Netflix and Kill: The Vladimir Putin TV Guide to Streaming (After a Long Day of Genocide)

After two years at home, you’ve likely exhausted all available ideas for streaming, but even the world’s most hated man, Vladimir Putin, has his own Netflix queue. After a long day of genocide and war crimes, even the most ruthless of dictators need to get their fix, but you might be surprised what these tyrannical monsters like to watch.

We’re very aware other autocrats (ahem, Trump) prefer to binge (Fox and) Friends, but Putin, on the other hand, is binging hard on some pretty unpredictable movies and series after a good war crime. In hopes of reinvigorating your streaming experience, please enjoy a typical night of Netflix and Kill with your host, Vladimir Putin.

Warning: This does not make a good date night movie queue.

Shrek

The hideous, unlovable freak with a heart of gold. What could be more on point for Putin (minus the heart of gold)? You have to admit, there’s an uncanny resemblance.

Floor Is Lava

As a leader of leisure, it’s always good to keep your torture tactics fresh. Why not make the floor actual lava when poisoning people starts to feel stale? Spice up your dictator life.

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Bloodline

Anything with the word “blood” in it, since that’s his first search. You can imagine how pissed he was to see this was a family-based drama and not a documentary on him.

Note: He attempts to dance like a drunken Kyle Chandler every night before bed to no avail.

Richie Rich

If Putin doesn’t strike you as someone who trapeses down memory lane, it’s because he was too ugly as a child to relive the horror. But watching a young, blossoming Macaulay Culkin get money from his parents, too, feels close enough. That and he loves the scene where he shoots his friends like a cannonball.

Is It Cake?

The Russian version Is It Potato? hasn’t been quite as catchy, but there’s nothing more enraging to a major world power than not being able to ever guess what is cake and what is not. Stay tuned for his rendition with Is It Tank? where Putin turns regular household items into death machines.

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Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines (2003)

Speaking of death machines, you know he’s an adrenaline junkie who loves to watch people getting bent and broken ad nauseam. That, plus he most closely relates to robots who are sent to Earth to murder. And you know if he’s watching any movie involving Terminator, it’s going to be the worst one in the franchise.

Queer Eye

They don’t have gay people in Russia, not as far as he knows. Let’s just say he’s a curious guy. He may not care to see how the rest of the world lives, but he can’t watch too much of himself or he might grow a conscience.

But seriously, are there gay people in Russia? Asking for a dictator friend.

The Kissing Booth

Every shitty person loves a good rom-com, and since Putin is very well Shittiest Person of the Year, his affinity for crap rom-coms is likely unsurprisingly ever-present. This one, in particular, is hard to relate to since the only time he’s puckered up is on camera with Trump. It’s more about finding out if he can have emotions, as opposed to content quality, highly noticeable by his selection here.

Life After Death With Tyler Henry

Mostly, he’s just curious about what happens to all the people he has killed each day.

Seinfeld

And, of course, Seinfeld. Because if you’re not watching, you’re completely lost in this world.

Remember “The Label Maker” episode when Kramer claimed Ukraine is a “weak” and a “sitting duck?” Some might say this whole thing was his idea!

by Michael Hayne