I don’t know if you’ve noticed it, but athletes get away with lots of things that you or I could never do at our jobs. The celebrations, the controversies and all the other things that make sports unique probably wouldn’t fly at the law office where you file paperwork all day. But what if it did? Here’s what would happen if behavior in sports was perfectly acceptable in your office job.
1. The Scenario: No one can seem to clear the paper jam out of the copier. You come in and check the bottom tray, find the jam and get the copier working again.
What Would Normally Happen: You smile and Brenda from accounting says, “Oh thanks.”
Sports Behavior: You pull out the paper jam, high step down the hallway like ’90s Deion Sanders while Drake’s “Jumpman” blasts through the PA system.
2. The Scenario: You get awarded employee of the year at the local H&R Block where you work.
What Would Normally Happen: You get a plaque and your friends take you to dinner. Your Facebook status about it gets 19 likes.
Sports Behavior: You start dating a Brazilian supermodel and take the next month off to vacation in Belize.
3. The Scenario: Your office finishes a large project and everyone is very happy with how it turned out.
What Would Normally Happen: You tell each other “good job” and maybe go to Chili’s for happy hour to enjoy some two-for-one margaritas.
Sports Behavior: You dump a cooler of Gatorade on your project manager’s head then you all go into one office where you spray each other with bottles of champagne and wear hats and T-shirts that say, “We Finished Our Project On Time 2016.”
4. The Scenario: You mess up on a document and accidentally send a client 10 units instead of 100 units.
What Would Normally Happen: You apologize to the client and give them a discount on their next order. No one really notices and everything is fine.
Sports Behavior: ESPN has experts talking about how and why you messed up for the next two weeks, blogs are written about how you should be fired and thousands of people message you on social media telling you that you suck.
5. The Scenario: You go to Cracker Barrel every day on your lunch break.
What Would Normally Happen: The waitress vaguely remembers your name and sometimes gives you a free refill on your coffee.
Sports Behavior: You become an official spokesman of Cracker Barrel and get thousands of dollars for eating there or wearing a Cracker Barrel hat from time to time.
6. The Scenario: You went out for drinks with a woman you work with and hugged her in the parking lot before she left.
What Would Normally Happen: The receptionist might ask you about it, but other than a little water cooler gossip, no one really cares.
Sports Behavior: TMZ runs the headline “SEX SCANDAL AT THE CINCINNATI RADIO SHACK! IS HE TRYING TO SLEEP HIS WAY TO A PROMOTION?” By the end of the week, USWeekly runs a report that you two are having a baby and are madly in love.
7. The Scenario: You walk into the office to start your workday and sit down at your desk.
What Would Normally Happen: The guy in the cubicle next to you says hi and asks if you did anything fun this weekend. You didn’t. He doesn’t really care anyway.
Sports Behavior: The lights go out and a spotlight hits the front door. Pyro goes off as Guns N’ Roses’
“Welcome to the Jungle” starts playing. You run up to Kenneth from HR and do that move where you jump at each other and bump hips.
8. The Scenario: You decided to transfer from the Louisville branch of the company to the Lexington branch.
What Would Normally Happen: Some coworkers tell you they’ll miss you. A few of your regular customers may inquire where you are the next time they’re in, but nothing major.
Sports Behavior: Customers that use the Louisville branch close out the accounts they started with you and burn your business cards in the streets. They go to your new branch and boo you while you try and help your new customers and hold up signs about how you’re a sellout and how much you suck.
9. The Scenario: You get in a fight with someone from a rival branch during a conference and create a scene.
What Would Normally Happen: You’re probably not going to jail, but you’re absolutely going to get fired.
Sports Behavior: You might get a deduction from your next check and may have to take a day or two off work, but your boss will praise you for being so passionate and firing up your coworkers to sell more printer toner.
10. The Scenario: You get arrested for beating a woman.
What Would Normally Happen: You’re never working here again.
Sports Behavior: You made the company a lot of money last year, so you’re cool. Come back whenever you’re out of jail.
