Redskins
RG3 and the gang allowed the Vikings to get their first win of the season that didn’t take place in Austin Powers’ homeland. That’s the first and last Austin Powers reference you will ever read here. If you’re a Redskins fan, don’t worry, they could lose their next five games and probably still have a chance to win that awful division.
Bengals
I make no secrets that I’m a Bengals fan, so this game had my emotions going up and down more than DJ Khaled’s hands. Andy Dalton looked more like Andy Serkis slithering around the field aimlessly letting the ball slip through his hands like a captured rainbow trout.
Despite one of the most bizarre Hail Mary plays you will ever see, the game was a drag to watch for fans of either team because if it wasn’t Dalton on the field, it was Joe “Slide Whistle” Flacco bumbling along or Ray “Do You Have These Pants in a Child’s Size” Rice racking up his two yards per carry. It’s obvious that both teams have some needs that have to be attended to immediately.
Raiders
The Giants get their third straight win after starting 0-6, so instead of ignoring them as their record is now the same as the Raiders or another subpar team, ESPN will be running stories and scenario generators where the Giants win the division and make it to the Super Bowl. What’s that ESPN? Eli Manning went to Super Cuts today? Wow! Thanks for blowing it, Terrelle Pryor. You could have prevented all of this suffering.
Falcons
If you would have told me one year ago today that the Chiefs would be undefeated and the Falcons would be 2-7 I would have laughed at you. If you would have told me the Chiefs would be undefeated and the Falcons would be 2-7 25 years ago I would have thought you were talking about birds, because I was seven years old. Matt Ryan just doesn’t have anyone around him to help out except for Tony Gonzalez, who has come out of games for the following reasons:
– Dementia
– Remembering World War I
– Cataracts
– A sale at CVS
– Cat Funeral
Bills
Bills fans were convinced that EJ Manuel was the answer to their prayers, and I guess he technically is, as long as their prayer was to have a subpar quarterback who cries in the stands after each win. If you don’t remember what I’m talking about, here’s a picture:
With a Steelers and Ravens win, the AFC North becomes a lot closer and awful idiots can spend the week getting their Terrible Towel dry cleaned so it can get covered in cheap beer and hillbilly sweat for their game next week.
Bears
Calvin Johnson is just a beast. No matter what Bear they put on him, he made catches. At one point they put an actual wild bear on him, but after a few unsuccessful maul attempts and an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for eating a jar of honey on the field, he was distracted from salmon swimming upstream and left. To make things even worse for the Bears, Jay Cutler hurt his ankle in the second quarter and by the end of the game was hobbling around in agony like Richie Incognito leaving a Golden Corral.
Packers
The Packers lost Aaron Rodgers, but at least you have a quarterback that can maintain a game in Seneca Wallace. Oh sorry, his groin fell off so the next quarterback on the depth chart is 9-year-old Scott Tolzien. Scott enjoys riding his bike, learning new tricks on his Razr Scooter, and keeping his little sister from coming into his room. They were no match for Nick Foles, who had another amazing week. If there’s any debate over who should be the starting quarterback in Philadelphia, they must have secretly signed Junior Floyd from “The Little Giants” because Foles is owning it.
Texans
Do you realize the Texans and Falcons are tied for the 3rd worst records in the NFL? How do two teams fall apart so quickly? The Texans got even worse news as Arian Foster will miss the rest of the season. Despite the loss, Case Keenum had a solid game with 201 yards and 3 touchdowns. Just a note, Case Keenum was not the host of American Top 40 on the radio. That was Casey Kasem.
Colts
“Hey maybe you should have started Tavon Austin in your fantasy football league this week.” That’s my impression of every fantasy football expert who didn’t see this coming because the only way they could actually predict who’s going to have a good game is if they were wizards. I’m fairly certain Matthew Berry isn’t a wizard. Andrew Luck finished with three interceptions and a fumble, as he was just demolished by the Rams defense. I guess you could say that his LUCK ran out when there was an upgrade in the RAM. Do you get it? RAM, as in computer RAM. It’s a play on words.
Titans
I feel like a proud parent not having to put the Jaguars on the list this week. It’s like Glass Joe finally got a knockout. Do I think the Jaguars season will turn around now? Absolutely not. That’s what makes the Titans’ loss even more embarrassing. This isn’t a team who found the missing piece, they were just less awful than Tennessee this week. Ryan Fitzpatrick took over for Jake Locker but I don’t think anyone noticed. Jack Locker may not have noticed, to be honest.
49ers
The Panthers defense does it again with a huge win over the 49ers. This win was so big, if it were a dinner tab, Richie Incognito would force Jonathan Martin to pay for it. DeAngelo Williams had the lone touchdown of the game, so instead of giving anyone the game ball, they deflated it and let it absorb into Warren Sapp’s upper stomach.
Chargers
Just like in “Major League 2,” a coach inspired his team from a hospital bed. John Fox texted several of his players an encouraging message wishing them good luck. Here’s an exclusive look at the text he sent:
Philip Rivers did have another opportunity to display his lack of running ability. I’m fairly certain he learned his running technique from the first 30 minutes of Forrest Gump, because there’s no way any sort of coach taught him that. It’s like his legs are separate entities from his body and they’re doing everything they can to cease movement. Are his legs filled with mud? I seriously don’t understand how a human being with two complete legs could move that slowly.
Cowboys
Do you realize the Saints had FOURTY first downs in this game? They also had 625 total yards of offense. That’s like one yard for every time Dez Bryant has been a giant baby and openly melted down on the sidelines. That’s one yard for every time Jerry Jones has consumed an entire human child in order to prolong his life by just a matter of minutes. That’s one yard for every time Tony Romo has looked into a mirror to make sure his backwards hat had the logo centered perfectly in the middle of his forehead, because you don’t want your backwards hat to look ridiculous.
Miami
What bet did the NFL lose to have to show the Dolphins and Buccaneers on Monday Night Football? Sure the Richie Incognito story is big news, but unless he was planning on running onto the field and hitting Mike Wallace with a Stone Cold Stunner, allowing Mike Glennon to pin him and get the win, it just doesn’t make sense. The game actually got exciting and now we officially have no teams without a win in the NFL. For less than 24 hours Jacksonville wasn’t the worst team in the league. Welcome back, Jags!
