Well, week 11 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Cleveland
The Browns got back to classic Cleveland football as they allowed four sacks, three interceptions, a deflected punt, a blocked punt, two defensive touchdowns, a drone strike on a non-threatening village, returned all the Christmas gifts purchased for a local orphanage, and bet all the city’s money on the White Sox in the game against the Indians at the end of “Major League 2.” But seriously, Jason Campbell is awful and the back-up is Brandon Weeden whose name I can’t say aloud without audibly laughing.
Tennessee
The Titans have now lost five of their last six games, but it’s almost like no one notices. Has anyone ever seen an actual Titans fan? Are Eddie George and Kerry Collins still there? Aside from fantasy players checking on Chris Johnson or Delanie Walker, the Titans could add in a few extra bye weeks and no one would really mind. “How are the Titans 4-6 at the end of the season?” “Who cares?”
Minnesota
Did anyone really think the Vikings had a prayer against the Seahawks in Seattle? It’s like Minnesota was trying to tackle actual sea hawks. They probably would have had a little more success trying to wrangle birds, as birds wouldn’t have put up 41 points against them and allowed Percy Harvin to gloat in their face about not being on that awful team anymore. I bet if you listened closely after the game, you could hear Adrian Peterson softly whisper, “Take me with you.”
Jacksonville
Welcome back to the bottom of the NFL, Jaguars! I’m actually starting to feel bad making fun of you guys because it’s not fair. The Jags top offensive performer was Danny Noble, whose name sounds like your best friend from 7th grade’s uncle. Noble had 1 catch for 62 yards. That’s not a joke. That’s a real statistic. The second best offensive performer was the peanut vendor who threw a bag of peanuts 15 yards to Greg, a schoolteacher from Orlando. Great game, peanut vendor!
Green Bay
The Giants won their fourth game in a row after an 0-6 start, which wouldn’t mean much, but in the NFC East that puts your right back in the hunt. Can you really be that excited for beating a team led by Scott Tolzien who always looks like he just rolled out of a Hollister? It’s unfortunate that Aaron Rodgers is missing so much time, but at least he has more time to make those State Farm commercials that make me want to shove corn dogs into my eye sockets. No one is going to buy insurance because the chubby guy from Cheers made a hot dog on an airplane. We are legally required to have car insurance. Just say that and enjoy my money.
Washington
Can we all just admit that RG3 is a really fast Matt Leinart? It was really cute when the Redskins made their big run last year to get into the playoffs, especially when they beat Dallas. Who doesn’t love watching Tony Romo walk off the field with his head hung low like he just saw the first half of of “Homeward Bound?” But let’s face it, the Redskins are awful and RG3 is proving that he’s like a Ford Focus; you can go fast at times, but dude, you’re driving a stupid Ford Focus.
Baltimore
This game was delayed so long the officials almost had to roll it over into the Bears’ next game and have all three teams play against each other at once like some sort of WWE Triple Threat match. The game ended up going into overtime because being at the stadium for 13 straight hours didn’t feel like quite enough. Robbie Gould hit the game-winning field goal and Joe Flacco continues to be one of the worst Super Bowl winning quarterbacks in recent memory. Unless Rex Grossman starts a pickup team that wins the championship, Flacco will own that title.
New York Jets
The Jets get destroyed by Cincinnati, beat the Saints, and then get pummeled by the Buffalo Bills? Rex Ryan’s team is more inconsistent than Eli Manning’s breathing patterns. When your team is getting beaten so badly that you decide to pull Geno Smith at the beginning of the fourth because you can’t risk having GENO SMITH get hurt, you know your team is in trouble. Geno Smith is so bad, I wouldn’t even double check to make sure his safety bar is all the way down before he rides a roller coaster. At least you still have Matt Simms to back him up.
Detroit
Big Ben finally had a game this season where he finished with more touchdowns than sexual assault accusations. I hate seeing the Steelers win anything, but completely shutting down Calvin Johnson in the second half is impressive. Just kidding, I still hate your garbage team and your garbage city. If Detroit and Pittsburgh merged together, it would be Gotham City. Let’s hope that never happens.
Atlanta
The Falcons didn’t just lose; they were embarrassed against the Bucs. Tampa, who has now won back-to-back games, played like a team with absolutely nothing to lose. They were going for it on fourth down, faking kicks, and just going nuts all over the field. At one point Tony Dungy played quarterback and two of the receivers were just scarecrows left over from Halloween. Remember when everyone was putting Matt Ryan in the same category as Peyton Manning or Tom Brady? He’s probably closer to this Brady:
San Diego
I guess the Dolphins have found they play much better as a team when Richie Incognito, who looks like a “Family Guy” character, isn’t calling everyone the n-word. Sorry… “allegedly” calling people the n-word on a recorded voicemail that was played on ESPN. My apologies, Richie. The game came down to one final play with Philip Rivers having an opportunity to win it for the Chargers, but just like Dwayne Bowe during a drug test, he failed. The Chargers are now 4-6 as they slip further and further into “playing for draft picks” category.
San Francisco
How ridiculous was that personal foul penalty against the 49ers that allowed the Saints to kick the game winning field goal? Even when Nick Patrick was a referee for the nWo back in the ’90s, he wasn’t making calls like that. I’m not saying the ref was playing favorites, but there were a half dozen plays where he threw a banana peel on the ground like Mario Kart and caused 49ers’ players to fall. At least you still have your awful commercials, Colin Kaepernick. I hope they don’t pay you per touchdown.
Kansas City
I know I’ve made fun of Kansas City a lot and said that the only reason they were winning was because they played terrible opponents. I kept saying that stuff over and over and honestly it was because I was right. Alex Smith is not a stellar quarterback. He can facilitate a game, but that’s about it. He’s like a jacket. A jacket is great if it’s a light, breezy day and you just need a little protection from a gentle wind, but if there’s a blizzard or a serious downpour, you’re screwed. They’ll get another shot at the Broncos in two weeks and maybe by then Jack Del Rio will have completely transformed into a walker from “The Walking Dead,” and not just look like a creepy zombie.
New England
Wow, that felt like a playoff game, didn’t it? I mean it felt like a playoff game in the way that the Patriots blew a game they could have won. The last play will be scrutinized because the ref threw a flag for pass interference, then picked it up, but it was all worth it to see Brady screaming at the refs walking into the tunnel. If you watched closely, Ryan Mallett also ran up to the refs and started yelling. I’m sure the refs would have been much more receptive to his criticism if they had any idea who he was. No one has ever been persuaded by the passionate screams of Ryan Mallett.
