Now that the regrettable, asterisks-laden 2012-2013 semi-season is behind us, we can get back to a good, old-fashioned NHL regular season that will go on forever. So we can forget about those pretenders who reaped the benefits of a short season and went on improbable Cup runs (Chicago) and focus on the really substantial teams (er, like Chicago). We’ll also take a little time trying to figure out in which language the new division names make any sort of sense at all (the “Metropolitan” division…which includes Carolina and Columbus?). But more importantly, we’ll give you some prime fodder for talking trash to that guy in Seat 12 who won’t sit down.
ANAHEIM DUCKS
The first team to bring a Cup to SoCal is coming off a solid regular season but a first round playoff bounce in a hard-fought 7 game series with the Red Wings. But, hey, 43-year-old living legend Teemu Selanne is coming back for another season!
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Trading dynamic young American goal-scorer Bobby Ryan to Ottawa and planning to replace him with former Duck and L.A. King Dustin Penner – a man who was once injured while eating pancakes.
Most Hateable Player: Corey Perry. A former 50 goal-scorer insists on playing more like a fourth-line pest – hacking, slashing, and generally getting in the face of everyone he plays against. If the Ducks were an 80s movie, he’d be played by Billy Zabka.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “So, wait, do you guys still play home games in Space Mountain?”
ARIZONA COYOTES
Thanks to a last-minute rescue by new owners and state government officials, the Phoenix Coyotes are staying put in the desert but you will now be forced to ignore them as the ARIZONA Coyotes.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Staying in Arizona. Sorry, Quebec and Seattle and all the other places that actually watch hockey and want a team!
Most Hateable Player: Whoa, baby steps. We’re still working on “Name a player. Any player.” Let’s go with Shane Doan because, well, he’s good and insists on staying in Arizona and that’s gotta be bad for hockey.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “You guys still have a team?”
BOSTON BRUINS
Despite dumping 2011 playoff hero Tim “Tea Party Tim” Thomas and having fan favorite power forward Milan Lucic start off the season in Jim Belushi shape, the Bruins still made it all the way to the Final before losing to Chicago.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Trading noted party monster Tyler Seguin (a former #2 overall draft pick) and a few others to the Dallas Stars for underrated goal scorer Loui Eriksson allegedly because Seguin’s ways had become “a distraction.” That sound you hear is a million Southie girls trying to figure out what to do with these brand new “Seguin” jerseys (and paternity suits).
Most Hateable Player: Brad Marchand (below). Opposing fans hate him because he plays cheap and dirty. Home fans hate him because he disappeared in the playoffs faster than Tyler Seguin’s shirt at a nightclub.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Despite all the back-patting and feel-gooding, there’s no getting around that Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs is a greedy old miser who basically kept the lockout going when he wasn’t busy plotting to blot out the sun.
BUFFALO SABRES
The Arizona Coyotes of the East have no discernable personality, which is not surprising considering they hold the league record for most uniform changes (with this season’s the ugliest yet!)
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Doing…nothing. Like, at all. Thomas Vanek and Ryan Miller want to leave town so badly they’re going to wear their agents’ contact information on the back of their jerseys in lieu of numbers this year.
Most Hateable Player: Ryan Miller. He’s a great goalie, but the biggest crybaby in the league. He’ll show up in the comments section after this article, count on it.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “It’s ironic that a team from Buffalo doesn’t have any decent wings.”
CALGARY FLAMES
Brace yourselves, Flame Fan (not a typo), because things are about to get a whole lot worse for a team that can’t even be the best team in Alberta.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Calgary’s Saddledome was severely damaged when massive flooding hit Alberta, which isn’t the Flames’ fault but it does kind of reinforce their whole sad-sack, Charlie Brown, “why’s everybody always picking on me?” vibe.
Most Hateable Player: It’s hard to rouse enough ire to hate anyone on this team, seeing as they’re already saddled with playing in Calgary. What the hell, let’s say Sven Baertschi, because he’s going to be really good and will likely bolt the team the first chance he gets.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Again, when you have no strengths…
CAROLINA HURRICANES
By being consistently semi-decent, the Carolina Hurricanes single-handedly keep the idea of southern hockey alive and well.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Not signing the Rangers’ Marc Staal and thereby putting together a complete set of Staals (they currently have Eric, Jordan, and Jared).
