Well, week 11 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Atlanta
After getting crushed by the almighty Tampa Bay Buccaneers less than a week before, did anyone think the Falcons had a chance against the Saints? Atlanta is proving this year that a lot of great players don’t equal a great team. It’s like when your cousin would play you in “Madden” and he would pick one of the Pro Bowl teams, and then make your team someone terrible. You would still beat him because you knew how to do all the juke moves and hot routes while he just pounded the sprint button over and over. Just admit that you suck and get out of my room, Danny!
Miami
Miami was up 16-6 at halftime and everything looked great for the Tannehill gang. Then at halftime Richie Incognito put a gypsy curse on the team and caused them to fall apart faster than a Don Shula house party that was secretly a front for an orgy. I’m just assuming no one wants to see Don Shula’s naked body. The Dolphins had a chance to win it on a last second Hail Mary, but Mike “Hey, at least I’m fast” Wallace let it fall though his buttery hands.
Chicago
The big story from the Bears and Rams game was when Chris Long, of the Rams, got into a scuffle and was pulled out by Kyle Long who, get this, is his brother! This isn’t the first time a player has saved his brother from a potentially bad situation. In 1998, Ronde Barber stopped Tiki Barber from getting into a scuffle, which would have been a huge penalty against Tiki. Also in 2009 Peyton Manning helped his brother Eli get his head stuck out of a vending machine after Reggie Wayne had bet Eli $13 he couldn’t do it. Peyton eventually had to call the fire department, but Eli kept yelling the whole time, “Haha you owe me $13!”
New York Jets
Can we just stop saying the Jets are a playoff team? They’re awful. Sure they have a few nice wins, but you can’t be this horribly inconsistent and expect to make a run at the playoffs. When your top player for the day is a running back with 41 yards, your season is in trouble. By the way, that player was Bilal Powell, whose first name sounds like a character from “Street Fighter 2” throwing a fireball.
Houston
The Texans have now lost nine games in a row and now have the worst record in the NFL. They lost to Jacksonville. That’s like losing to Glass Joe on “Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.” I know they have some injuries on offense and Andre Johnson has been doing his best Dez Bryant impression as he storms off the field crying, but what about that swarming defense everyone feared coming into the season? That’s a cool Biore Strip you have on your nose, JJ Watt. How about you worry about your pores later and maybe lead your team to a win?
Detroit
Tampa has now won three in a row, and Detroit looks as inconsistent as ever. Matt Stafford had four interceptions, while Mike Glennon, who got the job by collecting six proof of purchases from General Mills’ cereal boxes, played nearly perfect. His top receiver was, of course, Tiquan Underwood, who you may remember from the House Party movies.
Cleveland
Oh, Cleveland. The Browns got destroyed by the Steelers, which means now we have to listen to every “expert” talk about how the Steelers are right back in contention and are going to be a force down the stretch. They’re not a force. They’re a sub-500 team and the only reason there’s any discussion around them whatsoever is that the bottom part of the AFC is so bad, they’re just the least terrible. Josh Gordon broke the Browns record for most receiving yards in a game, which would be amazing if I could name more than two good wide receivers the Browns have ever had.
Kansas City
I love this so much. Every Kansas City fan whined and moaned that the Chiefs weren’t getting respect for their victories over the Bills, Browns, Texans, the Milwaukee School for the Blind, Hamilton High School’s Junior Varsity Team, and the Third Shift Crew from the Burger King on 8th Street. Look what happens when they play a halfway decent team; they lose. It’s not that the Chiefs are a bad team, they’re just not as good as everyone was trying to make them out to be. Remember that dominant defense everyone was bragging about? They had more points put on them this week than Jerome Simpsons’ driving record. Good luck next week against Denver.
Oakland
The Raiders are on their 700th starting quarterback in the last five years, and it’s none other than Matt McGloin? Matt McGloin sounds like a terrible prank call name a middle school kid would come up with. “Who is this? Sure, pal, I bet it’s Matt McGloin. Stop pranking my house or I’ll call the police.” If you’ve forgotten, the Raiders also gave away two first round draft picks for Carson Palmer, who is no longer on the team as well as every player’s firstborn child for Matt Flynn who was working as a server at Fuddruckers in Lexington, Kentucky before the Packers swooped him up after going through 43 other QBs.
Indianapolis
Are the Cardinals this good or is Indianapolis that bad? It’s yet to be seen, but one thing is for sure; Colts’ fans will never stop crying about Reggie Wayne being injured. Sure, it’s a loss, but you have to move on. They’re like that pudgy guy sitting at the end of the bar at 3 p.m. in a high school letterman’s jacket talking about playing for the district title in 1992 then fingering Monica Davenport after the game in the back of his dad’s Ford Explorer. Move on, buddy, you look disgusting and everyone feels sorry for you.
New York Giants
The Cowboys move to 6-5 and finally shut people up on saying the Giants are going to make a run for the playoffs. Every sports show is so desperate to brag about the Jets or the Giants that they come up with these outlandish scenarios where each team is a contender. “Well if Bane from Batman is actually real and blows up the field of 60% of the teams in the league, then the Giants have a real shot at grabbing that last wild card spot. If you’re a Giants fan, there’s still hope!” Just stop. They’ve got as much chance as making the playoffs as David Wilson does of getting a front hug from Tom Coughlin.
Denver
Can we talk about something for just a second? Will someone please get Peyton Manning a bigger helmet so he doesn’t look like he just exited a birth canal after every game? No other player has those weird red marks on their faces every time they take off their helmets. Is it a budget issue? Is he contractually obligated by Papa John to stuff a slice of Papa John’s pizza into his helmet after each quarter? Either way, the Patriots comeback overtime win was huge for all the annoying fans across the country who became the biggest Pats fan after they kept winning championships, and make the Kansas City vs Denver game next week extremely interesting.
Washington
Well this game started out on a weird note, didn’t it? Dan Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, thought it would be a good idea to “honor” four Navajo Indian code breakers from World War 2 and it was as awkward as you’d imagine. It felt like when someone makes a racist joke and then says, “It’s OK, I have a few black friends!” Once the game started it was basically what you’d expect; RG3 running around like the Benny Hill theme music is playing, as the Redskins lose yet another game.
