Going to the theater to watch a movie is always a gamble. You’re paying a chunk of money to watch a movie that may or may not be good while enjoying the most expensive popcorn and soda this side of Disney World. But the biggest gamble of all is who you’ll be watching the movie with in the theater. A couple of obnoxious moviegoers can ruin the experience for everyone. Here are 12 types of people who should never be allowed in a theater again.
1. The Custom Ringtone Devil
Most of us have experienced that awful moment of forgetting to put your phone on silent, and having it ring during a movie. It’s awful and you furiously dig for your phone to turn it off immediately. That can be annoying, but the worst people are the ones that have a 37 minute Iggy Azalea freestyle set as their ringtone and turn it up full volume, then let it play through the entire song because they don’t realize it’s their phone. Of course it’s your phone! No one else would want to hear that song 20 times every day.
2. The Encore Ringtone
There’s a terrible variation of the loud ringtone person that will drive you into complete rage. This person still has the loud, obnoxious ringtone, but it’s usually the Motorola techno theme song because they haven’t figured out how to add a custom song. They hear their phone go off and pick it up, but they don’t click the side button to silence the ringtone, so they spend a full minute staring at their phone, wondering what Aunt Linda wants and blasting “HELLO MOTO” through the entire theater. Just like the director of the movie intended.
3. Free Commentary Track
If I wanted to hear commentary on the movie, I’d buy the Blu-ray and let the words of Barry Sonnenfeld explain all the intricate details of “Men in Black 3.” I don’t need Husky Steve in the back row to yell out advice and comment on every scene. Will Smith can’t hear you, but I can and the only thing I’m praying for is your mouth to do that thing Keanu’s did in the first “Matrix.”
4. The Lay-Z-Boy
I don’t mind if people put their feet up on the seat as long as there’s no one within 3 seats of their feet. However, when the shoes come off and the feet go up, you should be charged with a crime. Have you been in public before? You’re like two steps from urinating in a milk jug you keep under your seat.
5. Operation: Free Snacks
I don’t care if you bring your own snacks so you don’t have to pay $316 for a medium popcorn. But please stop bringing snacks that require loud, multiple steps to open or consume. If you’re cracking open cans of Dr. Pepper and frying up sirloins on a Foreman grill, you’ve moved from thrifty moviegoer, to public nuisance. Plus, I used to work in a movie theater, so if I had to clean up your sunflower seeds you spit all over the floor, I will hunt you down and “Tusk” you into a walrus.
6. Mr. Scare My Friends
Let me start off by saying that I hate you more than almost anyone in the world. To me, you are just below terrorist and slightly above people who post daily Facebook statuses about their workout regimen. You’re the reason I can only go watch horror movies in the theater on Tuesday afternoons. This idiot will scream loudly during quiet scenes to scare his awful friends, who will then scream and laugh for the next two minutes. Best of all, this happens during critical scenes in the movie, so any suspense is completely destroyed by the Garbage Pail Kids, who I can only assume will be hopping in their dumpster and eating clumps of hair after the movie’s over.
7. The Advisor
Here are the phrases this guy always yells:
“DON’T GO IN THERE!”
“YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE!”
“LOOK BEHIND YOU!”
If you’ve ever screamed out any of these sentences in a theater, please start illegally downloading your movies so we don’t have to sit through a screening with you. If North Korea really wanted to ruin the film industry, they could just send in guys to yell out advice to movie characters and I’d never go back. You didn’t think of that one, did you Kim?
8. The Babysitter
Look, I have a child so I know that movie trips get expensive when you have to factor in a babysitter. There are other times when you can’t get a sitter and you have to choose to either stay home or bring the baby. Let me, and everyone else in the theater solve this one for you: STAY HOME. Why on earth are you bringing a newborn to the movies? Even worse, why are you bringing a two-year-old to watch a hard R-rated movie? We’re either going to be constantly annoyed by crying or sad thinking about the therapy bills you’re currently creating for your child when he grows up.
9. The Bathroom Herd
I understand that bathroom trips are sometimes necessary during a movie. The combination of a small bladder and a large drink usually result in a few missed scenes. The problem is when an entire row of teenagers decides to take turns going to the bathroom 487 times. This results in them climbing over each other like some sort of makeshift “American Ninja Warrior” obstacle course and causes all of their terrible friends to cackle loudly every time. There’s also another variation of this group …
10. The Bathroom Stampede
This group doesn’t stumble over each other. Instead, they all decide to go to the bathroom at the same time. So now, at the pivotal moment of Interstellar, when McConaughey is taking off into space, you missed all the dialogue because Meghan had to pee and Tiffani decided to get Jake and Chloe to come along so they could call Tylar and see WTF is even up with Jordyn.
11. The Unintentional Flashlight Guy
Putting your phone on silent is great, but if you have a cell phone that has a screen as large as a PSP and you keep checking your phone, you’re driving everyone behind you completely insane. This always seems to happen in dark movies too. The screen is black and suspenseful, but it’s about to be completely ruined because Greg in the fifth row just got a text alert that T-Mobile has phone cases for 10% off and he has to study it for the next 3 minutes. PUT YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET, YOU MONSTER.
12. The Unspoken Rule Breakers
I don’t know when we came to this agreement as a society, but we all know that the back row is designated for dry humping and making out. That way you’re out of sight and we can enjoy the movie while you guys round second base. The issue is when a couple decides to violate this delicate treaty and moves to the middle of the theater to take each other down Hand Love Blvd. How are we supposed to watch Brad Pitt battle the Nazis with a Keith Sweat song being acted out in the sixth row? Either keep it in your pants or keep it in the back row.