Most Hateable Player: Jeff Skinner, because he’s cultivated a Justin Bieber-level mania among young female ‘Canes fans and that’s just irritating.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: They will always be second fiddle to NASCAR
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
The reigning champs have retained the core players that helped earn them two Stanley Cups in the last four years (captain Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Marian Hossa, Patrick Sharp, and Duncan Keith) and don’t appear to be slowing down.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Signing goalie Corey Crawford to a six year, multi-million dollar deal. Sure, he won them a Cup last season, but this has “regrettable contract” written all over it. Especially when new regulations are limiting the size of goalie equipment this year – meaning Crawford can no longer wear those pads that come up to his chin.
Most Hateable Player: Patrick Kane. He’ll swoop into town chewing his mouthpiece like an 11 year-old rink rat, score four goals on you, then hit on your daughter.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Your biggest fans are the stars of “The Dilemma.”
COLORADO AVALANCHE
The once formidable team has been slowly amassing young talent, but is still a few years away from making much noise in the west.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Hiring goaltending legend Patrick Roy as the new head coach. Not only does he have zero experience coaching at the NHL level, he’s renowned as a prickly primadonna who may not play well with player personnel head (and former teammate) Joe Sakic. They also passed on drafting defenseman Seth Jones with the #1 pick, which may prove to be a mistake because 1) Jones is going to be really good 2) Colorado desperately needs help on the blue line and 3) Jones’ favorite team growing up was Colorado, oh, and 4) Nashville got him, which means the Avs will be seeing a LOT of Jones.
Most Hateable Player: Ryan O’Reilly, because he pulled the ol’ “I’ll take my ball and go home” schtick while trying to wring a new contract out of the Avs, and he didn’t have the resume or the Russian background to be trying that crap.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: The last time they were anywhere near a Cup, their current front office was on the ice.
COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS
When the Jackets finally parted ways with face-of-the-franchise Rick Nash, it was seen by some as the team finally admitting that it needed to strip down and start again. Not so, as former Philadelphia back-up Sergei Bobrovsky turned out to have a Vezina-caliber season in him, getting the BJ’s to within a Russian pubic hair of a playoff berth. But if any team knows what it’s like to have a goalie light up the league for one season and then come toppling back to earth, it’s Columbus…(*cough, cough* Steve Mason *cough, cough*)
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Nathan Horton delivering the ultimate backhanded compliment to his new team, saying he chose the Jackets because he wanted to play somewhere a little “quieter.” Because, man, it was hard playing in Boston for a team people love in a major city and winning the Cup and generally being badass. “I like you Blue Jacket guys, you suck and no one cares about you. Perfect!”
Most Hateable Player: Boone Jenner. The guy hasn’t even broken into the league yet and he’s already infamous for spearing and late-hitting guys into the infirmary in World Junior tourneys.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “Sergei Bobrovsky, huh? I’ve got two words for you: Steve Mason.”
DALLAS STARS
Seemingly stuck in a perpetual limbo (not a bad team, not a good team), the Stars at least seemed to finally understand that you have to get younger to move forward. Well, before they went out and traded for Rich Peverly, Shawn Horcoff, and AARP All-Star Sergei Gonchar. But they did get Seguin, ladies.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Possibly, maybe, kinda, engaging in sorta player tampering with the Pittsburgh Penguins’ star Evgeni Malkin. Although little more than rumors started from poorly-translated Russian sports news, the gist was the Gonchar tried to persuade Malkin to come on down to Texas with him which is a big no-no if the Stars knew anything about it. But they likely didn’t. Probably.
Most Hateable Player: Jordie Benn. Sorry, but hearing a name like that shouted in thick Texas accents makes us think chainsaw enemas are on the menu.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “Man, look how good Loui Eriksson is doing in Boston…”
DETROIT RED WINGS
The Wings – who have long ruled the Western Conference – now find themselves in the East thanks to someone finally giving the NHL a current map of North America.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Moving to the East, which disrupts the balance of power in the league considerably. They also added perennial All-Star and former Ottawa captain Daniel Alfredsson.
Most Hateable Player: Pavel Datsyuk, because he does shit like this:
That’s right, dude brought NBA style ankle-breaking to the NHL. Wonderful.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Literally anything. Red Wings fans are notorious for thinking everyone is out to get them and their team. Maybe we can start up a “Baaaaaaaank-ruuuuupt” chant? Too soon?
EDMONTON OILERS
A case study in how “drafting the best player available” isn’t always a solid plan. The Oilers have had the #1 overall pick something like 3 or 4 times in the last five years, and have stocked up on tiny, goal-scoring forwards still struggling with acne. Which is why their defense and goaltending resembled a bombed-out cityscape from “Walking Dead.”
