Photo: Spike Nannarello/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank (Getty).
As a short guy, I know how hard it is looking up at the rest of the world’s well-statured denizens, most of whom seem to have no real clue that there’s a whole other world down here below 5 foot 5 inches. Of course, that number is rounded up, as I’m probably more like 5 foot 4 and 5/8ths inches. But as someone who was promised a growth spurt all my life and never gifted one, I’ll take every half inch I can get. Or as fellow short guy Al Pacino said: “We can climb out of hell, one inch at a time.” As true at that may frequently be, at 5 foot 7 inches, he’s two inches too tall to make this esteemed list of great men my size or under; so in this case, Pacino’s hell-exiting plan backfired. But for the well-deserving below, inch by precious little inch, they’ll go down in the annals of short guy history — also world history — as the greatest short dudes ever.
The 12 Greatest Short Dudes Ever:
Most of the time, these two traits go hand in hand: The 10 Coolest Sidekicks In History
Greatest Short Dudes Ever
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Prince
I play guitar. And I’m pretty sure I’d be amazing at it if I had longer fingers. But how long could Prince’s fingers have been while standing at a mere 5 foot 2 inches? Long enough to make him one of the greatest guitar players ever, that's how long! This would certainly qualify him for this list on its own merit, but the dude is also one of the funkiest individuals to have ever danced, or sang, or dressed. He’s likely one of the most fantastically laid short dudes ever, too, which is another well-known attribute of greatness.
Photo: Frank Micelotta Archive (Getty).
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Muggsy Bogues
Like most short dudes who get ahead, Muggsy did so with moxie. Being 5 foot 3 inches in the NBA in those days wasn’t like it is now, where little dudes can run free, unafraid of the now-illegal hackings doled out by the giants in the lane. As the shortest player to ever set foot in the NBA, Bogues lasted 14 good seasons before any of those rule changes would benefit him. Plus, he hustled more than anyone in the league. As a neighborhood baller, Muggsy gave me the pep in my step I needed to compete. Of course, steroids helped, too.
Photo: Stephen Dunn (Getty).
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Gandhi
Like me, Gandhi was 5 foot 5 inches tall. But I can’t even fast for an entire afternoon, let alone 21 days - the length of Gandhi’s longest fast protesting British colonial rule. Further differences include the fact that Gandhi basically gave Dr. Martin Luther King the playbook for changing the world through nonviolent civil disobedience, and the only thing I’ve ever been disobedient about is smoking weed. Ergo, he makes the cut, and I do not.
Photo: Apic (Getty).
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Andrew Carnegie
As one of the “Men Who Built America" -- even at 5 foot 3 inches -- Carnegie was as cutthroat and intimidating as they get. This helped him become one of the shortest rich guys ever. Not to mention pretty much richer than all the tall dudes ever, too. Considering all those studies about how short dudes make less money in business than assholes- I mean tall assholes, Carnegie needs to be included here just to show the world that short folks -- who are so often mistaken for Minions -- deserve equal pay as well.
Photo: Hulton Archive / Stringer (Getty).
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Paul Simon
Since the ‘60s, this 5 foot 3 inch Hall-of-Famer has been at the top of the songwriting game, not to mention one of Rolling Stone’s “100 Greatest Guitarists.” At 75, Rhymin’ Simon seems to be getting better, his influences vaster, his lyrics more knowing, and his musicianship just as able. And bonus points for being the former Mr. Princess Leia.
Photo: Jack Vartoogian (Getty).
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Picasso
Standing 5 foot 1 inch, Toulouse-Lautrec was definitely shorter. But while three inches in short guy terms is a great weight indeed, there’s no doubt that when it comes to short painters, 5 foot 4 inch Picasso is far more influential, important, and therefore, greater. Misogyny aside, can you imagine how many naked models posed nude for this little fella? And how many he had torrid love affairs with? So, I guess what I’m saying is that torrid love affairs weigh more heavily in our scoring rubric than a few measly inches.
Photo: RDA (Getty).
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Peter Dinklage
Has there ever been a character who personified the plight of short men more than Tyrion Lannister? Of course, I understand that at 4 foot 5 inches, I have an entire foot on the guy, and that foot is the difference between dwarf and man. So I have that much more respect for his greatness. If Tyrion isn’t enough to convince you, then allow me to add another exemplary Dinklage character: “Space Pants” singer Jonathon Comets, who takes one small step for man, and a giant leap for short pants.
Photo: Jason LaVeris (Getty).
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Voltaire
Including the biggest rapscallion of the French Enlightenment isn’t just an excuse to use the word rapscallion. At just 5 foot 3 inches tall, this great little guy is one of the big reasons you’re free to sit here and read this drivel today. Of course, by those freedoms, you could instead be researching more deeply into the fundamental ideals of the Enlightenment, but that seems exhausting, right? Alas, greatness often is.
Photo: Culture Club / Contributor (Getty).
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Jason Alexander
Before Tyrian, 5 foot 5 inch tall Jason Alexander gifted us one of the greatest short characters in television history: the ever-worried George Costanza. George also personified the short man’s plight, albeit with a whole extra inhibitor: baldness. Not to mention shrinkage, which is every man’s plight. Fortunately, not every short man is also inhibited by short genitalia. For the record, I’m talking about my huge c--k here; not George’s.
Photo: NBC (Getty).
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Martin Scorsese
Sure, we could talk about all his Oscars, but if you need further proof than the fact that this giant 5 foot 4 inch man got Margot Robbie to disrobe on top of a pile of money, than you need to get yourself another short writer.
Photo: Larry Busacca
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Mel Brooks
As a short guy, you go through life generally developing one of two personality traits: a sense of humor or a Napoleon complex. (For the record, Napoleon was 5 foot 6 inches and therefore doesn’t qualify for this company of great short men.) Anyways, no one’s sense of humor ever developed as much as 5 foot 5 inch Mel Brooks’, which certainly helped shape my sense of humor, one fart joke at a time. So if you don’t like this list, take it up with him.
Photo: Jim Steinfeldt
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James Madison
Sure, scrappy Alexander Hamilton is the short founding father in fashion these days, but at 5 foot 7 inches, he’s not short enough to be a truly great short guy. That honor I bestow upon 5 foot 4 inch James Madison, the fourth President of these here United States of America, and the "Father of the Constitution.” That’s right, we have the laws of this great land because of the greatness of a short guy. So next time you’re at a concert, and a tall guy looms over you and blocks your visionary path, tell him that he’s obstructing freedom itself, along with your view. Of course, he is free to do so, and there’s not much us short guys can do about it. It’s a truth every unarmed short guy knows: that in the end, in this ultimately lawless world of men, might really does mean right.
Photo: raclro (Getty).
