One of the most popular shows in MTV’s current lineup is “Catfish.” If you’ve never watched it, you seriously owe it to yourself to watch at least one episode. The basic concept is that someone has started an online relationship with a person they’ve never met and they keep trying to meet their Internet love, but it never works out. Instead of just cutting off the relationship, they bring in the help of these guys:
That’s Nev and Max, armed with a laptop and one of those cameras that Ashton Kutcher used to peddle. You might think that they’re experts in checking backgrounds or tracking down missing people, but you’d be wrong. They made a “documentary” where Nev supposedly got the catfish treatment himself and that qualified him as an expert in the field, somehow.
If you are in or thinking of ever being in an online relationship, I’m going to save you a lot of time and embarrassment from being on national television looking like an idiot. Here’s a simple guide to avoid being catfished on the internet.
STEP 1.) Go to www.google.com.
STEP 2.) Type in your love interest’s name.
STEP 3.) Look at the results.
Is it the same person you’ve been talking to for the last few months? No? THEN, IT’S NOT THEM!
Why would you think this super hot guy or girl posts modeling pictures of themselves on Facebook but refuses to show their face on Skype? Are you serious?
Let me put this to the test. I’m going to Google my name and see what happens:
Wow! Pictures of me! Also there’s a picture of Yvonne Strahovski for some reason, so I’m going to assume it’s because she’s trying to date me again. Take the hint, Yvonne: I’m not interested.
If you watch an episode of “Catfish,” it’s not like they’re contacting the guys on “Enemy of the State” to track down Gene Hackman. They use Google!
How have you guys never heard of Snapchat? My idiot friends send me pictures of themselves, several times per day; photos of them eating chips or sitting on the toilet, or eating chips while sitting on the toilet and I don’t even ask for those. What happened when you and your “love interest” were exchanging pictures? I would find it highly suspicious if I sent this:
and, in return, got this:
Here are the questions that are raised from my photo:
- Is he the incredibly attractive one on the left or Cyclops from X-Men?
- Is he friends with Cyclops?
- Is that the real Cyclops??
- Are they going to make another X-Men movie?
Here are the questions that are raised from the picture I received:
- Uh, what are you?
- Is this a human?
- Do you have arms? A head? Anything below the torso?
After a few exchanges like this, why would I possibly want to stick around? Some of the people on the show have been in a relationship for years … YEARS with this person and they’ve never met or seen a candid picture. “The Man in the Iron Mask” provided more pictures of his face than these people. Maybe a good rule to have for yourself is, “Don’t fall in love with someone who refuses to show his or her face.”
If you have to get to the point where you’re calling the show “Catfish” to help you meet, I think we all know how it’s going to turn out. No one has ever met up online and it turned out they were just so hot that they didn’t want the other person to simply fall in love with their looks and not their personality.
Most of them turn out looking like the 1986 movie “Troll”:
If someone refuses to meet you, see you, talk to you or exchange oil-painted self-portraits with you, odds are they’re lying about everything and they look like a goblin. Do yourself a favor and move on instead of reliving your shame every week on MTV reruns.
