We all know and love the ’90s (mainly because the Internet won’t stop reminding us about it), but it wasn’t all Spice Girls and “Home Alone” sequels. Some of the things we treasure were actually a bit disturbing. Take, for instance, these commercials. You probably saw them hundreds of times as a kid, but never realized how jacked up they really were.
1. Don’t Wake Daddy
Why were these kids not allowed to eat? This terrible dad has a dozen children and they have to sneak around in the middle of the night to try and salvage some food. Yet if they happen to make a sound, their psychotic father is going to jump out of his bed and beat them with a belt. What a fun game!
2. Mr. Bucket
First of all, if a magical talking bucket comes soaring into a window of a house full of only children, you need to call the police immediately. Once this creep gains entry, he starts singing some terrifying song about how balls are popping out of his mouth. Did no one in marketing stop for just a second and say, “Oh right, this is the absolute worst sentence anyone could possibly say. Let’s try something else.”
3. Bubble Tape
Hey, maybe all those adults don’t want to chew Bubble Tape because it’s a big fat circle of sugar taffy that eats away at your teeth like the plague. This was a big ad campaign concept in the ’90s where companies sold garbage to kids with the slogan, “Screw what adults think! Eat what you like! There are no consequences! Coolio is a true artist!”
4. Operation
If you’re wondering why American Health Care is a complete disaster, look no further than the advertising for the board game Operation. In this ad, a man who is clearly falling apart in every way comes into the hospital and is going to be treated by children. Do they have any sort of qualifications or education in the medical field? Probably not. Now the kids just start ripping parts out of his body because the more they take, the more money they can milk from the patient. Thanks Obama!
5. Apple Jacks
Apple Jacks took the “parents just don’t understand” idea to a whole new level with their campaign that was basically, “Shut up dad, you stupid piece of trash. I’m eating this and if you don’t like it I’m running away!” Is this some sort of gang? “Eat these Apple Jacks and let’s kill our parents! Hail Satan!”
6. Socker Boppers
The problem with the Soccer Boppers commercial is that they try to make them look fun. Let me be clear: no one ever had fun while getting hit with Soccer Boppers. This was a toy designed by older brothers to make beating the crap out of their younger siblings appear to be a game. It’s just a bigger fist! Why would you ever buy that for your child?
7. Popsicle
It’s clear that Popsicles were just gateway drugs leading directly to the most psychedelic substances any human being could possibly obtain. Where does it end? First you were snorting Fun Dip and now you’re taking hits of Popsicles alone in the basement? You need to get your life together because this relationship is over!
8. Bagel Bites
They tried to convince our parents that putting low-quality pizza toppings on a bagel somehow made it a breakfast item. Just sit back and think about how absurd that is for a minute.
9. Corn Pops
Seriously, how high is Aaron Paul in this commercial? His parents are clearly concerned about his behavior considering he’s so messed up that he can’t even carry on a basic conversation without having some sort of Corn Pops withdrawals. I’m just glad they sold every cereal and candy in the ’90s like it was crystal meth and then fried an egg to show us what our brains look like while on actual drugs. At least the egg is natural!
10. Hot Pockets
Nobody has ever been that excited about eating a Hot Pocket. No one. Plus, if you’ve ever made a Hot Pocket you know that the only possible way to consume one of those death burritos is to cut it in half and let it cool for a good 15-20 minutes. If you grabbed a Hot Pocket directly out of the microwave and bit into it, you would die. Rest in peace, you Hot Pocket-loving fool.
