5 Ways to Cheer Yourself Up After England Euro 2016 Exit

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The England Euro 2016 campaign has come to an end, after the national squad crashed out of the tournament in a brutal, humiliating 2-1 loss against Iceland. Despite Iceland’s manager literally being a part-time dentist, he still fared better than Roy Hodgson when it came to guiding his team to tournament victory, with the underdogs now advancing to the quarter-finals where they’ll surely be put in their place by France. But regardless of what happens in the tournament, England will not be taking part in it, with the likes of Rooney, Kane, Sturridge and Sterling all headed home after failing to make an impact in France.

But chin up, it’s not all that bad! Sure, we may be having something of a difficult time in Europe both on and off the pitch right now, but there’s still stuff to smile about. With that being said, here are 5 things to think about in order to cheer yourself up following England’s Euro 2016 exit:

1. If we would have won, we’d have probably had to sell the trophy anyway

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Financially, the UK is in the shitter. Since 52% of us decided to dive bomb out of the EU, sold on the vague promise that such a momentous move would have long-term benefits for the nation, as though short-term in the economy will last for a couple of days and not for the most pivotal years in our generation’s adult lives, our economy has tanked. Now George Osborne has appeared and, as expected, has announced that our taxes will have to rise in order to make up the deficit and that government spending will also have to be cut, inevitably meaning that there will be an array of job losses following Brexit. In summary, Leave voters and campaigners apparently loved the recession so much that they couldn’t wait for a sequel, so have therefore decided to thrust vilified “millennials” into complete financial disarray twice before we’ve even reached the age of 30. Thanks, Nan.

On the plus side, even if we had managed to achieve the unthinkable and actually won the Euro 2016 tournament, we’d have had to melt the gold down and sell it on anyway. With the value of the pound having plummeted, gold has risen to a near two-year high in the wake of Brexit, meaning that the country would have probably needed to sell the trophy on in order for it to be able to afford to feed its children. 

2. It’s something different for Facebook to discuss

If you read the previous two paragraphs and thought “for fuck’s sake, not another Brexit rant”, then you’re presumably also tired of seeing similar arguments spouted on Facebook. Fortunately this latest national disappointment will now counteract the previous one for a few days, meaning instead of reading indignant rage surrounding a bunch of overpaid people being incapable of representing their country in an efficient manner, you can instead read… ah.

3. No more armchair punditry

Though the initial swelling of excitement prior to an international tournament is contagious, when England inevitably begins to collapse under the weight of expectation it eventually transforms into a variety of Sports Science graduates shouting over one another, explaining how the squad could elevate themselves from consistent mediocrity if only they’d follow their specific set of instructions. The instructions this year were mostly limited to “start Jamie Vardy”, “start Jamie Vardy” and “start Jamie Vardy”, with “drop Raheem Sterling” and “sack Roy Hodgson” also thrown in occasionally for good measure. Only one of these requests were granted.

4. We’ll all have a new manager to hate

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Despite England being a country of football lovers, everyone shares the same deep-rooted hatred for the England football team and, more importantly, its ever-changing series of managers. At this point it’s pretty much an unspoken truth that England under-performs at big tournaments because, let’s face it, if they’re anything less than exemplary every football fan in the country will be inordinately pissed off at them. This isn’t a bad thing, of course, considering just how much money these guys earn to do their jobs, but for as long as most can remember it’s been a routine occurrence that England will crumble under pressure and limply flop out of tournaments they’re predicted to succeed in.

But although the players receive a great deal of flack for their performances, it’s the managers who receive the worst amount of abuse. Roy Hodgson’s time with England has been particularly unimpressive, but looking at the list of managers that have guided the team before he was appointed reveals similarly tumultuous relationships with the fans and press alike. Fabio Capello and Steve McLaren both failed to garner the country’s support, while Sven-Goran Erikkson had a reasonably successful time of things but was then lambasted for not being successful enough, considering that he was in charge of a “golden generation” of players. Whoever is chosen to lead England as their new manager – be it Gareth Southgate, Gary Neville or, er, Alan Shearer – only one thing’s for certain; we’ll hate them, too.

5. We don’t deserve happiness

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As previously mentioned, England is in a pretty dire state right now. Regardless of your particular stance on the Leave/Remain debate, it is inarguable that at this very moment in time things aren’t a-OK in England, even if you’re pleased that we’ve ran off from the EU like a bunch of naughty children. The Leave campaign’s reliance upon the latent xenophobia plaguing some areas of the UK has led to increased racial tension in the nation, with there now being many accounts of racist abuse being hurled in the direction of UK citizens. This morning, for instance, an elderly German/British woman called into LBC radio station in tears, explaining how her neighbours had pushed dog excrement through her door and had told her to leave the country.

Then there’s this video recorded on a Manchester tram of three young boys verbally abusing a man before throwing alcohol over him:

Scotland also looks like it’s going to exit the UK, with the majority having voted to remain in the EU but now facing a future where they’ll be forced out of it by the rest of Britain. England is fucking everything up, basically, and so a Euro 2016 victory for our national football team would have felt bittersweet for many. I mean, what solace would a bunch of millionaires playing a sport at a competent level be when the country they represent is swirling into the abyss? Considering all that is happening in England right now, we arguably deserved defeat in France last night. So there’s that.