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We’re now officially heading into the holiday season, which means that you’ve only got a limited amount of time to buy presents for everyone and you’re going to need to organize where you’ll be eating Christmas dinner and oh God when does this nightmarish stress end?
Fortunately, you’ll get a chance to unwind at the office holiday party, a modern tradition that’s become nearly as inescapable as 40-year-old women breaking each others’ noses on Black Friday in order to get their hands on cheap PS4s for their kids. But while holiday parties are a great opportunity to see the lighter side of people you spend the entire year wishing you could legally strangle, there are a few individuals who could well ruin your evening and stick the metaphorical lump of coal in the metaphorical stocking.
Here are the 5 people you’ll meet at your Holiday party:
Santa the HR Nightmare
The role of Santa Claus at your Holiday party will be assumed by one of two people; a rotund and almost intimidatingly friendly member of staff who you imagine spends his whole year waiting for this moment, or your boss. Either way, the end result will see them getting far too into the “Festive Spirit,” encouraging other grown adults to sit on their lap with such increasing and alarming frequency that eventually Human Resources will have to get involved. Santa may be known for bringing joy at Christmas, but at your Holiday party all he will bring is a fake gray beard covered in cheap whiskey and the beginnings of a mental breakdown. Ho, ho, oh…
The Holiday Season Love Interest
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Christmas is a lonely time for the singleton. If you don’t have someone to spend December 25th with, you’ll inevitably find yourself on the receiving end of a dinner invite from a friend that you imagine has been outstretched out of pity, or you’ll spend it with family members who question why you aren’t being more proactive in regards to the whole “trying not to die alone” thing. As such any fleeting moment of perceived attraction at your Holiday party becomes much more exciting, as you start to convince yourself that this individual will be the one who you will nestle up to by the log fire on Christmas Day, as you drink eggnog and pull crackers together. In reality that’s just Ashley from accounts, who accidentally stared at you for too long after getting lost in a train of thought about how cute it would be if cats wore clothes like humans. There’s always next year.
The Number One Christmas Fan
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Holiday parties are typically accompanied by a very lax dress code of “wear anything remotely festive,” which results in the majority slapping a bit of tinsel around their neck or wearing baubles for earrings. However, the Number One Christmas Fan has been preparing for this moment his whole life, and has accrued a wardrobe of various Holiday-themed garments over the course of his lifespan that, when combined, make him look like the human personification of Christmas. He’s basically the Megazord from Power Rangers, only instead of morphing an awesome T-Rex mech with a saber-toothed tiger mech in order to create a ridiculously cool-looking sword-wielding robot, he instead throws together an unruly combination of bright red socks, a puke green cardigan and reindeer ears in order to look like a colossal tool. The fashion police would determine his attire a hate crime.
The Grinch
Holiday parties aren’t mandatory and so, if celebrating Christmas isn’t your bag, you can quite easily skip it and spend the evening catching up on Westworld instead. However, you get the impression that The Grinch doesn’t really dislike Christmas, but rather enjoys telling people that they do. While you’re busy enjoying being a social butterfly, The Grinch will stand over your shoulder ready to deflect any good will and convert it into embittered rhetoric detailing why, actually, Christmas is like, really bad, and you’ll overhear him using the word “capitalism” at least eight times throughout the duration of the evening.
The Facebook Historian
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There will be at least one, if not a handful of people who share every minute detail of their lives on Facebook. If you’re drinking alcohol, these people are to be avoided at all costs, as standing even within a 5-meter radius of them will inevitably ensure that this evening will come back to haunt you the next day. Thanks to Facebook, people can no longer simply have a drink and forget about their troubles for a few hours, because someone’s always around the corner to upload your every move come the next morning. Strangely, these Facebook enthusiasts never seem to do anything of note themselves, but rather they wait on the sidelines and document those who are being interesting. Kinda like David Attenborough, but with embarrassing co-workers instead of endangered tropical birds.
