Well, week 4 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
St. Louis Rams
Everyone thought San Francisco’s defense would struggle in this game since they were plagued with injuries. Apparently Sam Bradford and company didn’t get that memo, as the Rams yardage total was less than Bernie Madoff’s credit score. At one point the St. Louis fans starting chanting “Low Winter Sun” in hope of the teams ending the game and just watching an episode of that terrible show instead. The Rams proved, once again, they’re the worst product of St. Louis since Nelly’s band-aid.
New York Giants
What is going on with Kansas City and what on earth happened to the Giants? If you’re feeling down today just realize that you have as many NFL wins this season as Eli Manning. You’ve also never had your head stuck in a toaster oven so that’s probably another thing you have on Eli. You have to give it to the Chiefs who are off to a great start, but it can’t last, right? Are the Chiefs for real? Can they make the playoffs? Should Eli Manning be allowed to operate a vehicle? Unfortunately, no one can answer any of those questions.
Pittsburgh Steelers
The NFL made most of our football dreams come true by sending the Steelers as far away as possible. The fans in London got to enjoy watching Adrian Peterson run all over the place while the streets of America were safe from the drunken advances of Ben “That’s Not My DNA” Roethlisberger. The Steelers are at the bottom of the AFC North and should probably get comfortable there because with Cleveland not looking horrible, the Steel Curtain has been replaced with Brown mini-blinds. Does that metaphor make sense? I was going somewhere with that and it just fell apart. The Steelers are bad. That’s my point.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Just stop playing football and let all the fans come out to the field to watch movies on your screens. You could have a bigger response for a “Die Hard” marathon than you would for another Blaine Gabbert suck fest. At least bring in Tebow so the fans can have something to enjoy. The Jags look like a decent college team at this point.
Houston Texans
I was ready to write about how Seattle has finally come back down to earth after a tough Texans defense only allowed 3 points and the Shaub & Foster combo had their way with Seattle’s defense. Suddenly the Seahawks rally and Houston falls apart like every chair a fat guy has ever sat on in “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” The only thing missing was Bob Saget doing one of his four amazing characters including squeaky voice guy, slightly more squeaky voice guy, deep voice guy, and, my favorite, horny deep voice guy. Great job by Kareem Jackson to hit Doug Baldwin with The Rock Bottom in overtime to make sure Seattle is in field goal range, by the way. You win the WWE Intercontinental Title, Kareem. There’s no reason the Seahawks shouldn’t be in the Super Bowl this year.
Chicago Bears
While this is only the first loss for the Bears, it’s safe to say the dominant Chicago defense is a thing of the past. They’ve allowed 114 points in four games so there’s no way Cutler can keep putting up enough offense to offset those massive numbers. The Lions and Bears are now 3-1 in a tight division, which is going to lead analysts and experts to say things like “There’s still a lot of football to be played” and “Anything can happen out there on the field.” Really looking forward to that!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Out with Josh Freeman, in with Mike Glennon? I guess Tampa figured it couldn’t be any worse as they started the rookie quarterback whose name just sounds like a descendant of Rick Mirer or Heath Shuler. Tampa led most of the way in this 13-10 juggernaut, but couldn’t get the job done in a game that should have only aired in prisons as punishment for bad behavior. By the way, great call having a rookie quarterback throwing non-stop with the lead in the 4th quarter, Coach Schiano. Maybe it’s not Josh Freeman, who wasn’t even allowed on the sidelines. I’m fairly certain I have a better chance of throwing a football to a Bucs receiver than Freeman.
Cincinnati Bengals
Combining an emerging Browns’ team with an injury depleted Bengals secondary did not pan out well for Cincinnati. Maybe it’s time to part ways with Adam “Make it Clap” Jones who was arrested for the 914th time this week. Andy Dalton looked more like Fred Dalton Thompson (the old guy from “Law & Order”) as the same team some picked to go to the Super Bowl looked like a Lane Kiffin team. Also, since the Bengals are my team, everyone send me angry texts when they lose. Do you think I enjoy it or had anything to do with it? I’m not calling their plays. Please don’t scream at me. Thanks.
