March 11th is National Worship of Tools Day, a mysterious holiday whose origins lay shrouded in mystery. It’s a holiday typically devoted to handtools: Stuff like hammers, saws, planes, dibbles, San Angelos, and anything you’d find in a hardware store. Allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcizers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers.
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But the word “tool” has, of course, expanded beyond that short list. A “tool,” as a colloquialism, has come to mean someone who cowtows to authority, and tends to smugly lord rules over others. A tool is a flunky. A servant to an arbitrary set of dumb rules. And they tend to be smarmy about it. You have likely referred to your boss, no matter what your job, as a tool at some point. Or perhaps your boss’ underling.
The golden age of tools was easily the 1980s, a time when Ronald Reagan’s economic policy’s unwittingly created a generation of wealth-obsessed business professionals – usually young white men – known as yuppies. It was a time when tools were worshiped. The word yuppie – a comes from the acronym Young Urban Professional. YUPpie. Whether or not these young, white wealth-obsessed men were actually successful, the name stuck, and became one of the most-snarled insults of the Reagan era. Upper-class douchebags concerned with conspicuous consumption. Corporate tools. They were everywhere, and everyone hated them.
20th Century Fox
Yuppies quickly became the villains in 1980s movies, as they represented not only unchecked greed and gross self-interest, but became the face of The Man. They knew nothing beyond spin, manipulation, and meaningless charm, devoid of intelligence. This is what the 1980s were all about. It’s also why films like They Live were made; they were directly satirizing the Reagan mode. Ronald Reagan gave birth to – unwittingly – both Randian yuppies, and the satirical punks that rebelled against them.
Cinema has this era captured pretty well. The most notorious yuppie movie character – aside from the cast of Oliver Stone’s excellent Wall Street – was Harold “Harry” Ellis, the bearded slick-talking tool played by Hart Bochner in John McTiernan’s 1988 classic Die Hard. Ellis famously confronted that film’s villain – a genuinely dangerous terrorist played by the late, great Alan Rickman – and tries to make a deal. Ellis is all smiles, business-speak, and greasy hair. His ability to manipulate people in business deals has left him unduly confident in his ability to escape high-tension situations. To the point where he thinks he can talk his way out of a gun to his head.
For those who haven’t seen Die Hard – and what are you waiting for? – I will not reveal what happens to Ellis, needless to say he doesn’t arrive at the end of the film very well. Ellis was punished because most of us hated him. There were very, very few audience members who didn’t hate Ellis, and those who didn’t were probably other yuppies like him. He was the sacrificial yuppie for a generation of yuppie-haters, and a martyr for tool worshipers.
On this National Worship of Tools Day, it’s time to revisit your thoughts of yuppies, and how they were once the most powerful people in this country. Few still worship them, but their legacy lives on the hearts of laissaz-faire capitalists everywhere. On this day, Ellis, we salute you. Even if we hate you.
Top Image: 20th Century Fox
Witney Seibold is a contributor to the CraveOnline Film Channel, and the co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. He also contributes to Legion of Leia and to Blumhouse. You can follow him on “The Twitter” at@WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
