Well, week 9 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Cincinnati
I’m glad Andy Dalton decided to go as Brandon Weeden for Halloween, as the Bengals completely handed a game to the Dolphins. There couldn’t have been more dropped passes if Jim Abbott was at wide receiver. And having a game end on an overtime safety may be the most deflating way ever to lose a game.
Buffalo
Jeff Tuel won the essay contest and became the Bills’ quarterback this week, and while the Bills came close to knocking off the Chiefs, you can’t throw pick sixes into your own end zone and expect to pull out a win. Next week should be very interesting as the Chiefs take on the Broncos. It’ll either make Chiefs’ fans unbearable, or make those who have hated on the Chiefs for two months intolerable. It’s basically going to be like discussing the end of “Lost” with any white guy.
St. Louis
For some reason this was the featured game at the sports bar I was at, and I couldn’t have been less excited. The biggest highlight of the game wasn’t the two Chris Johnson touchdowns. Can you believe that was the first time he’s scored all year? His uncontrollable twitch-to-score ratio is seriously out of balance this season. The highlight for me was when that stupid Anchorman-themed car commercial came out and two bros laughed hysterically, then high fived. Thanks, Obama!
New Orleans
Is there a more inconsistent team in the NFl than the Jets? How does Cincinnati blow you out last week but then you come in and look dominant against the Saints? I just look forward to New Orleans’ fans arguing about how they’re still the best team in football, because they get so worked up about it and yet no one can understand what their Cajun accent is saying. It’s like when a baby just starts angrily babbling to you. Whatever, Cajun babies.
San Diego
As soon as anyone starts bragging about the Chargers, they go and lose a game like this. There’s no reason the Redskins should be scoring thirty points on you in any situation. If RG3 gets to blindfold all of your defensive players, spin them around five times, and then replace the football with a beach ball, there’s still no reason they should score that many points. I was personally disappointed because I love seeing Mike Shanahan’s face turn the same color as the Applebee’s logo.
Minnesota
If I were the Minnesota Vikings’ parents, I would have a serious talk with them. First of all: Christian Ponder. What is that about? There is no way to win a football game with Christian Ponder. It’s like using an Uno card in Texas Hold ‘Em. Adrian Peterson put up another solid game, but it doesn’t matter when you have the football equivalent of me playing quarterback. See ya in the draft, Minnesota!
Atlanta
Wow, you are not very good at all. I know there’s been a bunch of injuries, but Carolina made you look more like Jacksonville this week. I know Jacksonville is on a bye week, so that’s not really fair, but you can’t discuss the losing teams in football without mentioning The Chad Henne Express. Remember when everyone said Matt Ryan was the next Tom Brady? More like the next…Wayne Brady! I guess he’s going to host daytime game shows. My point is, he’s not very good this season and also that “Let’s Make a Deal” is a delightful show.
Tampa Bay
Tampa looked great for much of the game, but at some point a young boy ran onto the sidelines, like Tiny Tim at the end of A Christmas Carol, and declared, “Don’t forget, you’re the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!” With that, everything fell apart like Josh Freeman’s lease agreement on his Tampa apartment. I wish I could give you a half of a win for trying, but no. You’re still winless.
Oakland
This is a joke, right? Is Nick Foles secretly dying and you guys got in touch with the Make a Wish Foundation to find out his final wish was to throw seven touchdowns in a game? Al Davis was probably rolling over in his grave that he paid way too much for and invested in when it was on the decline, while getting rid of graves that actually had talent.
Pittsburgh
Apparently both defenses were given the night off, as the Steelers and Patriots combined for 86 points. That means there was a point scored for every time Eli Manning was yelled at for trying to eat the stuffing out of the bears at Build-A-Bear Workshop during his bye week. Pittsburgh now holds a firm grasps on the bottom of the division and with a very difficult schedule ahead, Big Ben is going to be seeing a lot of people on top of him. That’s a sack reference, not an assault reference.
Baltimore
A year ago, do you think Baltimore fans would have thought they would be 3-5, third in the division, and looking up at the Cleveland Browns? I bet Ray Lewis would have not murdered dozens of people. He would have gone on a full-fledged not murder spree. You would have seen his face all over every television warning you of what a dangerous not murderer he is. It was funny when Brandon Weeden came in for just a few snaps. It was like if you had to go to the bathroom and you let your little brother take over for you on Madden. “What button spins?” he asks. That’s Brandon Weeden football.
Green Bay
The fans got the quarterback matchup they had been dreaming about for months; Josh McCown vs Seneca Wallace! It was everything you’d dream of a Josh/Seneca battle, with lots of running plays and incomplete passes. I knew Aaron Rodgers’ injury was serious when Jon Gruden’s hair was at half mast. With Chicago winning, there is now a three-way tie for first in the NFC North, leaving only Minnesota alone in last place. Let’s hope Aaron Rodgers gets healthy enough to make a new State Farm commercial so I don’t have to see the one with George Wendt on it anymore.
If you’re tired of your team losing, check out NFL Teams You Should Root For Now That Your Team Sucks.