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Wait, what? They finally drafted a defenseman? And he’s probably going to be really, really good? Hell you say. Bonus points for said defenseman having a cool name (Darnell Nurse).
Most Hateable Player: Nail Yakupov. Because he celebrates every goal like it’s a Game 7 Cup Final game winner. Do you understand how irritating that is to everyone when it’s the second goal in a 7-2 loss?
Trash Talk Weak Spot: If they don’t start winning, fast, they’re going to be little more than a farm team for Detroit, New York, and Chicago.
FLORIDA PANTHERS
The fact that this team still exists is a testament to the preservation powers of Miami’s climate. In the movie “Slap Shot,” the idea of hockey in Florida is a recurring punchline. It still is.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Standing pat on the whole “Welp, Rookie of the Year Jonathan Huberdeau can just do everything now, right?” plan.
Most Hateable Player: Brian Campbell, because his nickname is “Soupy” and C’MON.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “You guys are the LeBron Jameses of not making the playoffs.”
LOS ANGELES KINGS
After years of futility followed by more years of potential followed by even more years of knocking on the door, the Kings finally broke through and delivered on the Promise of Wayne Gretzky that they would bring a Stanley Cup to Southern California. Too bad they did it five years after the Ducks did.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Letting two of their Ice Girls go and compete in “The Amazing Race.” Where on earth are they going to get two bubbly, surgically-enhanced blondes wiling to prance around in yoga pants to replace them?
Most Hateable Player: Daniel Carcillo. Most goons are useless, but at least they scare people. Carcillo is useless and about as scary as the fake gangster kids from Bugsy Malone.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Finally! The L.A. Kings have earned the respect of the — Hey, look! Kobe Bryant!
MINNESOTA WILD
After signing two of the league’s most sought-after free agents last off-season (Zach Parise and Ryan Suter) to a combined salary of eleventy-bijillion dollars, the Wild won…exactly one playoff game. No one has spent that much for so little since the Romney campaign.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Announcing the team actually lost $30 million last year. Minny Math: $98 million for 2 players + Lose $30 million = Yet another failed Minnesota franchise
Most Hateable Player: New Wild (Wildie? Wildebeest? What’s the term?) Matt Cooke, because this guy has been suspended for every conceivable offense save tying an Ice Girl to railroad tracks and giggling maniacally.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Minnesota is a hotbed of hockey, and it produces an enormous amount of professional players. But its pro teams have been inexplicably miserable. It’s like Brazil not being able to field a decent soccer team.
MONTREAL CANADIENS
The pride of French-Canada has the most Stanley Cups of any team, but the last one came back when Saved By the Bell was still on the air.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: There have been two knocks against the Habs in recent years: they keep getting smaller and older. So what do they do? They sign Danny Briere, who is both!
Most Hateable Player: George Parros. Imagine the movie “Goon” if they never bothered to teach Seann William Scott to play hockey and instead just gave him a cartoon villain mustache.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “So are you guys going to happy riot or sad riot after this game?”
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
The U.F.O.s of the NHL – in that small handfuls of Southerners claim to have seen them live, but none of them can actually prove it.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Their in-house PR people sent out a season-ticket sell letter that ended with “Go Perds.” Yes, seriously. They later made light of the screw-up, but still.
Most Hateable Player: Mike Fisher. Because he’s married to country singer Carrie Underwood, and the two of them are like the Posh and Becks of Tennessee. Plus, he married her and then magically got traded to Nashville from Ottawa and both of them act like it was all just a big coincidence. Annoying.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “I heard Detroit asked to move east because it wasn’t fun trouncing you guys every single year anymore.”
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
Despite a very tumultuous off-season, the Devils did get new ownership, which stabilized the franchise and ensured they wouldn’t have to go and become the Quebec Poutine or whatever they’d call the team. Nope, they can stay in NJ and continue to take a back seat to the Rangers and Islanders.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Russian super-sniper Ilya Kovalchuk up and suddenly retired, walking away from a hundred million dollar contract in order to make $100 million per week in the Russian KHL league (just ignore the singe marks and blood stains, comrade!)
Most Hateable Player: Martin Brodeur. Opposing fans hate the future Hall of Famer for still being frustratingly good at 41. Devils fans hate him for refusing to stop aging.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Just mention the “neutral zone trap.” It’s boring, slog-it out hockey the Devils used to win a Cup once in 1995 and haven’t lived down (or actually used) since.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS
After basically being a laughing stock since about, oh, let’s say the early 1980s, the Isles finally returned to the playoffs last year! (Never mind it was a shortened season and there’s no way in hell they would have made it in an 82 game schedule). They then gave the mighty Pittsburgh Penguins a run for their money mainly because Pittsburgh goalie Marc-Andre Fleury forgot how to play goal.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Naming John Tavares the 14th captain in franchise history, because it made everyone admit that they thought Tavares had been captain for at least four years already.
