century Fox
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Sixteen Candles (1984)
Look, just because a girl is too hot for you, and well aware of that fact, it’s no reason to take her passed-out body to your dork buddy’s house and take photos of her. Thankfully they didn’t disrobe Caroline, but I guess the producers already took care of that in the gratuitous shower scene. However, it is made known that Farmer Ted plowed the prom queen’s field in such a passed-out state, but since he doesn’t remember it either, it’s just cute. I guess. Not only are there no consequences, but the girl that’s too hot for Ted ends up reconsidering his worth, because in a strange, unconscious sort of way, it seemed kind of special.
Photo: Universal Pictures
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Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
Apparently my hero John Hughes may have been a bit more of a subversive role model than I first perceived. Oh well, too late now. Basically, the lesson here is that if you want to be the most popular kid in the history of your school, and you want to land the only girl named Sloane who ever went there, you should skip school, lie to your parents, steal Ferraris, and jump on floats in the middle of a parade to dance and sing cover tunes with girls in durndells.
Photo: Paramount Pictures (Getty).
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Something Wild (1986)
I suppose I’m just an incurable romantic, because I’m noticing a common theme on this list: all the heroes' terrible actions are rewarded by getting the girl in the end. Director Johnathan Demme isn’t above enforcing such poor romantic behavior, as Charlie (Jeff Daniels) lies, cheats, steals, and stabs for the love of a good woman (Melanie Griffith). Or a bad one, in this case.
Photo: Orion Pictures
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Tootsie (1982)
In the name of commerce, Dustin Hoffman dons drag to commit fraud and audition for a job as a lady. As Dorothy Michaels, he lands the part, and nails it. Dorothy’s a hit, who just happens to swindle a couple of would-be gentlemen callers, along with millions of loyal viewers; but really, acting is essentially conning anyways, so whatever. And I’m fine with anyone wearing whatever the hell they want to. It’s nobody else’s business. On the worse side though, Dorothy befriends co-star Jessica Lange, and male Dustin falls in love. He then uses information gleaned while posing as Dorothy to surreptitiously get into the pants of the most beautiful woman to ever sit in the palm of a giant ape. These are things you can’t do, messing with folks’ emotions like that. While it comes back to bite him towards the end of the film, in the very end, who do you think still gets the girl?
Photo: Columbia Pictures (Getty).
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Midnight Run (1988)
Basically, the lesson here is that crossing the mob is a great time, full of mad cap hijinks, and messing with Yaphet Kotto. This is a lesson you only unlearn once.
Photo: NY Daily News Archive (Getty).
