Mandatory Good American’s Guide to Choosing a Side on Joe Rogan

Let’s talk about the Category 5 shitstorm that is Joe Rogan’s public life. After becoming the most popular podcaster in America and selling his IP to Spotify for a reported $100 million, the beefcake comedian seriously divided fans with his unique views and oft murky information about the pandemic over the past two years. And now a video compilation of Rogan using the n-word has made the podcaster more questionable than a 7-Eleven hotdog.

The first wave of reactions saw a bunch of celebrities (like former presidential candidate Andrew Yang) jump to Rogan’s defense only to backpedal as they quickly (and correctly) realized that defending a white guy’s use of the n-word was a terrible position to take. Then, as the story caught fire, the internet began a pile-on with folks like Fat Joe coming out of the woodwork to call Rogan a “piece of shit.” Even pyramid-of-cheesy-mashed-potatoes lookalike Donald Trump couldn’t help commenting in favor of The Roganator (which is when you know you’ve hit a new low.).

All this opposing commentary has created a maelstrom of public opinion, making it impossible not to get sucked in. And with everyone taking sides, it’s important to know which side you’re on so you can Ambien-tweet the appropriate vitriol in the right direction. Because we live in a world where sides must be chosen no matter how little we’re invested in the controversy at hand. That’s why we’ve devised the handy dandy Mandatory Pop Quiz For Good Americans to Figure Out if You’re For or Against Joe Rogan.

Simply add one point for every question you answer “yes” then tally your score at the bottom to see where you land.

Cover Photo: Michael S. Schwartz (Getty Images)

YOUR TEST RESULTS:

If your score was 7 or above, it looks like you’re on the side of not picking sides. You see the world in shades of grey, possess a healthy awareness of your stress levels, and prefer to build bridges, not walls. For the rest of us, it’s time to fire up the WiFi and tear someone we’ve never met before a new asshole while sitting on our couch eating a pretzel.

After all, sometimes it feels like our only recourse. Because pinning systemic oppression on bonafide culprits like the prison industrial complex, Wall Street, and certain longstanding political groups is like pinning the tail on an invisible donkey. And going after misinformation machines like Facebook and Russian bots is the same as sending a small one-legged dog out to wrestle a polar bear on PCP.

That’s why we need a place to vent our frustrations by targeting low-hanging fruit like Rogan, a comedian who made his fortune convincing people to eat animal dicks. But will reinventing Rogan actually make the world a better place? Guess there’s only one way to find out.

Joe Rogan Pop Quiz

Do You Think Joe Rogan Has Done Too Much DMT?

It's important to remember, this man's brain is constantly trying to put itself back together. Where we see a table, he sees a cosmic antelope caught in a meshwork of space-time just long enough for him to rest his protein shake on it.
Can Getting Really Baked Before Talking For Thousands of Hours Lead To Saying Dumb Things?

Does an erection lasting longer than four hours require a trip to the hospital? Is grandpa more intelligble when he's sober or after he's unsuspectingly eaten a platter of magic brownies?
Do You Like Seeing Someone You've Never Met Eat Shit?

Who doesn't? Next question.
Should The First Amendment Apply To Comedians?

Rogan's podcast has hosted a lot of guests most outlets wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Does that make him a sympathizer with the likes of Alex Jones? We don't know. But we do know that sitting and talking with a person doesn't actually mean you're promoting their choices. It just means you're willing to hear them out. Even if they're legally 99 percent batshit crazy.
Has The Comments Section In Life Gotten Too Crowded?

If a man farts in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Would Joe Rogan Win In A Fight Against A Kangaroo?

This isn't really apropos to anything in particular. Just wondering what your thoughts are on this.
Do You Think Mistakes Can Lead To Teachable Moments?

Name one person who got called out in public, learned from the experience, then made better choices moving forward. And don't say Joe Rogan.
Do You Think Russell Brand Looks Like A Wizard?

Of course, you do. But is he actually a wizard? Maybe.
Is Celebrity Worship Out Of Control?

Rogan seems to think so. He recently told his audience: "If you’re taking vaccine advice from me, is that really my fault? What dumb shit were you about to do when my stupid idea sounded better? ‘You know that dude who made people eat animal dicks on TV? How does he feel about medicine?’ If you want my advice, don't take my advice."
Is The Pandemic Wearing On You?

Has your patience worn thin? Does fuckery of any kind make the pent-up rage go boom?