It’s all hypothetical at this point, and at the risk of poking the hornet’s nest, we’re going to go ahead and say nothing can wash away the sins of the past like the family Laundrie.
To paraphrase Bill Murray, if you think someone is the one, do some hard traveling with them first. If you still like them when you get home, marry them. For some reason, this quote makes us think of Brian Laundrie and Gabby Petito.
If you haven’t been following the story, Brian and Gabby were post-college fiancés taking a cross-country road trip they began documenting on social media in July. However, after a few months of traveling, Brian returned home to his parent’s house in North Port, Florida with no trace of Gabby.
A nationwide search for Gabby ended on September 19 with the discovery of her remains at a remote campsite in Grand Teton Wyoming, making Brian the exceedingly obvious person of interest in what police have ruled a homicide. With all eyes on Brian, police arrived at the Laundrie’s doorstep to an uncooperative lawyer. A brick wall whose only gap was the camping trip the Laundries allegedly took the weekend after Brian returned from ill-fated his road trip.
Now either these guys just really love camping or there’s something more sinister at play. Sure, we’ve probably been watching too much Mare of Eastown, but when it comes to families and murder, there’s no telling what lengths people are willing to go to protect the ones they love.
As theories explode across the internet and a posse of bald men defend a man they think is being unfairly targeted for his lack of hair, we felt it was time for us to clumsily dive into the fray.
While it may be a long time before the truth is revealed (if ever) today we build a shot-in-the-dark honest timeline of the potentially ingenious Laundrie family plan to avoid at worst, the gallows, and at best, a very awkward conversation with the authorities.
Put on your spectacles, people, it’s time to start speculating.
Cover Photo: Moab Police Department
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Brian Laundrie Honest Timeline
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1: Scrub Down - September 1-4
On August 29 after hitchhiking his way back to Gabby's white van, Brian drives solo from Wyoming to Florida and returns to his parent's house in North Port on September 1. Before Gabby's disappearance is even reported, Brian comes clean to his parents that, erm, something happened to Gabby during his trip. Together, they scrub the van and wash away the evidence before going camping for the weekend to prepare for the shitstorm about to blow their way.
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2. Lawyer Up - September 11
A week later, Gabby is officially reported missing. When her parents ask the Laundrie's about it, they're met with the iron curtain of a three-piece suit (a surefire sign of guilt). With access to Brian cut off, all communication must now go through the lawyer.
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3. Light Out - September 14
With the heat closing in, Brian allegedly packs a backpack and "takes a hike" in a remote part of the Florida wilderness. When police name him a "person of interest" on September 15, they show up at his house where Mr. and Mrs. Laundrie claims, aw-shucks, he just left. They tell the police "exactly" where Brian went - Carlton Reserve.
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4. Bait and Switch - September 19
Police spend over a million dollars searching Carlton Reserve using drones, rolling sonar, and a 2,000 person crew only to discover Brian isn't there. But the week and a half they spend chasing down a wild goose is a week and a half Brian has to get a head start on authorities.
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5. Hide and Seek - September 19-Now
With no leads for the police, Brian begins playing the biggest game of hide-and-seek the world has seen since Osama Bin Laden curled up with a good book inside his compound in Abbottabad. Eyewitness reports claim to have seen Brian in the Bahamas, Mexico, and the Appalachian Trail. It's a clusterf--k of epic proportions for the cops who scale back their search and hand everything over to the Feds.
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6. Fake Phone - September 29
Miraculously Brian Laundrie's cell phone suddenly turns up. However, upon closer inspection, it's not the phone he used during his road trip with Gabby, it's a phone his parents purchased after he came home on September 1. Another "clue" ingeniously manufactured by the Laundries.
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7. Wigging Out - October
As a bald man in his early 20's, Brian is forced to concoct a series of diabolical disguises to hide from public view. Whether he's living under a rock in West Virginia or in a desert casa in Chihuahua, Brian goes so fully incognito even God doesn't recognize him. His identity is nigh impenetrable until the itching starts and he's compelled to scratch his cue ball. Luckily it's Halloween and witnesses just think he's wearing a Brian Laundrie costume.
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8. Epic Lull Or Bust - From Here to Eternity
As these things go, it could be years before any sighting of Brian brings the Feds down on his bald-faced head. On the other hand, his bust could be mere minutes away. How long Brian stays one step ahead of the authorities is anyone's guess. But if the other shoe does eventually drop for Bri, it looks like the family Laundrie will have one helluva time cleaning up that mess.