Most Hateable Player: New Islander Cal Clutterbuck, because he looks like an extra from “Boardwalk Empire” and opposing players have an unfortunate habit of skating right into his elbows.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “Potvin sucks!” Isles defenseman Denis Potvin has been retired longer than he played, but this still annoys them. Go figure.
NEW YORK RANGERS
Manhattan’s glamour boys continue to dine out on that one Cup they won back in 1994 when they rented the Edmonton Oilers for a season but their success-to-high-priced-talent ratio has been way off for years.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Firing head coach John Tortorella, because he was a surly, foul-mouthed guido who hated snooping reporters and mouthy players. He was like a cartoon New Yorker.
Most Hateable Player: Dan Girardi, one of the most frustrating defenseman in the world because he blocks everything. He probably dives in front of Henrik Lundqvist’s Macbook to prevent pop-up windows. He’s awesome if you like 1-0 games with 8 total shots on goal.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: They will always be the team that breaks the bank for players who almost immediately spiral into suck. Remember when Rick Nash was the answer to their offensive woes? <crickets>
OTTAWA SENATORS
Back in 1994, Mark Messier and his New York Rangers were facing playoff elimination and #11 set the gold standard for captains with the “We will win” heard ’round the hockey world. Flash forward to 2013: Another captain, another #11, another team facing elimination. Daniel Alfredsson set an all-time low for captains with the “probably not” heard ’round the hockey world. Needless to say, the Sens are looking for a new “C.”
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Allowing the Alfredsson drama (he would eventually sign with Detroit) to get so petty. No matter what, the guy deserved a better send-off.
Most Hateable Player: Chris Neil, because he plays the game like “sticking you in the crotch while you’re looking the other way during a stoppage in play” count as points.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: The league keeps threatening to add a second team in the Toronto area, finally giving Ontario TWO professional teams.
PHILADELPHIA FLYERS
The Broad Street Bullies haven’t been scaring anyone but goalie prospects these days, as they continue their reputation for being a Bermuda Triangle where keepers go to die. This year, they are hoping to win with a tandem of Ray Emery (who flamed out dramatically the first time he was with Philly) and Steve Mason (remember him? See: Blue Jackets, Columbus). They won’t.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Buying out the contract of goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov, thereby rendering the league a good 65%-70% less entertaining. Also, star player Claude Giroux injured his finger golfing, which is the kind of joke that writes itself. Oh, they also invited 195 fans to watch them paint the ice in the Wells Fargo Center so they could set a world record…for most people watching paint dry. For real. This team is clearly being run by the “Always Sunny” crew.
Most Hateable Player: Scott Hartnell. With his Ronald McDonald hair and the way he plays to the crowd like a WWE heel, Hartnell lives to be booed.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: The Flyers throw money around like Oprah throws free cars and have jack squat to show for it. Wait? Did you hear Jack Squat might be available? Can he play goal? Here’s a 9-year, $45 million contract….
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
A perennial eastern powerhouse, the Penguins seemed poised for another Cup run last year after stocking up on veterans Jarome Iginla, Brendan Morrow, and Douglas Murray at the trade deadline. Then goalie Marc-Andre Fleury decided stopping pucks just wasn’t for him anymore.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Follow this plotline – Back at the trade deadline, the Calgary Flames thought they could trade Jarome Iginla to both Boston AND Pittsburgh. Turns out that’s against the rules. So they had to tell Boston at the 11th hour, “JK! He’s going to Pittsburgh.” So this offseason…Iginla goes ahead and signs with Boston. Okayyyyyy….
Most Hateable Player: Sidney Crosby, of course. Because he’s insanely good and a bit of a crybaby and, get this, his name sounds like “Cindy.” <snicker>
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Their mascot was once got its ass kicked by Jean-Claude Van Damme.
SAN JOSE SHARKS
Every year, you hear about how good the Sharks are going to be, and how this particular mix of young players and veterans are going to be better than the previous season’s and every year they turn out to be a disappointment. They are the SNL of hockey.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Deciding that a solid teal practice jersey qualified as a “redesign.” What an FU to the home fans. “This is all we could find in the locker room. Deal with it. We give up.”
