Have you felt that “crisp” element in the air? Smelled the season’s first wood fires from chimneys? Or gotten lost in the Christmas lawn ornament section of Costco on your way to the free food samples? Admit it: It’s fall. And although it sucks that summer’s over, we’ve found a few silver linings you really can look forward to.
Ugh: For the next two months, it’s not just socially acceptable, it’s almost a requirement for couples to go on meandering, destination-less drives to look at trees.
On the bright side: Leaf country is also home to some kick-ass distilleries – before jumping in the car, do your homework and add a side trip. “Need another restroom stop, honey? Oh look – I’ll bet they have some here; as well as free tours and tastings? Well, I’ll be damned.”
Ugh: Your front stoop’s about to turn into a veritable soup kitchen for neighborhood brats on sugar highs, and you’re likely accountable for funding it … and working the front line.
On the bright side: You’re totally entitled to have a bowl full of candy bars in your house, which you can surreptitiously refill, and you’re not genuinely excited? C’mon, man.
Ugh: No longer just the realm of pie and latte, the wicked gourd’s wormed its way into just about everything. Oreos? Tick. Pop-Tarts? Check. Pringles? Uh-huh.
On the bright side: At least eggnog and gingerbread flavoring’s still another six weeks away.
Ugh: It’s hard enough to get dressed for work each morning. Coming up with a creative-yet-un-embarrassing-and-masculine ensemble is all but impossible.
On the bright side: Expect no less than ten women at each party to be dressed like the dragon-baby momma from “Game of Thrones.”
Ugh: They sell apples at the grocery store … what is this? Ye olden times? Are you expected to churn your own butter, too?
On the bright side: Those picking places usually sell homemade pies. Mmmmmm, pies.
Ugh: No matter what you wear, you’ll be uncomfortable multiple times each day. With the heat on in some buildings, the air conditioner blasting in others, and Mother Nature doing whatever the hell she wants, there’s no way to be prepared. Give up.
On the bright side: You’ve got a built-in excuse for dressing poorly – “Oh, this? I know, right? My cashmere sweater was too heavy for the office, and my tailored shirt too light for happy hour, so here I am at dinner in my Eagles jersey. What can ya do, huh?”
Ugh: You will, no doubt, be expected to spend triple the time (in the car) or money (on a flight) to spend time with people you’ve endured for longer than, literally, anyone.
On the bright side: Those people are beholden to do your laundry, feed you and let you watch SportsCenter uninterrupted, minus the occasional cheek-pinching – which is worth it in the end.
Ugh: It’s dark when you travel to and from work. It’s dark when you’re at the gym. It’s dark when you catch up with friends. It’s actually dark all the damn time – apart from the hours you spend in an windowless office.
On the bright side: Nothing bright aside from those fluorescent lights above your cubicle, son. But at least there’s that extra hour of sleep to look forward to.
