Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Cover image: @SJSchauer (Twitter)
Another week means another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off to your weekend, but first remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
I just found out I have a FUNKY WHITE SISTER forreal doe & she brought her home girl with her from da hood that keep tip toeing in the background with a plate of food yo I’m done! but she straight killed “Work It” sound effects & all I love it pic.twitter.com/Rg9TTHAqu2
— Missy Elliott (@MissyElliott) August 8, 2018
newest superhero is — MIDDLE-AGE WOMAN
Her powers include:
INVISIBILITY even in a crowd!
SUPER SPEED to outrun intimacy!
the STRENGTH to withstand insults without crying!
why, she can even FLY off the handle sometimes. that part’s not great. but otherwise, she’s AMAZING!
— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 8, 2018
A man just asked, “Hey red – does the carpet match the drapes?” So I lied and I said I didn’t understand what he was asking. Then he AKWARDLY TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIS SHITTY SEXUAL COMMENT. And as he did he got all embarrassed and ashamed. Can I buy this feeling as a drug???
— Alice Moran (@Alice_Moran) August 7, 2018
Los Angeles is a great place to make dinner plans with people. And then five months later finally have and enjoy that dinner with those people. And then never have dinner with those people again.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) August 7, 2018
This seems about right. pic.twitter.com/0rWQTmFkJY
— I Don’t Draw Good (@IDontDrawGood) August 9, 2018
Never forget. https://t.co/xMVfKejxib
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) August 8, 2018
Why is all the food at Baja Fresh wet like what the actual fuck is going on there
— Dashiell Driscoll (@dashiell) August 8, 2018
Hearing from so many millenials today who cannot wait to watch the Oscars now.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) August 8, 2018
— Wilford Brimley (@RealWilfordB) August 7, 2018
me when i started on twitter // me now pic.twitter.com/61IFjHkZ5s
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 6, 2018
It should be a crime to miss out on these kinds of laughs: Today’s Funny Photos
After 23 school shootings in 2018 we’ve finally banned straws
— Sarah Schauer (@SJSchauer) August 2, 2018
I’m not sure how I feel about this https://t.co/khnzpUA49u
— Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@OfficialJLD) August 9, 2018
The longer you’re at the airport pic.twitter.com/sJr6B0h3B0
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) August 9, 2018
Yasiel Puig taking advantage of the free MLB batting gloves like when I get to decide how many napkins I want. pic.twitter.com/5ajGJGTPSn
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 9, 2018
Mom: I just watched your flip books, I wish you made a third one.
Me: Mom, I made five of them.
Mom: Then you should make another one— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) August 9, 2018
fuck it, I’ll fuckin direct the next Superman movie, & he will never not have a mustache
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) August 9, 2018
Me. pic.twitter.com/8TfFZpR41D
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) August 9, 2018
can’t wait to hear the audio from the tape recorder this kid disguised as a lawnmower pic.twitter.com/oXl13FAKV2
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 8, 2018
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess pic.twitter.com/pH00bJnUQa
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) August 8, 2018
freelancing i was like “i value my time over money. suffering is relative” as i bummed cigs, ate plain toast & had no furniture besides a lawn chair
i will now spend 12 hrs working anywhere w free cold brew. stab me, i have free chips in hand. burn me i have insurance who cares
— crissy (@crissymilazzo) August 9, 2018
