There are certain Christmas movies that are not only well-beloved, but standard holiday viewing for many families. Every Christmas season, films like Miracle on 34th Street, Santa Claus: The Movie, and It’s a Wonderful Life grace TV sets all across this great nation of ours, warming hearts, and wrapping all spirits with Christmas cheer. And of these movies, none seems to be more beloved than Bob Clark’s 1983 classic A Christmas Story. This is a film so well-regarded and so loved that certain cable stations play the movie on a continuous loop all through December 25th.
What’s that? Did someone say “well-regarded” and “loved?” That’s makes Trolling‘s ears prick up. Why stand up with the masses, praising a beloved classic when it’s so much more sadistically satisfying to lay into it with logical poniards and argumentative weapons of destruction? Why kowtow to pop culture’s most widely-held opinions when heresy is so delicious?
Indeed, there may be a few vital things very much wrong with A Christmas Story. This heart-warming holiday classic may actually be a caustic and abrasive horror to some eyes. Why do people love this movie and re-watch it with such fondness? It’s downright abrasive, and near-nihilistic in its level of hopelessness. Let’s go ahead and say it aloud to make sure the air is clear: A Christmas Story SUCKS! Let’s explore a few brief reasons why.
It’s a fun film to quote, and I have heard some people say they relate to the playful holiday chaos on screen. It must be doing something right to have its own holiday marathon, and I’m certainly not the one to stand in the way of traditions. But lurking under the cheery façade of one of the world’s most beloved Christmas movies is an ugliness that’s hard to ignore. This is a movie about greed, despair, and lies.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow…
Witney Seibold is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
A Christmas Story SUCKS!
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It's Too Frantic and Annoying to Be Funny
Although the actual plot is a bit of a meander – it's told more in vignettes and picaresque episodes than an actual straightforward story – the whole of A Christmas Story feels somehow breakneck and breathless. Like a hyperactive six-year-old trying to tell a joke. This is a film that's full of screaming and argument, quick zooms, and sweat-inducing close-ups. The scene where Ralphie's little brother pigs up his food makes me a little ill. It's enough to put one's teeth on edge. One may be too busy trying to avoid the tidal wave of stress to actually laugh at anything.
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It Celebrates Shallowness
The main story throughline of A Christmas Story is little Ralphie's obsession with obtaining a BB gun. It's all he wants and it's what he lives for. Is that the message of the movie: Getting the one toy that you want? And it's not even really a toy. It's a weapon! This is a film about an obnoxious, stress-inducing little boy who wants to shoot stuff on Christmas Day. Where is the moment of togetherness? The triumph of the Christmas spirit? The one brief moment where all the crap and consumerism is lain aside, and love comes forth? That one three-second scene right at the end? Too little, sir, too late.
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The Parents are Abusive
Darren McGavin plays Ralphie's father, and he's a tyrant. His mother is dismissive of Ralphie, and clearly prefers Ralphie's younger brother. Their badgering, abuse and neglect can only continue for so long before you begin to see what a horrible broken home they live in. Dad especially is horrible. He drinks, covets pornographic lamps for display in the living room, and is never seen being genuinely sweet. Any soft moments (are there any?) feel like a ruse to me. This is a film that makes light of domestic abuse. Are we supposed to laugh when Ralphie is fed soap?
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Ralphie is Horrible
Let's take a look at what Ralphie for a second. He's a hateful little boy who whines and begs. In addition to his odd obsession with a weapon (seriously, an actual gun; I know it's the 1940s, but sheesh), he also learns a few terrible lessons in this film: He learns to beat another kid savagely with his fists. He entices a boy to lick a frozen pole, causing what can only be serious damage. He learns that he can cuss all he wants when he's mad. He learns that constant begging and badgering can get him what he wants. After all that, he is actually rewarded with his beloved gun. And when the gun backfires, perhaps offering a small piece of cosmic justice? He learns to lie. Good job, A Christmas Story. You offered us a chance to relate to a shallow, lying bully.
