Well, week 3 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.
Philadelphia Eagles
Where on earth did the Chiefs come from? They’re now 3-0 while Michael Vick had more turnovers than Andy Reid’s continental breakfast plate. Chip Kelly has the Eagles moving fast, but in no real direction. They’re like “Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift.” This is the kind of things that Eagles fans have come to expect, unfortunately. You’ll have huge games where you look like the greatest team in the world, and the next week they’ll look like Simon Birch in an arm wrestling tournament.
Arizona Cardinals
Drew Brees just demolished the Cardinals. Arizona, who may have the least intimidating mascot in any sport, took the lead early, but thank to Carson “Here You Go!” Palmer’s interceptions, that didn’t last long. If the Saints were still doing their bounty program, they would offer more money to not hit Palmer so he could keep throwing interceptions. Somebody get Larry Fitzgerald out of there so his career isn’t a complete waste.
Green Bay Packers
I have no problem admitting that I’m a huge Cincinnati Bengals fan, so this one was particularly sweet for me. The Packers had the lead with a little over three minutes left and decided to go for it on fourth and inches. Here’s a list of the worst possible scenarios that can happen to an offense when going for it on fourth down:
- You don’t get the first down
- Your quarterback’s arms fall off
- Zack Morris yells “Timeout!” causing your team to freeze
- One of the defensive players has a cousin that works for AMC and he whispers “Breaking Bad” spoilers into your running back’s ear while he’s on the ground.
The worst thing that could happen? You turn the ball over. Not only did the rookie running back fumble, but Cincinnati picked it up and returned it for a touchdown. Green Bay has the same record as Arizona. Wow.
St. Louis Rams
Welcome back St. Louis! Sam Bradford was sacked six times, including four in the first half. Their offense was worse than the one that tried to convict Kobe Bryant in 2003. On top of that, Tony Romo put up three touchdowns, but that’s what we’ve come to expect from Romo. He’ll have monster games against a garbage team like St. Louis in games that don’t really matter, but if it was a game they had to win to get into the playoffs he would have six interceptions, four fumbles, and one play where he brought his lunch onto the field and starting eating a sandwich instead of throwing a pass.
Minnesota Vikings
After the Browns got rid of the one good player on their awful team, Trent Richardson, everyone assumed the rest of the season would be a series of horrible losses. Apparently Minnesota didn’t get that memo. In what could only be described as humiliating, Minnesota lost a game that saw Jordan Cameron leading either team in scoring. Never heard of Jordan Cameron? Join the rest of America. You know who did know Jordan Cameron’s name? The jerk I played in fantasy football this week. I guess the enticement of seeing Brian Hoyer take over as quarterback for the Browns was the push he needed to stick Cameron into his lineup. I hate fantasy football so much. Glad I paid $100 to scream at Brian Hoyer.
San Diego Chargers
It must be so frustrating being a Chargers fan. You knock off a high powered Eagles offense last week, lose a tight game to the Texans the week before, and then drop a close one to the Titans? Maybe it’s time for the Chargers to pull a Cleveland and clean house. Antonio Gates was great a decade ago, they haven’t had a decent run game since Ladainian Tomlinson left for the Jets where hopes and dreams go to die, and Philip Rivers’ biggest contribution to the NFL is this picture:
On the bright side, at least San Diego still has the Padres…..
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs are so forgettable, I actually forgot to write about them last week. Josh Freeman went from a promising, young quarterback to counting down the days until unemployment. They have all the talent in the world but still find a way to be completely awful. They’re like the cast of “Dads.” This week, it was the Patriots tearing them apart in what will only be one of many huge losses for Tampa. Look on the bright side, Tampa fans, at least hurricane season is almost over so your home won’t get demolished by God. That’s a plus, right?
Washington Redskins
The Redskins were defeated by the ground this week. RG3 threw a beautiful pass to Aldrick Robinson who couldn’t hold on after a vicious hit by…the ground. Later, during a key drive, RG3 was trying to make something happen but instead of sliding like a normal quarterback, he tried to go head-first at the end of a run which meant the ball was still alive and his fumble meant the end of the Redskins day. I’m actually happy for plays like this because quarterbacks get to do whatever they want and there are no consequences. They’re like hot girls in a club. They can dance on the tables, grind on the stage, but if you touch them, get ready to pay for it. No more velvet rope for you, RG3.
New York Giants
The Giants are now 0-3 but thankfully for Eli Manning, all the players still get ice cream after each game. Eli had 119 yards and one interception so for all of you Eli defenders, enjoy. David Wilson got a few more carries than usual, but nowhere near what he should be getting. We get it Tom Coughlin, you’re so cool because you’re in charge. Why don’t you stop being an idiot and start balancing your offense instead of punishing a young, promising running back who had one bad game? If the Giants get tired of him and he loses his job, at least he’ll still have a position as the banker in Harry Potter.
Houston Texans
Let’s be honest, Matt Schaub isn’t that good. As fantastic as the Texans’ defense is, there’s little they can do when the offense is more eager to give the ball away than a registered sex offender on Halloween. Arian Foster went from dominant to dud almost overnight and Andre Johnson is older than Andy Milonakis, who I’m fairly certain is 67 years old with Benjamin Button disease. The Texans are 2-1 but don’t count on that to last long.
San Francisco 49ers
Are the 49ers proving that last year was a fluke? They’re now 1-2 and looked completely overpowered by the Colts who added Trent Richardson 15 minutes before the game so he was definitely familiar with the offense. It’s a shame all of the bandwagon fans who jumped on last year already have to find another team to cheer for. Luckily they still have the New York Yankees and the Miami Heat.
Atlanta Falcons
If you asked me ten years ago who I’d rather have as a starting quarterback between Ryan Tannehill and Matt Ryan I’d have no idea who you were talking about because they were teenagers at that time. However, if you asked me a week ago I would take Matt Ryan every day of the week. Who would have thought that the Dolphins would be 3-0 while the Falcons are stumbling like Walt Jr. trying to do the Electric Slide on a trampoline? I hope the Falcons don’t finish with a losing record because that’s a terrible way for Tony Gonzalez to end his illustrious 240-year career.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Was anyone surprised the Seahawks won this game? At this point instead of betting on the Jags to win a game you could just tie your money to a brick and toss it into the nearest open body of water. On the bright side, at least Maurice Jones-Drew had a touchdown. The easiest job in the world has to be the guy who repaints the Jaguars endzone after a game. Be sure to check your email tomorrow morning because you might be Jacksonville’s quarterback next week!
Pittsburgh Steelers
Hahahaha the Steelers are now 0-3. The only way that could make this any more enjoyable is if every time Pittsburgh had a turnover, Hines Ward was forced to eat a live rat. Steeler Nation is currently located directly south of Cleveland in the division and don’t expect that to change anytime soon. They look terrible, despite Antonio Brown having a great game, but with the Vikings, Jets, and Raiders coming up soon there may be a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Nope, not a light, just Hines Ward eating another live rat.
Oakland Raiders
Well here’s an outcome that literally everyone predicted. What idiot thought it would be a good idea to put the Raiders on a national platform? Relatives of the players don’t even watch the game, so why would a guy in Roanoke, Virginia? Peyton Manning now has one more touchdown than Tom Brady did the year he broke the single-season passing TD record. Is there anything Peyton Manning can’t do besides buying a fitted hat without having it custom made to fit an oversized hard boiled egg?
