Nasally-voiced Canadian comedian Norm MacDonald is the type of comic that others wish they were. He’s wise enough to know that the only thing that matters in comedy is humor, and everything else is irrelevant fluff. These 15 quotes are ripped from SNL’s “Weekend Update,” interviews and stand-up routines. To read them is to walk away laughing.
1. In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can’t drive.
2. In my opinion, if we’re going to fight the War on Terror, a good place to start would be our country’s haunted houses.
3. They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
4. It’s a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you’re good at it, then they go, “How would you like to be a horrible actor?” Then you say, “All right, that sounds good. I’ll do that.”
5. Reports say that Michael Jackson’s wife is now pregnant with the pop star’s second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose his looks.
6. There is one country that worries me — not Iraq, not Iran, not North Korea. The only country that really worries me is the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are history buffs or not. In the early part of the previous century, Germans decided to go to war. And who did they go to war with? The world. That’d never been tried before. So you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win, but no, it was actually close. Then about 30 years past, and Germany decides again to go to war, and again, it chooses as its enemy, the world…but you think at that point the world would go, listen Germany, here’s the deal, you don’t get to be a country no more, on account of you keep attacking the world.
7. In a survey this week, men said they preferred penis size to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they’d rather be 5’2″ with a seven-inch penis. Thirty-six percent said they’d rather be 6’3″ with a three-inch penis. And the remaining two percent said they’d rather be 1’4″ with a 300-inch penis.
8. R.I.P. Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
9. I’ve been offered political shows before, and I don’t know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions. There’s consequences to them. I often think I’m wrong, so I really don’t like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.
10. I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster, but it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
11. I saw this one commercial for cat food. At the end of it, it says, “All natural food for your cat.” All natural food? But cat food is made out of horse meat. Yeah, that’s the way it works in nature: the cat, right above the horse in the food chain.
12. A stock market rally pushed the Dow Jones Industrial Average past the four thousand mark for the first time ever. I have no idea what that means.
13. I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it’s just a bunch of gay guys.
14. I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, one. Oh God, I looked good. Young and fresh. You wouldn’t know me now if you’d seen me when I was one. I even looked good for my age. People would come up and go, “What are you, zero?” And I’d go,”No, I’m one over here.”
15. I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
Speaking of Norm’s overlooked greatness: 9 Reasons Why “Dirty Work” Is The Most Underrated Comedy Of All Time
