Coachella Survival Guide: Top Ten Tips For a Kickass Weekend

Fourteen years running, the Coachella Arts & Music Festival 2013 has drawn hundreds of bands and countless music lovers from all over the planet for a weekend (or two) of musical debauchery on the gorgeous polo fields of Indio, CA. There’s a great time to be had by all walks of life, as long as they come equipped with the right gear and attitude.

Guess what, kids! Coachella is in the f*cking desert. It doesn’t matter if you’re in girl pants and eyeliner or hemp-fiber flip-flops and patchouli, nobody’s exempt from the treachery of the desert heat or the inevitable fine layer of dust that everyone ends up wearing by the end of the day. Sunblock, sunglasses, water and light clothing is a must for anyone who doesn’t want to die of heatstroke or have their eyes burned to charred little raisins in the sun. Here are a few other things you should keep in mind in order to make sure your Coachella experience is as comfortable and enjoyable as possible.

If you’re camping, get out to the desert by Thursday mid-afternoon. You won’t have to worry about the endless traffic getting into town, or racing the clock on Friday morning while the sun’s beating down. There’s nothing fun about stressing out in suffocating heat, and that’s no way to kick off a marathon weekend in the sunshine. The line to get in the campground is going to take forever either way, so you might as well make it easy on yourself. Besides, the campground at night is quite a fun place to be. You never know what’s happening in the sea of tents…

It’s blazing hot in the desert, and no matter how much Teen Spirit you lather on, you’ll be stinking to high hell after a few hours of rocking out in the sun. If you’re not staying at a hotel, the portable showers at the campgrounds adjacent to the fields are better than one might expect. Do yourself and everybody around you a favor and wash up.

The fastest way to dehydrate yourself is to start throwing ’em back while the sun’s beating down on you. Once the day starts to cool off, you can partake in the glory of a $17 drink in the beer gardens. But there’s a reason you see dozens of faceplanted fools down for the count before Day Two even kicks off – party when it’s time to party.

Stumbling drunk into tents on the campground is no way to pick up chicks. Not only that, but it would be a good idea to steer clear of the temptation to moonwalk in front of cops while chugging a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. This isn’t a frat party, and you’re in it for the long haul. Getting drunk-sick in 115 degree heat is guaranteed to be among the worst experiences of your life, so you’d be wise to balance your intake. Know your limits, and…

No matter what you put in your body, three days in the hot sun is gonna take its toll. Clock at least 5-6 hours of sleep each night, so you can be refreshed and raring to go in the morning. And by morning, we mean mid-afternoon.

Breakfast is the most important meal. There’s an Ihop a couple miles up the road, but get there early; the wait can get pretty ridiculous. There’s a lot of the standard overpriced festival fare once you get inside, so bring some cash. The ATM fees have been raised to include either your firstborn child or a pound of flesh – but at least you have a choice between the two.

Be smart about what you do decide to bring. Coachella security is tighter than most airports these days, and being casual about broadcasting your recreational plans could result in a very bad day for you. And no matter how good the deal sounds, don’t buy anything on the fields or at the campsite but what grows naturally: you never know what you’re getting.

Evil scheduling conflicts mean you will inevitably miss some performances you’ll wish you had seen, but if you plan ahead you can cut down on the missed moments. In addition to a slew of Coachella apps, they’ve got perfect pocket-sized schedules at the event. Being prepared is the best way to prevent the forehead-smacking discovery that you missed an awesome act. While to Coachella.com for a comprehensive list of this year’s performers and their respective websites, where you can sample the music and see if something new catches your ear.

Your phone battery is going to deplete faster than you can say, “Wait, I’m not finished uploading that pic of Trent Reznor punching Nick Cave!” Twitter, Instagram and Facebook apps are energy vampires that will leave you digitally stranded in no time.

Keep your charger on you, and consider taking the cheap leap into the world of portable chargers. There will be charging stations for mobile devices set up in various locations. Use them as often as you can – you don’t want technology failing on you the moment you see Karen O and Damon Albarn making out behind the port-a-potties.

We’ve mentioned it already, but without it, you’re gonna have a bad time. Stuff bottles in every pocket you can find – you’ll be thankful when you’re up front and the sweaty goddess to your left starts begging you just to pour some on her.

COACHELLA 2013: Check out all of CraveOnline’s Coachella coverage!

LINEUP: How’s headlining and who’s filling out the bill both weekends of the festival?

PLAYLIST: Listen to essential tracks from the top bands of Coachella 2013!