While there exist many terrible people in government these days, there’s truly no bigger boil than Ted Cruz. One might say that if Covid had a face and personality, it would be his. We could literally spend all day pontificating on everything that’s wrong with the Texas senator and why anyone could vote for him, even Texans. But then it would turn into a Fast and Furious franchise with virtually no end in sight.
Sure, former President Donald Trump was a pretty grotesque human being, but at least he never claimed to be a human. Cruz, on the other hand, goes out of his way to try and do actual human things. However, it’s safe to say that Cruz has followed in Donald Trump’s slime trail and become a full-time internet troll. It’s not like the Republican senator has any important work to do, right?
Cruz is now pretty much most known for abandoning his Texas constituents during an unusual deep freeze in Texas last winter while he snuck off to the warm temps of Cancun. That’s certainly an act worthy of being shot out of a cannon into a pile of fire ants. But lucky for Ted, the GOP has very low standards and the entire party’s agenda is simply “owning the libs.” So given the absolute monstrosity that is Senator Cruz, we here at Mandatory decided to come up with a guide to what to do if ever stuck in an elevator with him.
Cover Photo: Drew Angerer / Staff (Getty Images)
stuck in elevator with ted cruz
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1. Lie About His Beard Looking Good
If you want to get on good terms while stuck in an elevator with this truly terrible person, lie and tell him that his beard looks good, even though we all know he looks like Dollar Tree Wolverine.
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2. Ask Him What it Was Like to Be in 'The Munsters'
Ever since he tried to grow a beard, Senator Cruz has been able to hide the fact that he looks like Grandpa Munster from the classic TV show The Munsters. But if he decides to shave that crappy, unevolved junk from his face, then he will look just like Grandpa Munster again.
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3. Ask Him if He Plans to Escape to Cancun Again
Proving that he's a feckless shitweasel who cares only about manipulating dumb MAGA people to stay in power, Senator Cruz is notorious for leaving his Texas constituents to freeze while he skipped off to Cancun.
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4. Ask Him Why He Hates Big Bird
Much like all of today's deranged clowns in the GOP, Senator Cruz devotes his time to fighting pointless cultural wars to distract his not-so-bright base from the real issues. A perfect example is when he complained about PBS' Sesame Street doing what all responsible and educated people do by informing kids about vaccinations. So ask Ted why he hates Big Bird.
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5. Ask Him if He's the Zodiac Killer
A few years ago, Ted Cruz made a little Halloween joke, tweeting a coded message patterned after the Zodiac, a notorious serial killer from the San Francisco Bay Area.
Happy Halloween pic.twitter.com/jIgTaIMzep
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) October 31, 2018Now people just naturally assume that Ted is the notorious Zodiac Killer.
