Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @desusnice (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 6-8-18
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 5, 2018
genie from aladdin if he had nipples pic.twitter.com/Bgmv7nWFh0
— elv (@_ElvishPresley_) June 5, 2018
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 23, 2018
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) April 4, 2018
My kid isn’t sure what happened to magnet Lincoln, but she suspects magnet John Wilkes Booth may be involved. pic.twitter.com/LTweAqPEkw
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) June 5, 2018
If i say “On my way” imma need u to say ok or something for confirmation or i ain’t leaving the house
— rav (@Doughbvy) May 16, 2018
Of all the ants in the colony, Sir Mix-a-lot loved her the most. pic.twitter.com/Vac4EQ7ej4
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) May 18, 2018
since i and most of my friends were born in the 90s that means that in 2069 we will all be between 70 and 80 years old, which in turn means that there’s a good chance that i or someone i know will die on 4/20/69
my therapist: whoa you’re right
— viking (@NOTVIKING) May 24, 2018
Not eating all day so that u can get drunk off 2 beers. Its called financial health look it up idiot
— Benkashi69 (@BennyWillard) May 31, 2018
Elon musk reading headlines about autopilot crashes when humans crash thousands of times every day pic.twitter.com/dtM4ZWPydg
— Marques Brownlee (@MKBHD) June 3, 2018
Related: Memes Trolling JR Smith After Epic Game 1 Blunder Don’t Drop The Ball
straight white people asking where their heterosexual pride day at when they know damn well old navy’s fourth of july sale coming up
— xavier (@_bacongod_) June 1, 2018
This restaurant concealing their B health rating as a “brunch” sign is just me as a person pic.twitter.com/W4NWpTP5qP
— Jordan Blok (@jordaanblok) February 25, 2018
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) May 23, 2018
me: do you wanna go skydiving
her: i’m nine months pregnant
me: oh sorry would the two of you like to go skydiving
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) June 3, 2018
when my friends are interacting online and i don’t understand their inside joke pic.twitter.com/8vzNMQP81b
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 22, 2018
I found a subreddit for terrifying signs (/r/scarysigns) and it does exactly what it says on the tin pic.twitter.com/C2uV3l8S8s
— Dan Hett (@danhett) June 4, 2018
Took 28 years to realise that no matter what the meeting is about, if you randomly chime in with ‘it’s just about finding that balance’ people will always agree.
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) March 21, 2018
you either unpack ur luggage immediately when you get home or you do it 10 weeks later. no in-between.
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 4, 2018
I am laughing so goddamn hard at this video of Trump inexplicably putting his water bottle on the floor, and Pence immediately doing the same for no reason whatsoever. pic.twitter.com/qEFPzKClYj
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) June 6, 2018
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy going out on the weekends, but, when you find the right girl, there’s something super relaxing about just laying in bed with her on a Saturday night, taking it easy & capping off the night by handing her the $350/hour she charges for her escort service
— Zach Svobodny (@ZachSvobodny) June 3, 2018