Most Hateable Player: It’s a tie between Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau. Thornton because for a guy that big and skilled he’s softer than two-ply Charmin, and Marleau because he can’t take a photo without doing that annoying Jaden Smith eyebrow thing.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “Hey, the NHL14 simulation picked you guys to win the Cup….again.”
ST. LOUIS BLUES
After many, many, many years of being boringly mediocre to bad, the Blues have been showing some signs of life in recent years, buoyed by young studs like T.J. Oshie and David “Inglorious” Backus. But two years in a row they were bounced in the first round of the playoffs by Los Angeles.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Not rushing to sign young defensive star Alex Pietrangelo. Seriously, St. Louis, hold a bake sale to find the money but don’t let that kid walk.
Most Hateable Player: Kevin Shattenkirk. He’s not terrible, but his Twitter handle is @ShattDeuces and you don’t tee people up like that and get away with it.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “Oh, hey, you guys drew Los Angeles in the first round again!”
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
Now that Vincent Lecavalier is gone and Martin St. Louis is another year older, this is official Steve Stamkos’ team, which would be a good thing if he had anyone at all to play with.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Allowing long-time “face of the franchise” Lecavalier to up and leave for Philadelphia. Seems like he deserved a better send-off.
Most Hateable Player: Ben Bishop. Because a nearly 7-foot tall goalie is just not fair.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: They’ve won a Cup, but they still rank behind biker rallies and STDs on the list of Tampa attractions.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
Know how the Canadiens have been around since the dawn of time and are beloved and have had boatloads of success? Well, the Leafs are the same way, minus the success. But, hey, they ALMOST beat Boston last year, if they hadn’t choked on a 4-1 lead in the third period of a Game 7 (ouch).
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Lessee…inexplicably trading for a goaltender (Jonathan Bernier) when that was the one position in which they looked solid last year? No, it’s probably giving a “big time goal scorer, top liner player” sized contract to David Clarkson, who is not these things.
Most Hateable Player: Phil Kessel. The Rodney Dangerfield of the NHL, poor Phil just seems to get shat on at every turn – but it’s his fault for having such a punchable face.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Not only have entire generations of families lived and died since the last time Ontario’s pride won a Cup, but Carolina, Anaheim, Tampa Bay, and Los Angeles have all won Cups in the interim.
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
Rather than risk going all the way to the Final and losing and thereby having half its city burned to the ground again, the Canucks decided to bow out early last season. They then “solved” their goaltending soap opera by trading away the young, talented kid (Corey Schneider) and keeping the aging veteran with an albatross contract and a knack for choking (Roberto Luongo). Good thing the fans will still act like entitled d-bags.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Hiring former Rangers coach John Tortorella. This guy preaches a tough, unforgiving, physically grueling style that demands 100% commitment. And now he’s coaching the Sedin Twins, whose idea of sacrifice is passing to someone other than one another.
Most Hateable Player: Ryan Kesler. Because he gets under everyone’s skin, even his teammates’. Luckily, his tendons are made of balsa wood and children’s wishes and he averages half a game a year now.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “You know you guys have zero Stanley Cups, right?”
WASHINGTON CAPITALS
Team Ovie continues to think they can win solely because they have Alex Ovechkin and, well, shouldn’t other teams just roll over at that point? No? Crap.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Signing Mikhail Grabovski from the Leafs, because having enigmatic Russians with a penchant for pouting has taken this team so far already. They also snubbed center Mike Ribeiro (the only guy who produced in the post-season for the Caps), which prompted some angry tweets from Mrs. Mike Ribeiro.
Most Hateable Player: It’s gotta be #8, right? He’s the lightning rod for everything Washington Capitals related, so pile on!
Trash Talk Weak Spot: “Has Ovie gone to the KHL yet? How about now?”
WINNIPEG JETS
The Jets got a pass in 2011-2012 because it was their first season “back” after the former Atlanta Thrashers were used to revive the dormant Manitoba franchise, then last season was marred by the lock-out, so everyone is considered this Winnipeg’s first “real” season. It won’t matter. They will not be good.
Most Controversial Off-season Move: Not hiring the Secret Service to keep Dustin Byfuglien away from buffet lines and bake sales. He doesn’t have to put his name on his Gatorade bottle, since his is the only one filled with Cinnabun topping.
Most Hateable Player: Evander Kane. Because the kid likes to Instagram pics of himself flashing wads of cash like he’s some kind of big shot and not, you know, on the Winnipeg Jets.
Trash Talk Weak Spot: Being the Painfully Mediocre Winnipeg Jets version 2.0 pretty much sums it up.