Atlanta Falcons
I had to DVR the Falcons/Patriots game because I was watching “Breaking Bad” like every decent human being should have been doing. It looked good for them at first, but by the end it was a complete massacre. Here’s the thing, am I talking about “Breaking Bad” or the Falcons? Wow! What a twist! Seriously though, it was a great game but when it comes down to a clutch situation you want Brady at the helm over Matt Ryan any day. If this game took place on “Breaking Bad,” Brady is the blue meth, and Matt Ryan is a really high quality can of skoal.
Baltimore Ravens
It’s hard to believe that Joe Flacco was named MVP of the Super Bowl last year. If EJ Manuel decided to jump into the crowd and hug his dad every time Flacco threw an interception, his dad would need a giant Baby Bjorn, as Flacco slung out 5 interceptions. He had two touchdowns, but it won’t matter as long as you have to throw away more balls than a disgruntled Spalding employee. Great job by Ray Rice as well. 17 yards. That wasn’t his longest run. That was his total. I’ve eaten more Fruit by the Foot in one sitting than what Rice ran for today. If anyone would like to bet on Baltimore making it back to the Super Bowl, I would love to take your money.
New York Jets
The most hilarious part of their blowout against Tennessee is that after it was over, Rex Ryan said he would consider a quarterback change. Here’s an idea, how about a coaching change? Every aspect of the Jets organization is a mess. I would say give Mark Sanchez and Geno Smith jobs in concession, but you’d have people complaining about vendors tossing bags of peanuts three feet over their heads. I don’t know how, but if Geno Smith were walking through the stands selling hot dogs, he would find a way to get sacked. By the way, if they bring back Tebow that’s the final sign of the apocalypse and the earth will collapse upon itself.
Oakland Raiders
What a terrible game. You know your offense is bad if you actually made Washington’s defense look powerful. The last three weeks the Redskins’ secondary has had more holes than Matt Damon at the end of “The Departed” (Spoiler alert from seven years ago) and the front line could only be described as “not bad.” Before Washington fans get too excited, you beat an awful Raiders team that was missing its starting quarterback and both running backs. It’s basically like beating Shaq in a “let’s see who can be the shortest” competition. You won, but is that really anything to brag about? You’re still short and ugly. That’s you, Redskins defense, short and ugly.
Philadelphia Eagles
If you were looking for a defensive battle, this was not the game for you. The Eagles are like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese playing Wack-a-Mole and just going nuts. They’re smacking that hammer as hard and fast as possible with no real strategy, but can put up some points just from velocity alone. That works sometimes. The Eagles were up against Peyton Manning, who is like the guy that built the Wack-a-Mole game so he doesn’t even break a sweat and breaks every high score record causing so many tickets to come out of the machine that he can trade them in for a Sega Dreamcast. Chuck E. Cheese seriously needs to update its prizes. Peyton is simply unstoppable right now. It’s not that the Eagles were necessarily bad, they had over 400 yards of offense, but no matter what you do, Peyton is doing it better.
Dallas Cowboys
Who woke up Philip Rivers? The former doorstop had his 2nd 400-yard passing game of the season and was described by many as “not a terrible as usual.” Dallas pulled out to a lead early with Sean Lee generating more points than the last 4 Jacksonville Jaguars games with an interception return put them up 21-10. Unfortunately for the Cowboys they didn’t score another point. If only Dallas could have a game as big as Jerry Jones’ ego. Can you imagine Jerry Jones and Kanye West in the same room? They would start to merge into a single being like that scene in “Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows” where Voldemort and Harry blend together. You didn’t see this recap going in that direction did you?
Miami Dolphins
You know there were countless fantasy football players who had a massive lead after Sunday and thought, “Hey, maybe this Miami defense can shut down Drew Brees and I’ll have a win!” No luck for you, pal. Drew Brees and Darren Sproles put up more points than Aaron Hernandez has on his license. They do count murder as a violation on your license, right? Miami can’t be too upset, as they’re 3-1 after the first quarter of the season. It’s safe to say that the worst thing that’s happened in Miami this year so far is the Dexter series finale.
