Sorry Your Team Lost: NFL Roundup Week 17

Well, the NFL regular season has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities in the 2014 season. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism. See you next year.

Ravens
It looks like the season is over for Joe “Sure I Won a Super Bowl, but I Play Like a Drunk Rex Grossman” Flacco. I feel bad for their local fans, because they have to live The Wire every day, but for all the bandwagon fans that jumped on after the Super Bowl, I hope you enjoy your outdated Ed Reed jerseys. By the way, how bad is your offense when the defense gets FOUR interceptions and you still lose by three scores?

Dolphins
All the Dolphins had to do was beat the Jets and, with the other game’s results, they were in the playoffs. It appears that the mighty arm of Geno Smith was just too much for them. On the bright side, Mike Wallace finished with 25 yards, so it’s a good thing they spent more than the cost of the Iraq war to sign him. At least you’ll always have Richie Incognito, who may or may not be the adult version of Rudy Zolteck from Little Giants.

Falcons
Atlanta didn’t have much to play for as far as this season goes, but it was a big game for Tony Gonzalez, as he finished off his illustrious 318-year career. He’s had more retirement rumors than Eminem and Justin Bieber combined, but this time you know it’s real because CBS showed footage of him kissing his family before the game. You don’t publically kiss your family unless it’s serious. The Falcons almost pulled one out against the Panthers, but really it’s would have only hurt their draft order. Also, it’s fun to watch Arthur Blank’s Hitler mustache spin in a circle every time they lose a home game.

Browns
As soon as the game was over, it was announced that Rob Chudzinski would be fired from the head coach position. Unconfirmed reports said that players didn’t respect him and that the team was a complete mess. Uh, yeah. Have you seen a Cleveland Browns’ game this year? They continue to be absolutely awful, while their fans have been insisting that “this year is going to be different” for the last 8 years. A good rule when hiring a head coach should be to avoid anyone with the word “Chud” in their name.

Redskins
Did you watch this game? Congratulations, you were 1 of 27 people who stuck around for this XFL preseason matchup. Eli Manning left in the second quarter because he thought he left his electric toothbrush on at home. Seriously, this is a perfect ending to two dreadful seasons that can be summed up in one single picture:

Jaguars
After a rough start to the season the Jaguars, well, they pretty much kept being terrible. It’s not just this loss to the Colts, but almost every game this season was a chore for fans to sit through. You know how you watch the first hour of the first Lord of the Rings movie because you know it’s a small sacrifice for hours of quality entertainment later? Being a Jaguars fan this year is like watching that first hour over and over, for 17 straight weeks.

Lions
You can really see how much better Calvin Johnson makes Matt Stafford on a day like this. He was only able to throw a single touchdown against a Vikings defense that’s been scored on more than Courtney Stodden in an IHOP restroom. No team threw away more opportunities than the Lions who played in a division that saw every other team’s quarterback go down with an injury. You have to be a special kind of terrible to throw away that kind of gift.

Texans
What more could you possibly say about this swamp goblin of a team, other than they’d better hope Teddy Bridgewater declares for the draft so they can get some sort of excitement at quarterback. The combination of Matt “Oh Wait, Wrong Team” Schaub and Case “Audible Sigh” Keenum clearly didn’t get the job done, as they finished the year with 14-straight losses.

Buccaneers
The Bucs finished off the year with a complete dismantling at the hands of the Saints. It’s fitting, since they began to dismantle themselves as soon as the year started. Even with all the talent and promise Tampa had, they finished with the same record as the Jaguars, giving us yet another reason to declare the state of Florida a toxic wasteland and sending it floating into the Atlantic Ocean.

Raiders
If you want to look up the last time the Raiders were actually good, you would have to go into an old storage locker and search through documents that have been sealed away for decades in a room like this:

The only bright spot for Raider fans was that they got to watch Peyton Manning break a few more records. There’s just so many areas on this team that needs improvement and until the ghost of Al Davis stops haunting them, they won’t stand a chance.

Rams
The Seahawks proved why they’re the top team in the NFC with an impressive win against the Rams who have quite a bit of talent, but the unfortunate honor of sharing a division with San Francisco, Seattle, and Arizona. Maybe Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, and Isaac Bruce will come chat with them before every game next season and teach them about intimidation like Bruce Smith and Emmit Smith did on Little Giants. I realize that’s the second reference to that movie, but if you aren’t finding a reason to mention a Rick Moranis movie at least 6 times per day, you really need to do some soul searching.

Bills
What a terrible performance by the Bills. The Patriots had five fumbles in a rainy game, none of which were recovered by Buffalo. FIVE FUMBLES. Buffalo made LeGarrette Blount look like Bo Jackson on Techmo Bowl, as he ran for 189 yards and a pair of touchdowns. Let me also give a big congratulations to Tom Brady on the bye week. I’m sure he’s going to spend the week getting his Uggs professionally cleaned and his scalp covered in ladybug breath or whatever it is he likes to do. Enjoy it Tom, Bill Belichick didn’t sacrifice all of those innocent goats for nothing!

Bears
The Bears had a wonderful season and are a great team. I love them. (Our lead editor is a Bears fan, so I feel like he’s suffered enough)

Cardinals
It has to be tough to win ten games and not make the playoffs, but let me be a bit biased for a second and say that, as a lifelong Bengals’ fan, nothing pleases me more than seeing Carson Palmer come up short. I know it’s been a few years since he bullied his way out of Cincinnati, but it’s like seeing your ex is now dating one of your childhood heroes. No thanks. One thing this season definitely proved is that the NFC West is now the toughest division in football. Sorry, St. Louis, it’s going to be a rough ride for quite a while.

Chiefs
Sure the Chiefs lost, but it’s hard to really be excited as a Chargers fan when your team had to go to overtime to beat the second string of the Chiefs. The Chiefs asked me if I wanted to play quarterback, but I just wasn’t really in the mood, so they went with Chase Daniel who you may know from nothing whatsoever. Jamaal Charles also had two touchdowns on the ground against San Diego’s defense. Oh wait, that wasn’t Charles, it was Knile Davis who I’m fairly certain was Kelsey Grammer’s brother on Frasier. Sorry Chargers, the only reason you’re in the playoffs is because Ryan Succop stanky legg’d a chip shot field goal.

Cowboys
It’s a bad night for fans of the New York Yankees and the Miami Heat. I assume the majority of Dallas fans also like those teams as well. Tony Romo wasn’t around to throw his famous interception, so Kyle Orton stepped in to take over the role. The announcers desperately wanted it to end in controversy over the play clock as Chris Collinsworth almost had a seizure yelling about a 5-yard penalty on Dallas late in the game. Luckily they scored on the drive and ended up losing cleanly, leaving ESPN absolutely nothing to talk about now that the Jets and the Cowboys are eliminated. Maybe they’ll just show old footage of Troy Aikman and hug each other?