Photo: zach / Multi-bits (Getty Images)
Remember when IHOP tried to complicate breakfast by changing their name to IHOB and becoming a burger spot? Of course, you don’t because the idea failed so miserably that everyone erased it from their memory in the first elective exercising of the Mandela Effect.
Well, your favorite pancake house (that sounds like it could be a Chinese takeaway counter) is at it again, only this time they’re keeping the letter “P.” IHOP teased a new name change on their social media, spawning the biggest collective eye-roll the internet has ever seen, by calling their new burgers “pancakes.” Not sure why IHOP has lost its mind, but we’ve come up with a few ideas to help their marketing department next time they decide to reinvent the (pancake-shaped) wheel. Lawsuit pending.
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IHOP
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Prayer
We applaud IHOP for creating a safe space for praying folks of all stripes. We always knew it would be an affordably priced breakfast chain that would one day put an end to the God argument. Thank God. (Does it matter which one? Nope.)
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Prostate Exams
The demographic is pretty much built in, since Dad is always the one dragging us to IHOP. Think about it. He can place his order, get the exam done real quick, then stand over the table with a nice plate of bacon (until the soreness in his ass goes away).
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Pasta
Everyone loves pasta, and it's super international. There's pasta from Italy, Sicily, um...
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Penis
The internet voted and the results are in: penis. That's what we want the "P" to stand for.
Give the people what they want.
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Pensive Single Ladies
Bless IHOP for helping out the high-strung single ladies in the dating department. Every lousy date is better with maple syrup and pads of butter. And just think what a great story it will make for the grandkids when you take them to IHOP to get your prostate examined.
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Pot
Finally, America's biggest pancake chain has embraced the legalization of pot. Now you can really settle into that booth, light up a bong, and keep the short stacks coming.
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Pimps and Pornographers
Way to flip the script, IHOP. Nobody saw that coming, but it was a brilliant move to stay in lockstep with the culture of today. We're sensing a lot of sexy power brunches in your future.
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Pandemonium
IHOP has always been a place to de-stress by eating a shit-ton of buttery pancakes and downing a never ending stream of the cheapest coffee on earth. Taking that sentiment one step further, the new IHOP welcomes people who are in full panic mode, giving them a place to freak out to their heart's content so the rest of us don't have to deal with their shit. We heart you, IHOP.
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Pokemon
Revolution can only happen one flapjack at a time. Thank you IHOP for gathering all those augmented reality gamers and locking them in your fine establishment until we figure out another solution.
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Pontoons
Dear IHOPs PR Department,
We got super specific on this one and decided to bring back this favored flotation device from WWII. Will this innovative, yet vintage, business plan sink or swim? Nothing can bring IHOP down...except IHOP trying to reinvent itself every goddamn year.
