We’ve all done something pretty embarrassing when it comes to sex, and if you say you haven’t, then you’re a barefaced liar and no one likes you.
While a couple of people getting their genitals out can be a beautiful thing, it can also often lead to unintentional moments of hilarity and, in many cases, discomfort. As such, a Reddit post designed to get denizens of the internet to confess their deepest, darkest, most embarrassing sex secrets has had its fill of excellent anecdotes, ranging from the hilarious to the downright disgusting.
Also See: How to Improve Your Chances of Getting a Date in Each City
We’ve collated our favorite responses to the question “What is the worst way you have ruined an intimate moment?” in the gallery below. Rest assured there are more than a few in here that will make you feel much better about your own sex life. The stories are also accompanied by images of disappointed/disgusted animals, just because. We don’t need a reason. This is our house and we can do what we want.
Take a look:
Photo: Getty Images
The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #1
"Peed on my wife's butt in the shower. I told her i was marking my territory. Idk how we are still married."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #2
"I had a girlfriend (now ex) agree to give me a rimjob. As soon as her tongue hit my pooper, it tickled, so I farted directly onto her tongue.
"Sexy time over."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #3
"Back when we were first dating, my now wife and I were going through that wonderful "let's fuck like 5 times a day because attraction and hormones" phase. We'd been on the sauce the night before, and ended the night in that most British of traditions - scarfing down a takeaway kebab. So we're a bit hungover, but being young and horny as fuck, that doesn't stop us. An emergency McDonalds breakfast with coffee soon brings us back up to speed, and we're away again.
"Now, alcohol, bad takeaway food and coffee tend to have a certain effect on a person's digestive system. We did not take this seriously enough, especially as after some heated foreplay, I lie back, she turns and lowers onto my dick, ass pointing beautifully at me. She grinds away, and it's mutually incredible, so much so that it isn't long until we're both racing towards orgasm. She starts, and sets me off as well.
"Unfortunately, she also sets off an apparently inevitable chain reaction in her bowels. I'm on the vinegar strokes here, and she's bucking like a bronco, so we were both helpless to stop what came next. She lets rip a torrent of the foulest effluence, covering my chest and bedsheets in vile bumwater. I could do nothing but shout in horror, and, sadly, continue to cum. Needless to say it was straight in the shower for us, and the washing machine for those poor sheets. She made me swear never to tell a living soul (sorry). On the other hand, ladies, if you can douse your man in liquid stink and he still wants to be with you, hang onto him because he truly loves you."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #4
"I called the cops once when someone was breaking into my neighbors garage. Turns out it was two teens trying to have sex on the roof. I felt real bad about that one. 4 townships showed up."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #5
"Rolled her off the bed. She hit her head on the bedside table."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #6
"She said: "It's a shame that the guy always has to make the first move." To which I responded: "I know, it's not great for someone like me with social anxiety."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #7
"A girl told me she had never had a first kiss before and got close to me. I said, "me neither" and backed away."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #8
"Was at home with my girlfriend at the time. I slipped my hand down her pants between her legs and start fingering her. She started to get into it and then I had this idea. I pulled my hand out and held it up with my index and middle finger down as if they were missing.
"She wasn't amused at all, I got nothing that night. Was totally worth it."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #9
"Don't ever draw eyes on your penis. It may be absolutely hilarious, but the sexual interactions cease."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #10
"A girl I was crushing on in high school was extremely flirty with me, with constant random cheek kissing and all that. One day, she got really physically close to me and asked "[slickguy], do you have a girlfriend?" I didn't wanna come across as a noob, so I flatly lied, 'Yes', hoping to look cool and impress her.
"In the subsequent months she no longer was so flirty. It wasn't until in college that I realized she had asked me that question because she wanted to check if I was single. So in hindsight, yes, I was a noob."
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The Internet Confessed its Most Embarrassing Sex Stories and the Results were Hilarious #11
"She was my second proper girlfriend, I was her first boyfriend. We had the house to ourselves and were starting to get hot and heavy (in my mum's bed no less). Realised that I had no condoms so decided to cycle the 3 miles to the 24hr petrol station to buy some. Grabbed my bike and discovered that the saddle was broken so began my journey riding standing up. Soon realised that I was nowhere near fit enough to do the whole journey this way but powered through regardless. Eventually got to the window and got my condoms then began the return trip. Cycling standing up is getting pretty tiring now so I try sitting down on the blunt metal seat stem (not a great idea). Absolutely hating my life by this point but the thought of getting some keeps me going.
"Get back to my house in a state of wheezing sweat and clamber up the stairs to find my lovely lady fast asleep in the bed. Wake her up and try and get her back in the mood but the moment has well and truly gone. Keep persisting but the earlier exertions and the excitement of the situation have really taken their toll on me. Before either of us know what's hit me I vomit all over the bed (and her) and pass out."
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