With the NFL season reaching its midpoint, it becomes clear which teams have a shot at the playoffs and which ones are beginning to plan for next season. While there are a few surprises this season, most of the teams we expected are holding strong in their usual spots at the bottom. We know how difficult it is to watch your team struggle, so we’ve put together a handy guide to help you find a proxy team for the remainder of the season. You’re welcome and…enjoy your new team!
Who Your Team Is: Baltimore Ravens
Who You Should Root For Now: Kansas City Chiefs
If you’re in Baltimore, then you’re going to stick by the Ravens and hope they can squeeze out a wildcard birth. For all of you that jumped on the bandwagon after they won the Super Bowl, congratulations, you’re team is terrible. If you’re an average bandwagon fan, then you’ve probably already traded in that Ray Rice jersey for a Peyton Manning one, but might I suggest the Kansas City Chiefs? They’ve come out of nowhere to an undefeated start and, while you probably can’t name their quarterback, you’ll love jumping on another winning team. Go sports!
Who Your Team Is: New York Giants
Who You Should Root For Now: Indianapolis Colts
The Giants are the biggest surprise this season and while everyone pretends to be excited that they have a win over Minnesota, (hahaha) let’s be honest, their season is done. Why not jump on the backs of the Colts for the rest of the year? They have a solid team top to bottom and they knocked off Peyton Manning last week, so that should get any Eli Manning fans excited. Also, their quarterback looks like he ate a jar of marbles, so you’ll feel right at home watching him in postgame interviews.
Who Your Team Is: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Who You Should Root For Now: Miami Dolphins
To say Tampa Bay is struggling would be like saying “Grown Ups 2” has its funny moments: an egregious lie. Both Tampa and “Grown Ups 2” feature a bunch of idiots running around with no real goal in mind, while a confused and disappointed crowd stares on in agony. At least they haven’t signed Kevin James…yet. You’d might as well start cheering for Miami since they’re just a few hours drive and a few hits of ecstasy away. At least Josh Freeman isn’t there!
Who Your Team Is: Atlanta Falcons
Who You Should Root For Now: Cincinnati Bengals
Injuries have demolished the Falcons this year. One of the most prolific offenses in the league has been reduced to mediocre in just a few weeks. If you’re tired of seeing your Falcons unable to make those big passes without Julio Jones or explosive runs without Steven Jackson, try the Cincinnati Bengals. Andy Dalton has been on fire recently and AJ Green catches anything thrown within a 2-mile radius. Plus, Giovani Bernard has been providing a much needed change of pace from Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis who has more names than a petition to force Bruno Mars to throw all of his stupid hats into a bonfire.
Who Your Team Is: Cleveland Browns
Who You Should Root For Now: Detroit Lions
Remember when there was that glimmer of hope for the Browns as Brian Hoyer was playing like a normal quarterback? Well, the Browns lost Hoyer, and I believe Brandon Weeden is now collecting social security, so enter Jason Campbell. Campbell can facilitate a game, but you’re not going to win with him without a running game. Luckily you have Trent Richa- oh wait, nevermind. Since you’re not going to cheer for Cincinnati, you can always pick up the Lions. Calvin Johnson is capable of some of the most incredible plays you’ll see on a Sunday, plus the city is a functioning sewer so you’ll feel like you live in a tropical paradise in comparison.
Who Your Team Is: Oakland Raiders
Who You Should Root For Now: Carolina Panthers
There aren’t exactly geographical reasons to make the switch from Oakland to Carolina, but the Panthers are quietly becoming a dominant defense, something Raiders fans have missed for years. If you saw their game against St. Louis in week 7, then you’ve seen their toughness and willingness to get into some pushing and shoving if necessary. They’re basically a Raiders team in different colors.
Who Your Team Is: Arizona Cardinals
Who You Should Root For Now: Green Bay Packers
I truly feel sorry for Larry Fitzgerald. I know he’s making more money than that kid in “Blank Check,” but still, can you imagine what he could do with a competent quarterback? If you’re tired of watching Carson “I Thought He Was Open” Palmer throw interception after interception, jump over to Green Bay and watch one of the most prolific field operators in the game. If you’re a Chicago fan, continue to hate Green Bay and stick by your team. Remember, you still have Forte and Brandon Marshall. Right? If you’re a Cardinals fan, it’s OK to cheat on them just a little.
Who Your Team Is: Houston Texans
Who You Should Root For Now: New Orleans Saints
Houston fans don’t deserve much after cheering for Matt Schaub’s injury, but if you have to pick someone else, go with New Orleans. They’re winning and their quarterback plays at an insane level so you’ll have nothing to boo, unless his arm falls off again like it did in San Diego. If you’re thinking of sticking by the Texans, need I remind you that they’ve already gone past TJ Yates on the quarterback depth chart. They’re a torn ACL from giving Joey Harrington a phone call.
Who Your Team Is: Jacksonville Jaguars
Who You Should Root For Now: University of Louisville
I honestly can’t make fun of the Jaguars anymore because it’s gone from being fun to downright sad. It’s like throwing trash at those guys the Harlem Globetrotters beat up on in scrimmage games. You obviously have nothing to cheer for, so you can start watching on Saturdays instead and begin getting acquainted with your new quarterback, Teddy Bridgewater from the University of Louisville. Unless the Jags bring in Tebow as nothing more than a novelty, this season will go down as one of the most boring and unexciting for any franchise.
Who Your Team Is: Pittsburgh Steelers
Who You Should Root For Now: No One
Oh the Steelers are terrible this year? What are all of you awful fans around the country going to do with those obnoxious “Terrible Towels” you’ve purchased on eBay? I look forward to many more losses throughout this season and I offer you no advice for someone else to cheer for. Why don’t you just watch old tapes of when they were good since you have to constantly remind everyone of the days of the Steel Curtain. By the way, your quarterback is a cretin and Hines Ward still looks like a wet beaver.
