If you haven’t been watching HBO’s sexy summer satire The White Lotus, you’re missing out. The hilarious and tension-filled series focuses on the outrageous, affluent guests of a Hawaiian resort with the tease of someone getting murdered before the finale.
From honeymooning newlyweds and unhappy families to grieving middle-aged women and horny hotel staff, these vacationers and hospitality workers may seemingly come from wildly different backgrounds, but they’re all searching for an intangible something.
Though we’re insanely jealous of the wealth on display in the show, we’ve also learned a thing or two about how to enjoy paradise like we, too, have millions in the bank. This is the Mandatory guide to vacationing like a rich, entitled douchebag.
Cover Photo: HBO
White Lotus
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Bring a bestie.
Vacations are more fun with friends involved, especially if those friends have a mad stash of prescription and street drugs.
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Pack a book.
You're not actually going to read it, Einstein. It's a prop for conversation-starting (or avoidance) purposes only.
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Avoid solo travelers...
Why? Because they're lonely AF and as eager to attach to you and suck you dry as a jellyfish.
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...unless they like to have a good time.
In which case, your one-night-stand opportunities are looking up.
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Sleep with the staff.
They're young, they're hot, and you'll never have to see them again. Sounds like the perfect no-strings-attached arrangement to us.
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Put the kids in the closet.
Yeah, yeah, it's a family vacation, but that doesn't mean you actually have to spend time together.
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Show some skin.
They sell itty bitty swimsuits in the gift shop for a reason.
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Spill your secrets.
Vacations can be prime bonding opportunities. Go ahead and share some of your deepest, darkest secrets -- with your nearest and dearest over dinner or with perfect strangers at the bar.
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Know when to shut up.
The last thing you want to do on vacation with your significant other is dig up old skeletons, especially if you hope to get laid at some point.
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Get on the manager's good side.
A resort manager can make or break your stay. Get on their good side from the get-go and watch them transform from date planner to drinking buddy to all-around maestro of the perfect vacay.
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Indulge in spa services.
After you've spent all day relaxing, you just might want to relax some more. Make sure to hit up the spa for massages, wraps, and other ridiculous treatments that'll transport your body and mind to another kind of paradise.
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Do not tell your mother-in-law where you're staying.
You know what she would do with that information, right?
