Be honest. What’s the farthest you’ve ever traveled for a booty call? Fifty miles? A hundred? If it’s more than the cross-country mover who lied to his clients about his whereabouts before getting busted by an Airtag, congratulations. You’re the loneliest person on earth.
A close second, however, is the horndog who drove a moving truck 1,670 miles from Colorado to New Jersey to “cuddle” with his long-distance girlfriend (while on the clock). The only hitch in his perfect plan to get laid while getting paid was the family waiting on the east coast for all their furniture to arrive. They hadn’t signed up for their earthly possessions to be left outside a Motel 6 while a clandestine sexcapade took place within.
As you might expect, after a few days of waiting the family called to ask where their shit was. And naturally, the mover told them he was still in Colorado and wouldn’t reach the Garden State for four days. Unfortunately for him, the family had planted an Apple Airtag in one of their moving boxes and could see the truck was just around the corner in upstate New Jersey.
Busted in a lie, the driver shit his pants (probably) and hung up. But eventually, he called back and promised to deliver the truck in three days after he caught up with his “lady.” (Awww, how romantic.) Displeased with that response, the family explained they were tracking his exact whereabouts, prompting him to (presumably) wait four hours for his erection to go down and deliver their stuff the next morning.
Yikes.
The crazy thing is the quarter-sized tracker Apple designed to help you find your keys didn’t even exist a year ago. But now, at only $99 a 4-pack, we’re all going to be caught in a lie real f*cking soon. At least we’ll know where our keys are.
Cover Photo: Renphoto (Getty Images)
Weird News 1.15.22
-
Meanwhile in Spain: Police Break Up 50-Person New Year’s Orgy and Already We Feel Left Behind This Year
More weird news.
Photo: Flashpop (Getty Images)
-
’90 Day Fiancé’ Star Retires From Selling Farts After Health Scare, Proves Supply Chain Issues Are Real (And Bending Us Over)
More weird news.
Photo: Stephanie Matto
-
Vegan Activist Brings Home the Bacon by Inspiring Men to Beat Their Meat on OnlyFans
More weird news.
Photo: @vganbooty (Instagram)
-
Nurse With Life-Threatening Covid Saved By Large Dose of Viagra, The Very Last Thing We Need the MAGA Crowd to Find Out
More weird news.
Photo: nito100 (Getty Images)
-
Watch World’s Strongest Girl Punch Down Tree, Meanwhile Tree-Huggers Too Terrified to Cancel Her
More weird news.
Photo: Twitter
-
Meanwhile in Hand Sanitizer: Drunk Man Catches Fire After Getting Tased By Cops, Which Is Worse We Will Find Out Soon
More weird news.
Photo: Catskills Police Department
-
Meanwhile in Nebraska: Home DNA Test Finds Man Has Ridiculous Number of Unknown Siblings, Doubles as Worst Pregnancy Test Ever
More weird news.
Photo: BackyardProduction (Getty Images)
-
Influencer Shares Unusual Covid Side Effect That Only Men Will Truly Appreciate
More weird news.
Photo: Instagram
-
Meanwhile in Manhattan: Mom Takes Out Billboard to Help Daughter Find Love, OnlyFans Would Have Been Much Cheaper and More Successful
More weird news.
Photo: YouTube
-
Meanwhile on TikTok: Mom Receives Death Threats After Sexy Dancing in Front of Newborn, Finally TikTok Makes Sense
More weird news.
Photo: Twitter/TikTok
