Well, week 8 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Washington
It was cute when Washington was winning there for a few minutes, wasn’t it? RG3 was tossed around like Verne Troyer at a Foo Fighters concert. This entire division is just painfully bad. I’m sure Washington fans will say they had a chance. They’re like if a guy told you he had PTSD from playing Call of Duty all the time. I’m not buying it.
New York Jets
There are few things that make me laugh as much as seeing a Rex Ryan team get absolutely demolished. I guess Geno Smith decided to go as Joey Harrington for Halloween because he was throwing pick sixes all over the place. By the end of the game and Marvin Jones’ touchdown spree, Rex Ryan had shriveled back into a mutant worm and placed back into his storage jar where he feasts on small insects and trash.
Buffalo
The Bills should have known it wasn’t going to be a good day when Thad Lewis got speared on their first offensive play and fumbled the ball. It looked like Goldberg going up against a bag of socks. Believe it or not it actually got worse from there. The Bills drop to 3-5 and with the Chiefs coming to town next week the Bills have as much of a chance at the playoffs as Dana from “Homeland” in a Not Annoying Contest.
Philadelphia
The Giants bored their way to a second straight victory and are now only 2 games out of first place in the division. That is not a typo. I haven’t seen a more boring series of kicks lead to a victory since my cousin beat me in Street Fighter 2 by just pressing the B button over and over with Chun-Li and getting a perfect score against me. Michael Vick did get to play for about 36 seconds in this game so congrats to all of the fantasy owners that decided to start him.
Miami
The Dolphins were up 17-3 at halftime with Brady looking like Heath Shuler and they still managed to blow it. Can you really be excited about Ryan Tannehill if you’re a Dolphins fan? I mean he’s not bad, but he’s not going to do anything special. He’s like a Ford Fiesta. I’m just glad we’ve now entered the part of the NFL season known as Adorable Tom Brady Hat Month. You look at darling as ever, Thomas.
Dallas
Oh Dez Bryant, you giant infant. The Cowboys lost a fantastic game that was shockingly not ruined by Tony Romo. Calvin Johnson picked up more yards than a groundskeeper that mated with a spider so it could cut four lawns at once. Matt Stafford finished off the game by pretending to spike the ball on the one-yard line, but instead running it in for the touchdown. He tried to explain his thought process after the game but you’d have a better chance of watching “Duck Dynasty” without closed captioning than understanding what Stafford was bumbling through in that interview. Seriously though, I hope Dez Bryant is dealt with swiftly. It doesn’t matter how talented you are, no one is a permanent fixture. Just ask Peyton Hillis about it.
Cleveland
Oh look, the Chiefs squeak by another subpar team. I know it’s not their fault and they didn’t make their schedule but crowning them as the darling of the NFL is a little abrupt. They’ve done what they’re supposed to do, but wake me up when a Jason Campbell led team doesn’t push them to the limit and lose by less than a touchdown. Their opponent’s combined record is 20-41 so excuse me if I’m not buying an NFL licensed Alex Smith jersey when they beat the football equivalent of the Golem Boss from Chrono Trigger. (That may be the nerdiest thing I’ve ever written)
Jacksonville
I like that we gave London a taste of what real NFL football is like by shipping them an extra large serving of Chad Henne. The 49ers did exactly what you’d expect, as they dismantled the Jaguars like a drunk guy in a clock shop with a screwdriver. Is that a saying? I don’t want to make fun of the Jaguars anymore because it kind of makes me sad. I’m praying for you, Jags.
Pittsburgh
In the battle of the two teams with the worst fans in the NFL, the Raiders came out on top highlighted by a 93-yard run by quarterback Terrelle Pryor. Do you realize how crazy it is for a quarterback to get a 93-yard run? Philip Rivers can’t even spell 93 (He included a % in it for some reason). It’s weird, I don’t hear as many obnoxious Steelers fans at the sports bars lately. I really think I dislike bandwagon fans more than convicted criminals. Or if you’re a Steelers fan, you’re both.
Minnesota
Having Adrian Peterson on this awful team is like covering a filet mignon in Christian Ponder. You can’t be upset with him for not having a huge year when every defensive player zones in on him. They can leave receivers completely uncovered and Ponder is still going to throw it so far over their head that Manute Bol would have to look up to see the ball sail past. I hope Josh Freeman has some money invested in high yielding stocks and bonds because his NFL career is ending quicker than an Eli Manning staring contest with the sun.
St. Louis
For a while in this game the most exciting thing was trying to figure out what type of animal hair Jon Gruden’s Dennis the Menace-style hair was made from and why he looks like a grown toddler. The first quarter ended with Seattle accumulating -1 yards of total offense, and while they continually sacked Russell Wilson, the St. Louis offense just couldn’t do anything with their opportunities. Golden Tate did have a big touchdown, but if you’re a Seattle fan it was hard to cheer him on as he basically taunted the defender like Nelson from The Simpsons. The game came down to one last play for St. Louis on the 1 yard line and Kellen Clemens threw what looked like a hook shot 4 feet over everyone’s head. The Rams lose another one. Also I’m pretty sure everyone has an uncle who looks exactly like Jeff Fisher. Nice goatee, guy.
