Well, week 7 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Jacksonville
I tried to actually watch some of the Jaguars game. I really did. I tried to find some sort of bright spot in this garbage team. I guess Justin Blackmon is something to be excited about, but it doesn’t matter how great your receiver is if you have no one to throw it to him. They’re the football equivalent of those awful Halloween candies that terrible parents give out with the orange and black unlabeled wrappers. It’s like a wad of molasses mixed with poverty. No one is excited about those stupid things and no one is excited about Jacksonville football. No one.
Detroit
Despite Calvin Johnson having a monster game, including a touchdown reception over THREE Bengals defenders, the Lions lost because of the most unsuspecting player: the punter. With the game tied and less than a minute remaining, the Lions were forced to punt the ball. Normally this isn’t a problem but punter Sam Martin decided to kick the ball like The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels doing sweet chin music. The punt went a mere 25 yards which is great if you’re a 40 year old man doing one of those punt, pass, and kick contests, but not a professional punter. Bengals win and Detroit fans try to rush home before being murdered after the sun goes down. That city is basically Gotham with worse weather.
Miami
Do you realize Miami is the only team in the state of Florida with a professional football win this year? I know the Dolphins lost, but the real losers are all the fantasy owners who took CJ Spiller in the first 10 draft picks. Great game, pal. He had 11 yards rushing and -4 yards receiving, which is worse than what Philip Rivers had on the ground and that guy couldn’t outrun a zombie on “The Walking Dead.” Yes I know they call them walkers but they also allow Carl to wear that stupid hat so they can’t tell me what to do. It should be interesting to see what the Dolphins do never, because they are an uninteresting team.
New England
I’m sure Patriots fans are ready to complain about that overtime penalty call when Chris Jones got behind a teammate and formed a human centipede of defense to try and block a Nick Folk field goal. The deal is, if it was a penalty called on the Jets you’d say, “Well that’s what you get for not knowing the playbook! How great was ‘The Town,’ by the way?” Then you would go on and on about what a genius Bill Belichick is and how he knows everything about football. I’d bet money he knew that rule and still suggested trying to get away with it. Even if you don’t believe that, if you’re such a great team, then why are you even in the position to lose a game to the Jets in overtime? I know you all think Tom Brady is a human angel, but maybe they’re just a decent team and not as great as you think.
Philadelphia
At halftime the score against Dallas was 3-0. This isn’t a baseball game, either. Romo snoozed his way to victory in a defensive battle that saw Matt Barkley take the helm of the Eagles and do absolutely nothing. It’ll be interesting to see who their quarterback is next week, but it’ll be more interesting to see how Matt Barkely enjoys his job at AutoZone in a month when he’s out of the NFL.
Chicago
Remember when Chicago had such a feared defense that struck fear into the hearts of quarterbacks? This week they allowed 45 points by the terrible Washington Redskins. Jay Cutler left the game with a groin injury, which has to be embarrassing. “Sorry guys, I can’t go out tonight. My groin is all banged up. You heard me right, despite my groin being worked on by a team of trainers, it is not working. I may not be able to have children as a result of my groin injury.” I don’t see how you could be excited as a Bears fan when RG3’s rubber legs put up 45 points against you, but your local pizza is delicious if that’s any condolence?
St. Louis
Was this a game or a prison riot? It seemed like there was a fight after almost every play and at one point I’m 75% sure Razor Ramon hit Sam Bradford with a steel chair. I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly sure Bradford’s knee fell off and that will not be good for the rest of his season. Meanwhile Carolina’s Steve Smith kept running around and getting in fights with everyone on the Rams team forgetting that he’s 4’8 and 90 lbs. He would instigate, then as soon as a defender would respond he would run to an official and tell on them. Remember Chris Tucker in “Friday?” Basically that.
Baltimore
In the battle of Baltimore and Pittsburgh aka the two teams I wish would sink into the depths of the deepest ocean, Pittsburgh was the victor. The Steelers clearly aren’t good, which shows you how far the Super Bowl champ Ravens have fallen. I’m worried about Ravens’ bandwagon fans who jumped on after the Super Bowl victory last year. Is there an exchange program where they can swap out their Ravens merchandise for whoever is winning this year? Keep those awful fans in your prayers.
Arizona
The Seahawks have a swarming defense and Carson Palmer throws interceptions with the frequency of Groupon sending out emails reminding you that they still offer huge savings on teeth whitening. Who buys that on Groupon? After the game, Palmer said, “We needed to be great, and we were not great today.” News flash, Carson; you guys have never been great and you probably never will be great. You’re a mediocre team with occasional moments of being competitive. The Cardinals are like Don Flamingo on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. They’re going to lose most of the time, but every once in a while they’ll get a few lucky punches in or your little brother will accidentally unplug the controller and they’ll get a cheap win. That’s it, Arizona. That’s all you have.
Tennessee
The Titans were doomed from the opening kickoff as they tried to rely on the crippled leg of Jake Locker. He had the leg flexibility of those weird nutcracker figures your mom decorates her front door with at Christmas. Chris Johnson did have one big play, which will help him sell a few more pairs of his awful shoes, but other than that the best thing about Tennessee is the Arrested Development song from the ’90s. Even it wasn’t as good as Mr. Wendal.
Houston
The Texans lost both of their running backs in this game, so they were on their third quarterback and a fullback lining up behind center. I feel bad for their team, but the less their awful fans have to cheer for, the better. After cheering the Matt Schaub injury I hope Dwight Howard quits on the Rockets as well. I’m just going to assume all of Houston is terrible. Can I do that?
Cleveland
It says a lot when people were looking at the Browns as a contender for the division when Brian Hoyer was the quarterback, but once Brandon Weeden comes back in, they go back to the joke of the league. Weeden plays like that kid that your parents made you hang out with and sucked at everything, but you couldn’t be mean to him because your dad worked with his dad, so they’re hoping by you befriending him dad will get that big promotion at work. Sorry dad, not even enough money to add a hot tub would be worth hanging out with this dork. The good thing for Cleveland is that Brandon Weeden was 67 when he entered the league so he should be retiring within the next two years.
Denver
Finally, the Broncos find themselves in a losing position. Peyton returned to Indianapolis since being let go in favor of Andrew Luck. Peyton has dominated Luck in every statistical category over the past two years except for “Times breathing through nostrils” and “Not looking like a human egg.” It was bound to happen at some point, but expect Denver to win a bunch of regular season games then blow it in the playoffs. Seriously, was there a carbon monoxide leak in the Manning house when Peyton and Eli were growing up? Sure they’re great quarterbacks, but I’m betting “books” isn’t something either of them has ever enjoyed/experienced.
Minnesota
When the NFL was making the schedule for this season and the Monday Night Football games were being chosen I bet they thought this was going to be a stellar matchup. Roger Goodell was rolling over in his grave tonight as the winless Giants bumbled to their first victory thanks to a Josh Freeman-led Vikings team in what may have been the worst football game I’ve ever seen. Somewhere Vince McMahon is punching a hole in his TV wondering how his XFL died so quickly and yet this game had 40 billion viewers. I don’t know if the Giants can really celebrate this as a win. It’s like if two people were racing on hang gliders and both of their harnesses broke causing them to plummet to their deaths. One guy technically landed first and won the race. That’s what this win was for the Giants. They died in slightly better fashion than Minnesota.
