Photo: NBC (Getty)
As it turns out, Clarissa can’t explain it all and saluting your shorts is anti-American. However great the nostalgia factor, some of your favorite timeless TV shows have become basically unwatchable with the times. With enough advancements in CGI, scriptwriting and any other myriad of real-life actor flaws, shows you once deemed irreplaceable have eventually been replaced, rebooted or have gone out with Hammer pants. You wouldn’t know it without looking, but that’s why we’re here.
Check out these timeless TV shows (that you can always binge-watch them) that are beginning to bomb the test of time, but you must heed our warning: This may be soul-crushing excavation, but you should watch them anyway. And make sure your boss doesn’t catch you watching them!
10 Timeless TV Shows That Are Basically Unwatchable Now
But hey, sure, they might make you completely cringe, but something tells us your favorite shows will do the same 30 years from now, so I expect to find myself watching the shows I love while I’m hating everyone in the senior citizen home my awful kids have put me in.
*Continues watching Friends reruns*
And now see if you agree with this: The 10 Best Episodes Of TV History
Timeless TV Shows
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“Batman”
You might think the 1966 Adam West series is a staple of television history, and, to be fair, it is, but it’s nearly impossible to sit through an entire episode of it after watching Christopher Nolan’s Batman films. While we love a good Batman versus Joker surf contest, it’s a completely odd and unrealistic tone, not to mention the stunts and fight scenes look ridiculous. Is it perfect for a little stoner Sunday laugh? Absolutely. But we’re not having an easy time watching Cesar Romero go up against Heath Ledger.
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“Saved by the Bell”
It was the go-to show for hot ‘90s girls and a cleverly-hatched high school schemes, but 20 years later, we’re cringing trying to get through some of these cheesy Bayside schooldays. Most of the show’s school functions aren’t even real (teen hotline? Casey Casem dance contest?). As much as I like the idea of dancing to The Beach Boys Barbara Ann with my best friends, I now know it’s illegal to break and enter someone else’s house and spy on them. If half these things happened today, these kids would be in jail. Time out, Dustin Diamond beat me to that punch.
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“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Classic Series)”
Not only is the dialogue about as basic turtle bitch as possible, it’s commonly not synced. Add that to the sad action sequences that pale in comparison to the franchise’s 2007 CGI film, as well as the recent Michael Bay productions, and you can see why Saturday mornings aren’t quite the same.
The missing continuity, plot lines that barely add up and the ‘how the hell did they get from there to here’ potholes lead to a maddening childhood experience revisited. For example, the pilot alone shows Shredder having surveillance of every scenario on his massive flat screen, including in the sewers, despite not knowing the Turtles even existed. Apparently, they didn't make the show for adults with fully-formed brains, even if one of the main villains is a literal fully-formed brain.
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“Growing Pains”
If you’re wondering where the cast of Growing Pains is now, we can tell you that one is a Jesus freak who tried to save Christmas, and another (whose nickname directly referenced the male genitalia) committed suicide. Knowing what we know now, it makes the show virtually unwatchable, except of course for the later seasons when young Leo DiCaprio shows up and steals our hearts. We’ll still give them best TV show theme song any day of the week, though.
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“7th Heaven”
The Camdens were always America’s clean fun for family programming, but amidst all the crumbling reputations of TV dads (Danny Tanner is a sleaze and Bill Cosby is allegedly a rapist), we lost faith in the most unlikely to upset, Reverend Camden. Upon Stephen Collins admitting to child molestation, it’s hard to watch not only the Camdens, but also some of our favorite It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes. Just kidding, we could watch that show endlessly. But hey, we will always have this video.
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“The Wonder Years”
It’s hard to turn down Winnie Cooper. What feels like a real-life Mad Man experience with spot-on ‘60s sets and wardrobe is something January Jones and Jon Hamm couldn’t touch. Actually shot closer to the actual Mad Man era itself, The Wonder Years is hauntingly authentic to the times, like a live action rendition of Bill Burr’s F Is for Family.
With the development of good TV writing, the need for a narrator has slowly been fazed out, which might be part of why the new Arrested Development was so underwhelming. The show’s creator must’ve assumed everyone watching was too dumb to follow the storyline, sort of a tell-‘em instead of show-‘em storytelling style. And did anyone notice the big thud at Kevin’s school was named Charles Manson?
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“Beverly Hills 90210”
The big hair, the baggy clothes, the lack of cleavage; what the hell were they thinking? The same goes for any of the ‘90s teens dramas (Party of Five, Melrose Place), whose issues are a tad outdated and plot lines are foiled by today’s technology. A simple text could’ve saved so many tears!
While most thirty-somethings grew up dreaming of living in Beverly Hills, I can tell you from experience, it’s not that great. The traffic is horrible, the drip coffee is overpriced and the women are scarcely human. These details didn’t make it into the show very much (save for Tori Spelling and Tiffani Thiessen’s awesome fake breasts), making it a touch unrealistic. If Aaron Spelling was honest with the writing, someone would’ve been late getting to every scene.
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“Smallville”
With all the Superman movies springing up, it reminds us that Smallville cast the role of Clark Kent, Lex Luthor and Jonathan Kent better than any of the films have so far (Kevin Costner, really?) While Amy Adams is great, the show’s Lois Lane was better cast than the movies’. But, and it’s a big steel but, the show is dated about a decade behind CW’s Arrow, and the fight scenes, especially so far in the fifth season, make “Smallville” look like a prom slow dance.
If you don’t believe us, watch the Smallville stab at Green Arrow with the candy ass Justin Hartley compared to Stephen Amell’s character.
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“Charles in Charge”
He is no longer in charge of our days nor nights, not with his political views. Picture quality, wardrobe and scripting aside, we simply have lost our love for this show based on Scott Baio and his right-winged voting style. That is all, but we still love Nicole Eggert (check out where the cast of “Baywatch” is More Than 25 Years Later).
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“A.L.F.”
Although it’s highly enjoyable and recommended you try it, the episodes of our favorite alien life form are so primitive in their quality and scripting, it’s near acutely painful. Luckily, the little long-snouted muppet has some killer one-liners. Unfortunately, A.L.F. has possibly the biggest TV finale letdowns in all of television history. What the hell were they thinking having the government abduct the poor guy? Love his drive to eat the family’s cat, though!
