Have you ever wondered what the frontman of U2 does on a daily basis? There’s no way he just goes to the grocery store and picks up around his house like normal people, right? Well, get ready to quench your curiosity because we have an exclusive look at what an average day looks like for Bono. It’s real and it’s raw, but most importantly, it’s Bono.
7:04 am – Bono sets his alarm to go off at the exact moment of the sunrise so he can say hello and tell it about his night. He likes to hold his hand up to the sun and make it move so it looks like the sun is talking back. Bono laughs out loud at the sun’s jokes.
8:00 am – He spends the next hour in his hat room, where he starts with donning a tiny hat and then puts on a slightly bigger one like a Russian nesting doll. Any time you see Bono, he is wearing a minimum of six hats.
9:00 am – Bono has a contact in his phone called Africa that he was told he could contact every morning and ask how the continent is doing. It’s just his manager’s phone. He texts it smiley faces every morning and asks if they need any songs. They never do.
10:30 am – He spends the next half hour doing Web searches like this:
11:00 am – For the next hour, he has hand therapy. His fingers become very cramped and sore because they spend the majority of the day making a peace sign. Doctors have asked him repeatedly to cut back on peace signs but he refuses.
12:00 pm – Around noon, he has a balanced lunch of what he calls the cheapest food available because he wants to stay connected with the less fortunate by eating like them. His average lunch costs $700 and he weeps the entire time. “How do they live like this?” he cries.
1:00 pm – After lunch is eye therapy. This is the only part of the day where Bono removes his sunglasses and lets his eyes experience light and actual colors. His vision has become like that of a dog since 2003.
1:30 pm – Bono spends the next hour texting the most famous and powerful people in the world, but he’s not alone. He has a staff of 30 people that must sit in the room so he can tell them who he’s texting. They have to go “oooooh,” like when Zack and Kelly would kiss on “Saved by the Bell.” They all hate their lives.
2:30 pm – After he’s done texting, he goes into his thinking room to come up with ideas to solve world problems. One whiteboard just says, “Can people eat songs?”
3:45 pm – The Edge usually comes by at this part of the day to practice new songs. Instead of playing instruments, they sit in a room and stare at the instruments asking the guitars what they’d like to do today. Bono weeps that the guitars are unable to answer.
5:00 pm – Bono heads over to the local hospital and, from behind a bulletproof cage, he suggests names for all the newborn babies. Here are the last batch of names he suggested:
- Not Bono
- Light Todd
- Barack O’U2
- 4
- Bass Boy
- Karf
- Hungry
No one has ever used a name he recommended but the hospital gives Bono fake birth certificates so he feels like he accomplished something. They’re printed on construction paper.
7:00 pm – Bono watches select scenes from “The Matrix” to study how Neo flips his jacket in a cool manner. He tries to emulate him, but can never quite get it down. He breaks the DVD even though he knows he’ll just go and buy another one tomorrow. He’s bought thousands of DVDs of “The Matrix.”
8:30 pm – Bono slips out with dozens of U2 albums and slides them under the door of stranger’s homes, despite signs saying, “Please stop putting U2 albums under our door.” He does the same houses every night.
10:30 pm – Bono doesn’t like to close his own eyes so he hired two former blood diamond miners to rest their hands over his open eyes until he falls asleep. He weeps the entire time.
