Meanwhile in Alaska: Bear Attacks Woman Sh*tting in Woods, Becomes the Butt of Classic Joke at Same Time

Does a bear attack a woman who shits in the woods? If you live in Alaska and your name is Shannon Stevens, then the answer is most certainly a yes. It happened while Stevens was visiting her brother and his girlfriend at their yurt on Chilkat Lake. The three had just enjoyed a nice evening grilling sausages by the campfire and were getting ready to retire when Stevens suddenly had to drop the kids off at the outhouse. But as soon as she sat down to deploy, something stabbed her in the buttocks.

“I jumped up and I screamed when it happened,” Stevens recalled.

Upon hearing the screams, her brother Erik raced through the darkness to find his sister holding a gash on her derriere. She pointed to the toilet and when Erik lifted the lid, he saw two large eyes staring back at him. The pair freaked. They slammed the toilet seat down and high-tailed it back to the safety of the yurt.

While the wound on Stevens’s backside wasn’t too deep, the pain of not being able to go to the bathroom was (probably) hell on earth. But not wanting to face a bear in the darkness, the trio waited until dawn to investigate. The next morning they found bear tracks coming up alongside the outhouse and all around the campfire, but no sign of any bear.

Based on the injury, Alaska Department of Fish and Game Wildlife Management Biologist Carl Koch suspects Stevens’s bear attack may have been a slap rather than a bite. Still, the scientist was impressed.

“As far as getting swatted on the butt when you’re sitting down in winter, she could be the only person on Earth that this has ever happened to, for all I know,” Koch said.

While it’s not uncommon to encounter bears in Alaska, it is rare to come across one in February when bears are supposed to be deep asleep in a cave somewhere with a fuzzy blanket pulled up to their chin (and a dog-eared copy of Fifty Shades of Grey nearby).

Two days later, a bear was spotted wandering around a neighbor’s yard like an Ambien-soaked celebrity, knocking over lawn chairs in a complete daze. Koch thinks it was probably the same one. He theorizes a bad salmon run and low berry crop this year are responsible for this poor animal’s early wake-up call.

As for Shannon Stevens, she’s still processing the close shave. While she’s spent a lot of time in the wilderness and knows a thing or two about surviving in the rugged Alaskan backcountry, she did learn something new on this trip.

“I’m just going to be better about looking inside the toilet before sitting down, for sure.”

For sure. Thanks, Shannon, for taking one for the team. We’ll get the next one.

Cover Photo: Mike R Turner (Getty Images)

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